Are these backslides normal? Is it normal I feel like such a failure when I mess up? To be honest and in holding myself accountable, I think my recontact with H was on account of my wanting to reconnect again. So its a good thing that I'm not the WS here because lets be honest the NC thing must be hard for them since they have established these other relationships.
Yea H and I do not have a legal separation and that worries me immensely. When H and I lived together he was excellent about contributing his share to the home. We hardly ever argued about money. Now that he has left, it is extremely difficult getting money from him. And I feel like it is just wrong. There are joint expenses/cc/loans accounts that we shared and it isn't right that he has just walked away from them. He uses the excuse that he is paying his bills, but bullcrap. I made sure I hav nothing to do with his bills. Then I'm not even sure what he is legally responsible to pay for the mortgage since his name is also on the house. I have been struggling to pay the mortgage by myself. I make more than H but it just doesn't seem right that someone could make all these commitments and then walk off just like that and take his money to support another family. So from what I gather, I don't think NY has legal separation. When I spoke to a lawyer he told me why not just go through with the divorce b/c a separation agreement is the same thing as a divorce. So whatever hesitation I may have about doing the D, I don't think I have much of a choice because of the joint assets. And I want a judge to let H know what's he's responsible for here. He thinks only babymama can take him to court, I can too damn it.
This morning H even talked about how the money he put into our home that it seems that he should be entitled to something back but I said that he will need to talk to his attorney about that and the house has negative equity anyway and he breached the contact between us. But can you believe he actually has the balls to talk about what's owed to him? He did say though that he's not going to fight for anything. He doesn't have the strength to fight for anything.
So a lot seems to be happening in my life right now but I guess change is gonna come.
Well that is one of the ugly sides of D....the money issues. He probably won't get a dime from the house (or you either) if there is no equity. Just the way the market is. Nobody's fault.
Seriously, I would go and file for D if for nothing else to protect yourself legally and financially. If something changes before the time is up and your H makes a huge change then so be it. But right now you are like a sitting duck waiting for a tragedy to happen.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Yea, I am definitely like a sitting duck. My mother is very concerned and wants to get my financial in order b/c as she says God forbid if anything happens to me, she would hate for OW, not so much H, to benefit from all my hard work. So gotta make some moves. H and I bought the house at the end of 2006 just before the market started to go down so we have definitely been hit with negative equity with the economy so I have no clue what H is talking about. But he needs a reality check badly. I will look into it. I sometimes think I don't want to rush D but I have also worked very hard in my life -- came from a single mom who is a secretary with six kids and have put myself with scholarships through boarding school, ivy league college, and grad school. Not to blow myself up but I have seriously worked hard so I would hate for H to completely screw me with his crap. Will update.
Ok, I need to journal about what happened yesterday. So yesterday I was home from work waiting for the cable company to come and look at the cable that H was suppose to. Lesson learned: get my stuff done from others and don't ask H to do anything. He didn't make an effort to keep his promise but I didn't push the issue anyway, I had decided to get someone else. So while I was home the door bell rang and I thought it was the cableman but I looked out and saw H's van in front, so knew it was him.
So H came in and said first noticed that I got a new piece of furniture. Then he said that he came for some cassettes (very old... H likes to keep his old stuff) from his crate in the basement. I thought at first he said he wanted to take the crate so I said let me see what's in it for me. Then he said that no he just wants to take his cassettes and he doesnt have anyplace to store the crate. Then I think can't remember exactly I responded with trying to get him to take it and he started to cop an attitude. We were starting to get into fight mode and he said forget it and acted like he was about to leave. I then did a big DB no no and said H come here when he was at the door. And then I gave him a hug. I just didn't want to fight. In hindsight I know I shouldn't have but I think my natural instinct is loving and in a stressful situation I think our natural instinct comes out. So you can 2x4 me here. Anyway, then I let him go get his stuff and remembering DB I went upstairs to my room and continued watching TV. It was funny that when I knew he was out of the basement I did these loud fae laughs just to show that I'm happy. So then he came upstairs of course and said he was about to leave but as usually he walked around the house to check the premises out. Funny thing is that he even asked me how is the alarm system doing. I think he uses the alarm system to do what his natural instinct tells him to do - protect. I told him it went off during the night but I took care of it and asked him again about the panic and ambush features in case some is attacking me. So then remember that he so needed his w2 the other day I reminded him about it and was going through the papers to find it and he said look for it later, uhhh?
