I was starting to feel frustration building again, so I decided to initiate another discussion with H on Friday night. Robx's recent post in our forum motivated me to spell it all out again, clearly, more blatant, once and for all.
I told H that I'm having difficulty coping with the fits and starts in our progress, and that I'm terrified of damaging our R further by saying or doing anything that will make him feel like a failure. I told him that I'm living in fear that I'll reach the end of my rope. I told him that his inaction is causing me to lose hope, and that not only does it make it very hard for me to "shake my tail feathers," but it infuriates me. I told him that our situation is now urgent, because my patience is worn thin.
H said that he wants it too, and that he is just having a hard time keeping up with life in general [sidenote: this is likely a symptom of his low testosterone]. He feels that sometimes I "build a wall" when I'm silent or preoccupied, and he takes that to mean that I don't want to be close with him. I told him that he is welcome to break through that wall at any time, because it really isn't there. I told him that I NEEDED him to break through it during those times when it seems I'm unavailable. When it seems I have a wall up, it is because I am stewing that he hasn't approached me or initiated in a long time, and I'm feeling that *once again* I have to send big loud signals, essentially initiate, in order for him to come forward.
There was much more to the talk, but the above is a basic recap. I think that I said everything that needed to be said. If he ends up a LBS one day, he will know exactly why he ended up there.
On Saturday morning, he initiated - playful, perfect. I don't know if I mentioned this in earlier posts... H has experienced intermittent ED through the years. He tends to lose his erection if we play around and change positions, especially with a condom (he needs more friction than condoms allow). Viagra works, but he doesn't have a current prescription and he really hates taking it and hasn't for a few years. Much improvement is seen with regular exercise, which he hasn't kept up with.
Well... I wanted to change positions, and since we haven't experienced the ED for a long time, I didn't even think about it. The cause was likely the combination of being off balance by our talk the night before and the condom.
He was devastated and angry with his body. I tried to explain that I don't care about that (I really, really don't) because we can have all kinds of fun without the garden variety sex scene that ends in Os through penetration. He had a hard time believing me because it is important to him to have a "successful" encounter (successful to him is defined as penetration ending in Os for both). I tried to explain that I don't always need penetration, and that the closeness alone feels so good, and that orgasms can happen in lots of ways.
We messed around in other ways, but he was so intensely driven to make me O, that I couldn't relax so I couldn't. I tried to explain that there is a better way to have sex that isn't orgasm-focused. And, If he could just relax and enjoy it without worrying about the mechanics, it would probably happen on its own anyway. He was just too frustrated to listen. He said that he knows it is because he is overweight, sedentary, and in his 40s. He is angry that his penis has "special needs" and he thinks that it should just work. He really wasn't being kind to himself.
I also mentioned that we need to try another method of birth control. I'll be looking into that today.
I am worried that H is easily discouraged by the orange cones that have to be navigated. Nevertheless, I'll continue pushing through the static.
