thank you making it things have turned on there head, she hinted that maybe we could live seperate and see how it goes, she didnt atually say it but i got that feeling,i didnt want to pressure her into to much. but she did say she dosent think she could live back here, she feels it would do more bad than good, so my feeling is she is thinking of a new place and maybe a new start, itold her i dont want to pressure her into any decisions and i wanted her to make her decision for her, not for me, and not for the kids just her,
my emotions are all over the place, cant believe i was so blind, so wrapped up in my own little world and i never give a seconds thought of the damage i was causing, i fear i have took to much from her, dont know if it can be fixed, i sure hope to god it can, im so so sorry for all the pain i have caused, i will follow my heart and just pray to god the outcome is in my favour, but whatever happens i just want her to be happy, my heart bleeds for her, i do know 1 thing though i have to forgive myself for my actions otherwise things will never change for me, i have a counseling session booked. so see how that goes, speak soon guys, im going to see if i can find any threads with my situation,
Beno, believe it or not you are making great progress.
Just remember this, it is very typical for the LBS (left behind spouse) to feel & assume 100% of the guilt and think that they caused all the problems in the relationship.
There is a dual responsibility in your marriage, there are 2 of you. You are both responsible for it. You are both responsible for communicating honestly to each other not just when times are good but more importantly when times aren't good. If she isn't happy and hasn't been for some time, instead of dropping subtle cues, clues and hints she could have just come out and said "Beno, I'm not happy, I'm not happy because I'm not getting this, that and the other. I'm not happy because you don't do this, that and this and it makes feel unheard, unappreciated, unloved, etc. and if you don't do these things I will be forced to leave you" When she chose to keep those problems to herself and kept a mental scorecard of all your faults and just assumed you were a mind reader (men aren't, we are clueless and better yet when a wife stops complaining, we think things are getting better but it's actually the opposite), she was making another mistake - she wasn't honest, she kept score of everything you've done and never gave you a chance to do better by honestly letting you know she was unhappy enough to leave. It's not that you are capable of doing better, we all are capable, we have to be honest with each other and our partners and allow them that chance. If we just love our partners when times are good, that's conditional love and pretty crappy love at that. A great relationship should be about personal growth, mutual growth, mutual gifting and making each other better for both of your benefits.
So yes, you messed up, we all do - that's what makes us human, we fail. But we are engines of adaptation, given the chance, we can overcome our failures and perservere despite them. I wouldn't call the person who keeps falling down after getting up again a failure, I would call a person who falls down and doesn't want to get up again a failure.
Be a strong wall for yourself and for your wife (remember the wall analogy), another good analogy is the squirrel analogy (another "spellfire" original - thanks mike), when the squirrel becomes more comfortable and not afraid of you, it will come closer, maybe even close enough for you to feed it. At first it will be cautious and run away many times before it gets really close but if you make the environment comfortable enough and safe enough, it may come back repeatedly. If you wife does talk to you from time to time, listen to her, validate what she says, apologize if there were some grievous errors on your part, listen to what she says, you can't fix anything in one conversation and truth be told no one really knows how much can be fixed but you won't know without trying. If she is open to the marriage counselling do it, even if it's just for yourself.
Admitting to her that you never really understood her before and what she was going through when she was unhappy and thinking about leaving you may give her a bit of an understanding of how clueless you really were with her and again don't be hard on yourself, men in general don't go a good job of reading their wive's minds.
Don't supplicate, still remain a strong man, no anger remember, don't buy her gifts because that comes across as manipulation and buying her love which is a turn off. This might be a point where you guys can build a friendship and really start to talk & listen to each other.
Again don't go into any of this with the guarantee that the marriage will be saved, it puts alot of pressure on you & your wife when things don't go swimmingly and invites arguments and hurt feelings.
Good Luck bro, I'm rooting for ya! You too MakingIT! Hope you all had a good easter.
... And Sandi, I love hearing from you, you have more wisdom than any of us and you offer the point of view that we don't have, you're a great lady and I hope life is treating you well, keep posting, love reading your thoughts on all of this.
