I'm a lurker here and rarely post these days but I've been finding your situation increasingly disturbing. I have decided to reply today but will most probably open a can of worms.
The reason that I've decided to reply is that your D18 did you a big favour by telling you why none of your kids are at home with you.
Your situation almost mirrors mine in the fact that we have three children girl boy girl with similar age gaps. The only difference is that my children have never wanted to live with their father - in fact I've had difficulty getting rid of them.
Your D18 said that their father's house is happier than yours. Now I wonder why that might be?
I do have my own ideas as to why that might be. 1.Their father has a life. He's got things to talk to the children about that the children are interested in. He does loads of fun things that the kids enjoy. 2. Their father is not obsessed with your relationship with the children. Nor is he obsessed with what you are doing. 3. He gives them space to grow and develop ie he does not try to control them.
These are just a few ideas there are more I'm sure.
You have got to drop the rope Alison. 1. Let you lawyer deal with your soon to be ex h. I know it's expensive but this is something that you yourself cannot do. 2. Allow your children to decide what they want to do for themselves - let them make their own way in the world and yes let them make their own mistakes. Just be there to help them pick up the pieces (if necessary). 3. Get out and enjoy your life. Cut the hours that you work a little and play a bit more. 4. Events like Christmas, Easter, Mother's Day and Birthdays are special days that people choose who they want to spend their time with. It's a privileged not a right. 5. You cannot control anyone. The only person that you can control is yourself.
I think that I could help you a lot although my ideas may be a little controversial for this forum. My ex is a nasty man I can tell you but I allowed him to play his own silly games on his own. My son describes me as one of the happiest people that he knows. Hence my children (even though they are all adults now) all still live with me.
No offence meant by this post and all of the opinions are my own.
