I absolutely applaud your efforts, and in particular, your attitude about his middle-age encounters with ED. As you've already read from me, I know first hand how hard it is for both the woman and the man when erections are no longer automatic or something to be taken for granted. I'm waiting to see what happens when the weather warms up again (I suspect that like DQ's man, overheating may have an effect on me in that regard), but over the past winter, the problems that I was having last year with occasional ED have gone into complete 'remission.' So the problem can be 'fixed,' and in a realatively short amount of time (several weeks to a few months) if the two of you tackle it early and with the right attitudes.
As the wife, your attitude is SPOT ON what it needs to be right now. Thank you!
Your husband, on the other hand, is still reeling from the blow to his masculinity, and letting himself get caught up in performance anxiety. What's worse, this is one of those problems that is self-perpetuating: the more he worries about it, the more likely it is to occur. Speaking from personal experience, that -really is- a vicious circle that is hard to get untangled from.
Which would be all chapters up to Section that begins addressing specific sexual problems, and from there, the chapter specific to ED. I know that I sound like a broken record in recommending that book, but it is quite good at giving men a REALISTIC view of their own sexual equipment and sexuality, rather than the myths and unattainable standards that nearly all men are held up to --> by themselves, their peers, and, often, their wives.
(2) If he's not already, get him to start taking a good quality, men's multi-vitamin supplement each day, and then add to that a specific Zinc & Magnesium supplement. Quoting from this website on Testosterone Boosting Supplements: "Studies have shown that supplementing with 30mg of Zinc and 450mg of Magnesium per day can elevate testosterone levels up to 30%" (believe at your own risk). I've tried it, and although it took a week or two initially, I have had some 'success' just with s simple, over the counter Zinc-Magnesium supplement, without going to any of the fancier and more expensive supposed 'Testosterone Supplements.' I'll admit that it may be entirely placebo effect, but there has also been a noticeable increase (or restoration) in the number of spontaneous and nocturnal erections. Put this in the 'potentially helpful, but harmless' catagory, as long as he doesn't go overboard or get silly with it.
That said, however, the kind of ED that he is experiencing is 80-90% Mental. During a particular sexual encounter, it may start with the physical, such as lack of adequate stimulation, leading to loss of arousal, but from there it QUICLY snowballs into performance anixiety and further loss of arousal.
As I've written before, his being able to RELAX and get back into the enjoyment of the moment, the enjoyment of the connection with you is absolutely key. It is hard to do, especially with some worry or fear in the back of his head -- and takes practice and patience to overcome.
For me, it's taken over a year of working with our therapist to finally have the -occasional- sexual encounter where I can shed all of my worries about her enjoyment, my performance, and the like, and truly just let go and live in that moment, letting my passion take me (and us) where it will. Such encounters are occurring more frequently now, but it has required a complete paradyne shift on my part -- not easy stuff.
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
