New to the world of adultery

[FitChik]

Hey Fit,
I am positive your H didn't come up with all the story of the cheating to make it "easier" for you to accept the divorce. It looks pretty clear from this side of the fence.
I know that being betrayed hurts like hell - but at least this thing happened fairly early in the marriage and I understand you guys have no kids. Don't try to understand his behavior, it is a waste of time -
Marriage is a "contract" you make in front of God - but the way I see it you were actually the ONLY ONE signing it..... so it cannot be a valid contract.
From a guy perceptive, if I were you, I would run away from a person that you are never be able to trust.

Part of the story is either true or he will do anything to get me to give into D - I am inclined to believe the later but will never know for sure.

I agree - trying to understand only confuses me more.

Part of me does want to run away from this man as he is clearly very troubled. And I believe I will have to completely let go of him and our M. But it's so hard for me to give up on a M b/c I did commit to it in front of God.

[K4D]

"But it's so hard for me to give up on a M b/c I did commit to it in front of God."

I understand what you are saying. Thats why I was trying to show you that you can look at this as a M that was a good possibility of not being valid to begin with. Not because of you, but because of him.

You are right in that your M is a personal decision you make and its not a cooky cutter type of thing. I am just trying to help ease your concious on this one is all.

I think if you can get past the emotional aspect, you can feel at ease with your situation on this one.

I don't advocate D and I don't have all the answers. I just try and look at what the bible says and see if I can understand it and I ask others as well to see what understanding they have.

I know how you feel. According to the protestant bible, I could walk away from my W. But emotionally, I don't want to. And for my kids sake as well as my own, I am still trying to keep this M together even though W wants no part of it and is moving on to other guys. I still hang on because I believe its the right thing to do and I do still love her.

So I understand completely what you are saying. Seek some christian counsel if you are confused. I do. Maybe it will help clear things up for you.

I hope I have not upset you as I only want you to not worry about your situation or decisions in this particular case. I'm just trying to be helpful if I can be.

This betrayal will certainly take time to get over. It won't happen over night. But you were growing so strong in your faith and I believe you still are. Do your faith for yourself. Someone told me to make God #1 and S #2. Otherwise you can fall into the trap of only focusing on your faith for your S and you aren't really focusing for you and your own salvation. Of course have faith that God can heal and fix all things. And certainly pray for it. But also remember that God gives everyone free will. And its unfortunate how some people choose to use it.

We are all living with that right now at some level with our S or none of us would be here.

You are going to be ok. Just remember that. Healing takes time. But you seem to have the ability to keep things in perspective and better yourself and that will really help you.

I'm sure this is not the easter you had in mind. But try and spend some time thanking God and Jesus anyways for your salvation and for the treasures and comfort you know you will receive by being faithful.

You are doing good and have been for sometime. You will make it.

Kevin

[bluerain]

I think that he was telling the truth when he told you of the A, and I think that when he said he was unfaithful to his first W he was being honest too. He probably tried to rescind it because he felt like a dirt bag... well deserved I might add... I wouldnt be surprised to find an active A behind his wishes to D so quickly.

I told on my H,(anonymously) it got him a stop contact order and a few papers outlining the UCMJ articles that he was violating. But I had proof. I feel like it was the one thing I had in my power to do about the A, and while it may not have been the totally "correct" thing to do, I dont regret it at all. It exposed the A, and strangely enough, dirty, sneaky things dont thrive in the light of day. He to this day doesnt know it was me, maybe Ill come clean someday, maybe it wont even matter. I think he may know it was me. I wouldnt have been a very good wife if I hadnt fought for my family.

I hope that you are taking advantage of your chaplains and that you are checking out the divorce busting books. I think that its no small thing to stand for your marriage, no matter how young it is. You might be able to consult with legal aid to see what your options are once you have been served. I know in Alaska no one can make you sign anything, and it takes 2 years after the date of a legal separation to get an uncontested D.

Dont let his bad behavior force you to do anything that you wouldnt be proud of. Keep posting on here, sometimes just writing about things is therapeutic.

[rop]

Fit - He doesn't have to make you accept the divorce - if he wants to divorce he just have to file it - that's it.
The whole drama he came up with has no reason to be.. unless.... it is true.
If he has a close friend you know - talk to him/her - he may be more "stable" than your H and give you some insight.
I think everyone should fight for their marriage, this is why I am here, but sometimes I think it is better to back off from a situation that can be very damaging.
You are a young and obviously good person, you deserve MUCH more than this. This is not a situation were after few years of marriage things start to be complicated and you need a rescue plan to save the family. Your marriage didn't really start yet, and you are already in a lot of trouble.
I think your H is a very troubled person and you should free yourself from him.
Too many people speak about what God wants... the truth is only God knows.... but of one thing I am totally positive - He doesn't want you to be miserable.
Said that - this is what I think reading your posts - the actual situation may be very different - I can't really know - but to me it doesn't seem that with this man you have the foundations to start a family.
(((hugs)))
rop

[FitChik]

I hope I have not upset you as I only want you to not worry about your situation or decisions in this particular case. I'm just trying to be helpful if I can be.

This betrayal will certainly take time to get over. It won't happen over night. But you were growing so strong in your faith and I believe you still are. Do your faith for yourself. Someone told me to make God #1 and S #2. Otherwise you can fall into the trap of only focusing on your faith for your S and you aren't really focusing for you and your own salvation. Of course have faith that God can heal and fix all things. And certainly pray for it. But also remember that God gives everyone free will. And its unfortunate how some people choose to use it.

