Need Help handling affair thats still going on

[kjensen]

Hi CL,

I wasn't asking for transparency about OW, just that since H restarted the A, and I discovered it on a hunch, I felt deceived(rightly so). I think 'the lying' part of the MLC hits me the hardest. Since I don't want to be lied to, I would rather not be a part of my H's life while he is lying and being dishonest about his relationship with the OW. I would rather take myself out of the equation.

To me, being a friend is being supportive, being honest, sharing the highs and lows and with respect to my H, not just sharing chitchat only..something a bit deeper.

I don't think what H and I have right now is truly a two-way friendship, more of a one-way(my effort, my support, my honesty)relationship. What I had tried to convey to H was that I couldn't be his friend(support, care, listen to his daily life) if he was seeing OW and continuing the A. I didn't need to know all about OW-just whether he planned to continue the A or not. I thought if he continued the A, and by removing myself from H's life as much as possible then the OW could take care of all his needs(and hopefully fail), and maybe he would miss me/our friendship.

I guess what I was asking in my earlier post was, where does my boundary stand, is it truly a boundary, if I don't have the information needed to stand by it? Maybe that means my boundary wasn't well-defined? I don't know. I just know emotionally I have a hard time thinking friendly thoughts, being friendly around my H, if I know he is sleeping with another woman while still married to me. I would feel like a doormat.

So..not knowing about the A...I guess I continue as is. Hope H continues to share periodically, be suspicious in my head all of the time..be hopeful in my heart.