Okay dear friends, Thanks for all the input and 2x4's. Trust me I've asked myself each and every question, and said each and every thing that you have all said here. I don't know if I am doing the right thing either. All I know for sure is that I am the happiest I have been in my life.

Reasons I won't go back...
Friday night. H blew a MAJOR rod. He got really drunk. Drove out here. He had been calling me and I would not answer and I was not home. So he was furious. He put his truck in the ditch up the road. I got here and he came out of the shed screaming at me. He yelled, he threatened, he kicked and punched the h*ll out of my car (dent in the door), he flipped the picnic table, he threw the grill, he kept coming after me but I managed to stay away. He layed in the yard and cried. I called his brother, then eventually left and called the sherriff. The sherriff made sure BIL took him home but no fines or anything. The next day we talked and like usual it was my fault because I did not answer my phone. He needs me to help him get through this. I told him me being me I will do that, and because I care about him. But part of me wants to say F*ck You, where were you the last two years. I love him, always will, but I will not go back to a life of being afraid.

I knew in my heart that I could not file for that D until I was 100% sure I was done. I filed.

I have no idea where this road will take us. I've told B and H this. But for right now TOH has to do this for her. For the very first time in my life I am standing on my own 2 feet. I am standing up for me!

H may be saying all the right things. Really he isn't but he's trying. He never cries and now he is. He's said for the very first time in 25 years that he needs to quit drinking. Then that very night he got drunk. But I see a man that is spinning. I don't see any changes. I see him throwing a fit because life just turned upside down for him. He really believed that TOH would wait forever. He's still throwing blame instead of maning up to all his wrongs. He's still angry. Nothing has really changed. And it's time for TOH to move forward and leave this life behind.

Someone said this thing with B is like an affair. I'v felt that. I hate it. Affairs are wrong. And EVERYthing about B feels so right. I feel guilty, why? Am I wrong to want to be happy, trully happy? Never in my life has a man treated me so wonderfully. When I am with him I feel 100% respected and appreciated. I have NEVER had that before.

I have to go to work, I'll be back...

Thank you friends,
LUV, TOH


M41
H42
D17
Adopted N14
M22 T24
"Bomb" 4/07
Sep 8/07
Admitted OW 11/07(only to me)
OW back 12/4/07
PA on off thru 7/08
says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08
D final 7/09
Moving on and up!!