Partner left after 9 yrs - A Tale of Two Ex's

[AliSuddenly]

Well, thanks guys! Wow, still processing, but what a strange time in my life. Neaj.. the Piscean fankly seemed more depressive and less good company than the Leo !! He cried several times, seemed quite down, or messed up about his Dads death lately, is nearly estranged from his brother and mum apart from emailing, etc. Sounds bad, but he was lovely, sweet, yes the old magic was there.. my stomach flipped, he sat me on his lap, stroked my hair, kissed my face, gave me a back massage (!) for a bit as I have such a bad back right now and he's very good with his hands (artist! lol, that was his excuse).. but I just couldnt, cant analyse it, but just couldnt, it just wasnt an option. I guess because I am in love with my ex still.

Listening to him.. the old doubts crept in..our musical tastes are very different and lifestyles...and he talked about himself alot despite saying I was the love of his life (well then, wouldnt he want to get to know ME?). To be honest, he was the very picture of what NOT to do, like anti-dbing, when trying to win back your ex.. so much so, it gave me massive insight on the dynamics between me and my current ex, what not to do and how it makes you feel in yuor body when someone puts too much of their own emotion on you (makes you want to fly out the door and breathe in the air).

So.. I met my ex.. i was right, the paperwork was just a ruse! (he's so transparent).. he didnt even get it out of his pocket! Offered after a brief discussion (less than a minute) to just go ahead and sign it himself and then changed the subject!! We met at 8 and his cousin, brother, mf and oldest BMF turned up around 9 (all looked surprised to see me!!) so he had arranged it that way, so that we would have an hour together first. This was the same old 'gang' he took me out with last summer, so thats strange but maybe its like a cover, makes it 'ok', so he can see me without it being 1 on 1?

I had a wonderful evening, chatted, laughed, old haunts, injokes, like we'd never been apart.. he was a bit 'cool' in front of them around me but less so as it got later. I think he is still with her. When it came to leave at 2am (!) I was driving.. so we went out to the car and he just said to his brother.. see you tommorow and left him to walk home !! (the same direction we were headed!).. so he wanted time alone with me in the car, but he faux yawned, so I knew he just wanted 5 minutes (neither of us cried this time, but close to it). In the end, we sat outside his Mums and hugged mainly, for 15 minutes, we talked a bit too and this time, we held hands the whole time and at one point, naturally linked fingers (which felt lovely).. he hugged me alot and we both ended up doing heavy breathing (lol!) and I could feel he was a ball of emotion.

He said - sorry I am being so rubbish Al.. as he was hugging me, with his head buried in my neck.. I think I said, would it help if I told yuo I am always here for you? He said yes, and thanks and hugged me more and squeezed me hard and rubbed my back. I said at one point, I'm sorry I wish I could find the words ..he said no, you have...you have really helped..

He then looked me in the eye and said nicely, with no drama...I just need some more thinking time.

So thats where we are at I guess. I said to him, thats fine.. sat back and said..ok, thats fine, just do whats best for you.. put yourself first.. he thanked me again (dear god, I have to be such the bigger person, I am practically Geoff Capes).

He told me.. its been good to get away, its been good to be here actually.. well, not here (meaning at his Mums)..well you know, I said, I know what yuo mean, its been good to get some space.. he said yes, it has been and hugged me again for ages, I kissed his neck and then our faces were nearly touching and I felt he was going to kiss me, but I just kissed his face and he promised several times to call me later in the week (! jeez).

Standing back from all of this... my ex ex has overwhelmed me and it was too much too soon and now I feel the responsibility of his happiness and that I might 'ruin' his life and upset him terribly if I turn him down. BUT.. I am still in love with my ex, more so than ever and had a wonderful evening. Contact with him has increased and I have seen him 3 times in a week and he has called me 4 times and texted and said he will call me later this week too. He is still with Helen.. but at least he is now explicitily verbalising that he is in "thinking mode". So, which way will the decision go !? One of the last things he said thuogh was "I dont feel very manly, or decisive, or emphatic".. so, he hasnt yet decided.