Thanks mnt_dreams for your advice. I totally agree with the whole needing to stop pursuing, but it's really difficult. One of the things my husband said to me before he left was that he felt I wasn't interested in him. Being so nonchalant and backing off just seems so counterproductive. I've been thinking a lot and actually have had something brought back up that I had pushed aside.
My husband and I had a discussion a while back about the fact that he is ADD. He never went to get a diagnosis and hates being labeled anything. He shows so many signs of the disease though. He forgets things unless they are important to him. He starts out projects really excited and by the end is just miserable because it's hard work and hard for him to stick to it and many other things.
He said when he was leaving that he didn't want to be responsible for anyone else that if he didn't have a job, didn't want to wake up until 3pm, or didn't feel like eating it wouldn't affect anyone else. He was telling me he loves me and you could see it in his eyes not two weeks before he left. Right before he left he went through some really difficult issues that I believe caused him to push everyone away.
After we talked on Friday, he said he would call me back that night to let me know what he was going to do with his dog. No call. Didn't call Saturday either. He finally left me a message on MSN telling me he didn't know what he was going to do, that he didn't want to take him to the shelter, and was seriously thinking about letting him out in the woods somewhere. He thinks he will have a better chance to make it out in the woods than at the shelter. The dog is a very pretty lab sheppard mix who is just too much for us (me and the kids) to take care of. He needs a home with a yard and people who will be with him for more hours than we can. He was originally adopted from the shelter by Dan and I because he wanted a friend to have at home.
I'm just so confused. I know that I love this man. I have been reading and reading so many things trying to figure out what I should be doing. I did some attempts at GAL today. I went out with the kids to the park and took pictures. Sadly I have to be honest and say that part of my inspiration was to be able to put the pictures up in hopes that he will see them. I know that it is said that GAL is not supposed to be about doing things to get a partner back, but in the grand scheme of things isn't that what we all subconsciously are wanting?
I do have plans to get my hair cut and colored. I, myself, am tired of the rut I've gotten into. I also am making plans to join a new gym that has opened up here.
I feel so sad and hurt. Movies with romance and people being intimate (hugging and kissing) just break me down. I'm tired of this. I was driving home the other day realizing how much I took for granted going home to my husband. *sigh*
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