Anyway, so when he was leaving he started to kiss me and stuff and I kept pushing him off and said, no not this time you so think you can just walk in here and I will fall at your feet. But I was not very forceful as I would have like (I swear I have this soft spot for H and he knows it and just abuses it). So he kept pushing it and I kept telling no just leave and as ridiculous as this will sound... I went upstairs and locked myself in the bedroom and told him to just leave and pull the door in I'll lock it after. Then H came to the door and kept saying that I need to stop being silly and that he just wants a kiss good bye and he's not going to run after me. Then I came out the room and there he went again so I then went to the bathroom and locked the door. Finally he said, fine I'll be the bigger man and show you so just come and lock the door.
So I went out lock the door and H started up again that he knows he's coming back home and I said please save that conversation for when you move back to your mother's place out. When H left he was suppose to just stay at him parents for a while and not live with OW. I even asked yea, I wonder if you've share that with OW. Then, get this, H said that when he comes homes he as some requirements (He has requirements) and I said I do too. So shortly after he left he was calling my phones and I didn't answer. He left a message to ask a question about the bldg and I just texted him back.
But the bottomline to all this: 1. I don't know what's worse to have a WS that completely moves on with their A or to have a cake eater like my H. H knows how much I love him and he abuses my love for him. It makes it so much harder on me to move on and detach. 2. I am way too weak because I shouldn't have to lock myself in a room. I should be able to tell him no and stand strong. After he left I was kind of mad at myself that I know I have such little self control. But its like being an alcoholic and having alcohol dangling in my face. I think I did better than I would have before b/c I would have been making out with H in no time and then wanting to beat myself up for letting it happen. I promise I am going to work on just being able to say no to H. 3. Also I feel its like what the Steve Harvey book was sayign that men cheat because there's no penalty. H has no penalty here. Damn he should be asking me can he come home not telling me he's going to come back home and I should be saying no you can't come home until he has worked for it. I do admire the women who when their men cheat they want nothing to do with them. I think that sets the boundaries of what is or isn't allowed. 3. H is just about games and I'm tired of it. He hasn't grown or made any change at all. I said yesterday that one of my requirements would be MC and he said we don't need that. I know what I need to do. bullcrap. Puppy, I did try though to say that we need to not discuss any of this until you have moved out from living with OW.
Yesterday, when H left I felt like do I really want him. We will be back to square one if he doesn't make a change.
Classic cake eater. He knows he can eventually wear you down....I know this from experience. I promise you that if you act like you can take him or leave him at this point he will change his tune some.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Vickyd, Don't be so hard on yourself for having to lock yourself in a room. Like you said at least you didn't make out with him like you would of before. You know what you need to do, now you just need to find your strenth and do it!
My H is moving full speed ahead with the A and not trying to be a cake eater at all. It makes it easier to detach, but it hurts just the same. He is still playing games, just a different kind. I feel like I love him and hate him at the same time. If that's possible?
My Lawyer said the same thing about a seperation being the same as a D. Do you wonder if you want to go down that road? You need to protect yourself financially, but at the same time don't believe in it. I am at the same place as you on that. My H said he can't give me as much money as he has been. But then I find out he's taking unpaid time off to be with OW. And taking her out to eat and movies! Ahg!
I did get the Steve Harvey book also. I really liked it! It's time to find our voice and do what is right for US! I know, I know, easier said then done.
Me:44 H:40 D:14 S:12 Bomb: 12/08 & 12/04 H moved out 2/09
Hope every had a Happy and Peaceful Easter!!! Easter was great for me, spent it with my family and brought MIL and FIL over for dinner with us.
I even went to a night club with my girlfriend on Friday night. Had a blast.
