Mother's Day Disaster

[ACJ]

Thanks for all your replies. Today is no different but I am in a better frame of mind today so hopefully will get some study done. Everything has to be done by 29th April so there isn't much time but thankfully I've nearly finished one lot and am a third through the way of the other. I've got all week off, originally booked to spend time with D13 but she is with H this week, so i just get most of it done.

It's my birthday tomorrow so we will see what that brings.

Before Christmas and before I moved jobs we had a team building faciilitator in as things were so bad in our team. She identified for me (by using psychometric testing) that I have a lot of needs in terms of people telling me how well I am doing etc. The main problem in that job was that no-one ever told me. She told me that in any R it was up to me to tell people what I wanted out of the R (be it work or personal). So given how bad my current R is with my children perhaps it is time to tell them what I want from them instead of leaving it up to chance. At work it was not a problem telling them but at home that feels a little bit scary. I know what I want/need from my children and that is to be treated with respect and to be made to feel special I am their mother after all. BUT I'm not quite sure how that would go down. Part of me thinks that this will just push them further away and I can't afford for that to happen I'm emotionally at rock bottom already. So I guess I thought I would see what others think.

Trusting
I am ignoring H. Everything is being dealt with by my L. She thinks that the situation between H and his L is getting untenable. She thinks H will either end up sacking the L or the L will end up refusing to represent him. She is positive that is why Hs L is avoiding calling her direct when she asks him to. I've done all the negotiating I'm going to do. I have no more to give. I'm 99% certain that this will end in a very costly court case but it won't have been for want of trying to keep it away from the courts. H is just waaaaaaaaaaay to greedy for words.

BM
As for moving on I've now reached a stage where that is exactly what I want to do BUT I know my children would not come with me and that leaves me with a heavy heart and a very difficult decision to make.

just be their mother

That's all I want to do but they won't let me. Just this morning D18 told me that when she rang D13 at Hs she could hear H shouting at S16 in the background to get up and do the washing up. I made some comment about how even though I am obviously more relaxed on chores than H seems to be (and ever was) that for some reason both S16 and D13 prefer to be with H. D18 said it was b/c Hs house is a 'happier house'. My reply to that was that when they are here they go out of their way to make it an unhappy house by the way they treat me and act. Whenever she is here D13 spends the whole time in her bedroom and refuses to interact with me in any way. She can't do that at H's b/c she is currently sleeping on the sofa. They all know how I hate spending time alone and so they know they can create an atmoshpere this way and then use it as an excuse to spend more time with H. I feel punished by my own kids for just wanting to be thier mother while H who walked out of thier lives without a second thought gets all the good times with them.

gotta go, the tears are back and this post is already way to long.