Kevin,

Thanks for your insight. You have not upset me at all! You also clearly have a strong faith and have given me many words of wisdom to think about.

I have told my H the biggest thing I regret is not putting God first in our R. I got swept away with my H and put him before God for many months. The only sure way to succeed is to put God first.

If our D does go through, I believe it is due to free will and not God's will. I believe He can create good out of the situation... however it is not His will that we D. It's hard walking through blind and solely trusting God for the outcome. That is what I am doing but it's challenging to say the least :-).

[FitChik]

I think that he was telling the truth when he told you of the A, and I think that when he said he was unfaithful to his first W he was being honest too. He probably tried to rescind it because he felt like a dirt bag... well deserved I might add... I wouldnt be surprised to find an active A behind his wishes to D so quickly.

I told on my H,(anonymously) it got him a stop contact order and a few papers outlining the UCMJ articles that he was violating. But I had proof. I feel like it was the one thing I had in my power to do about the A, and while it may not have been the totally "correct" thing to do, I dont regret it at all. It exposed the A, and strangely enough, dirty, sneaky things dont thrive in the light of day. He to this day doesnt know it was me, maybe Ill come clean someday, maybe it wont even matter. I think he may know it was me. I wouldnt have been a very good wife if I hadnt fought for my family.

I hope that you are taking advantage of your chaplains and that you are checking out the divorce busting books. I think that its no small thing to stand for your marriage, no matter how young it is. You might be able to consult with legal aid to see what your options are once you have been served. I know in Alaska no one can make you sign anything, and it takes 2 years after the date of a legal separation to get an uncontested D.

Dont let his bad behavior force you to do anything that you wouldnt be proud of. Keep posting on here, sometimes just writing about things is therapeutic.

Bluerain,

I am truly unsure about the truth. It sounds too crazy to make up but his story was full of holes and nothing matched up.

Interesting you bring up UCMJ. Yesterday when my H called me he said mentioned he could get UCMJed for adultery..... and my response was that is not my problem and is the consequence of his actions if it's true.

I am learning a lot from my chaplain counselor. I am so thankful to have him. I felt so funny going to see a MC for a M the span of a few months but it's been such a great asset for myself.

I love what you say about not letting his bad behavior do something I wouldn't be proud of. Definitely the hardest part of this endeavour!! It has been challenging to stand and fight for our marriage despite all this drama. But I have remained true to what I believe in and will continue to do so.

[FitChik]

Fit - He doesn't have to make you accept the divorce - if he wants to divorce he just have to file it - that's it.
The whole drama he came up with has no reason to be.. unless.... it is true.
If he has a close friend you know - talk to him/her - he may be more "stable" than your H and give you some insight.
I think everyone should fight for their marriage, this is why I am here, but sometimes I think it is better to back off from a situation that can be very damaging.
You are a young and obviously good person, you deserve MUCH more than this. This is not a situation were after few years of marriage things start to be complicated and you need a rescue plan to save the family. Your marriage didn't really start yet, and you are already in a lot of trouble.
I think your H is a very troubled person and you should free yourself from him.
Too many people speak about what God wants... the truth is only God knows.... but of one thing I am totally positive - He doesn't want you to be miserable.
Said that - this is what I think reading your posts - the actual situation may be very different - I can't really know - but to me it doesn't seem that with this man you have the foundations to start a family.
(((hugs)))
rop

Funny thing, our mutual friend asked if H was making all this up to push me away. My H is used to being very independent and not having love - so having someone stay by his side through thick & thin is new for him and he doesn't like it.

My H is very troubled and I hope he figures himself out one day and get his life on track. He has so many hopes & dreams but will never be able to live them out if he goes through life this way. I know I have to stand back & let him go but it hurts. I know there is nothing I can do to help him.

Thank you for your words and perspective.

[bluerain]

I wonder if he took what he told you about the A's back to avoid getting in trouble.

I think that its interesting what you said about his hopes and dreams. He cant realize anything if he just gives up when things get hard. Absolutely nothing is easy all the time.

You don't have to let him go, as such, but you do have to let him go down this road on his own. And yes, it is excruciating. This is your marriage too. What happens to it isn't all up to him.

Always remember that no matter what: You have a bright future, with or without him. The things that we talk about here, 180's, GALing are all things that will help you to heal yourself, and really make you a more well rounded person. I learned to ride a motorcycle, started volunteering for 2 different orgs. went flightseeing, camped, took on a new research project, and looked around on here for situations to chime in on. It kept me busy, and the experiences were really good for me.

And... Not to offend anybody... I dont believe that is right for anybody on here to make a judgment about what you should do based on the length of your marriage. We are all here for the same reasons. The length of a M cant determine the depth of someones commitment. Its just not that simple.

[FitChik]

I wonder if he took what he told you about the A's back to avoid getting in trouble.

Never say never... but I honestly think the A was a lie and once H realized that I would want it documented or would file separately own on my stating A, he was in a corner and had no choice but to tell the truth. It backfired on him.

I am having a great time GAL right now.... and will soon deploy for 12 months. So I have a lot in my life to keep me busy right now. It will be limited once I do deploy b/c I'll be confined so I'll have to brainstorm ways to GAL.

Thanks for your words Bluerain. Reassurance at tough times is a priceless thing.