So update on what I've been up to lately with H. I'm still having a problem putting in place the no communication thing. On Saturday, we had a rental at our place and I took care of it and just sent H a text that I left their insurance $ stored in the office for him to return to the renter. Then on Sat night when the renter finished apparently she called H to come back to lck up and he didn't answer so she called me. I then called H to see if he is going to take care of it b/c it was 11:30 at night and I have my brother, niece, and nephews over and just didn't feel like having to drive over there at that time of the night. So H answered and said he'll take care of it. We had a pleasant conversation. He first told me that he went to a nightclub on the Friday night with his cousin who was his bestman and I was able to tell him that I ran into his friend at the nightclub I went to on Fri night. It was great being able to let him know that I am having a good tome. He said something to the effect of oh you had fun, uhh? So, I tried to be the first to hang up on him, ie to be the first to end the convo, but he was in a talking mood and asked are you busy, can't you talk? So we talked some more briefly and then I ended the talk. He then called back again to talk some more and it was a pleasant conversation but I ended it again.
Then today, I been on the calling spree to H, funny how I am more aware of these things. I had to call H to discuss the bldg because I need to offer my father a place to live there temporary - long story short my father is homeless basically and no one is willing to take him in since he was a walk away dad and I'm the only one with a place to offer and to have him not live with any of us. Anyway, H gave his ok, but I told him that I am coming to him for his ok because I want to give him the respect since it is his 50% that he would be staying in as well. Then I called H back because I forgot to discuss $ stuff with him. He is suppose to transfer weekly money to me to pay his expenses that we have in joint names but he has not given anything even for this month. So he said oh I will this week and I told him that a payment is due by the 15th can he transfer before then. And I said, look we need to get some sort of legal separation in place or something so that the $$ can even be coming from you check or something. Anyway, as usual H cops a terrible attitude especially when he knows he is wrong and is not getting things to go his was. So I hanged up th phone, I didn't need to hear that. Then I called back but he went into he knows it hard on me and I'm just doing all these things and that I should just bring the D papers and he will signed it, blah, blah. I said what I am just trying to protect myself and that he needs to work on the fact that when he knows very well that he's wrong he gets the worse attitude. And of course he used his primary weapon: "look, I feel like I'm not going to come back home." I guess that was suppose to make me weak and fall to his feet and just give in and say no you don't have bills to pay, just come home and be with me and I will have no demands or expectations from you just as long as you're with me. Yea right. So we hanged up and I texted him: "U need to ask yourself the question are u really welcomed back home?"
And yes people I know, NC beats getting into these silly arguments. But I need my money from this guys. I've moved on to reading the book, "The Art of Happiness" by the Dalai Lama and I'm just not going to make any of this today make me unhappy. Why bother give into H's silly games.
One other thing, so I contacted my lawyer on Friday to discuss getting the D started. We talked about what grounds I have available for me. She said that I want to file on the grounds of infedility, which I wholehearted do. That is what it so. So she said that is harder because I will need proof. DCHM, I need you advice here on getting evidence. She's looking into what proof I will need though. I told here that H has a son with OW but technically the child was conceived before the M. And also the problem is that H has kept all his mail still at home. Also, H never admits to living with OW, he also dodges the question. So I need advice here on what proof will be need and how should I go about getting that proof.
She also told me that the easiest grounds to file for is abandonemnet but I would have to wait for a year of H being gone before I could file. So she thinks we need something in place sooner than that since all the financial issues. I don't want to have to go this route. H abanded me b/c of the A. Let him have to face the fire and to be accountable for his actions.
Evidence must include the testimony of a corroborating third party. It is not sufficient for the spouse committing adultery to simply admit the adultery.
In my case: 1.) Disposition (My wife abandoned her car in a parking lot and jumped in car with OM, obviously wanting to hide what she was doing) 2.) Opportunity (My wife spent the entire night at OM's house)
Corroborating third party: Private Investigator
Supporting Evidence: Video/Pictures/Testimony from me
Admissions aren't enough because they may show collusion where two parties are getting a fault divorce by colluding with each other to avoid a state waiting period.
You do not have to show actual intercourse.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
