I rember a complete breakdown with my parents and apologizing the next day for all of it, they were very understanding, maybe you could do the same and feel better about yourself.
I agree with the others, don't beat yourself up over it. This is an extremely difficult time for you. Your emotions are running high and the holidays are difficult.
You need to take care of yourself first and foremost. If that means not dealing with your family right now then that's ok. Let them know that you appreciate their love and support, and what you need right now is (to listen, some space, whatever you need them to do).
Also, if you feel like the anxiety is getting the better of you, make an appointment with your doctor to discuss getting some meds to help you out. Many people here do, it's nothing to be ashamed of. I got a mild anti-depressant which I ultimately decided not to take (would have interefered with my nightly glass or two of wine!) and also something to help me sleep which I did use until I got back on track.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Thank you guys for the support. It means more than you can imagine.
Today has been very tough. I am not sure if I slid backwards today or not. My wife and I spoke on the phone this afternoon for a while. It started with the all too common theme of she tried to tell me, it was under my nose and I didn't see it.
She then went on to say that she can't understand how I feel that she was disrespectful with how she handled the situation. I stood my ground and explained that I felt she ran away and abandoned our marriage, home, friendships and family to start a new life for herself. I feel left on the sidelines and in limbo because she can't decide what she wants to do right now. These are my true feelings and I feel that I should stand by them right now. I do feel some relief about telling her this and that she is still thinking about it. Although, I do have some concern that she may be modifying the meaning in her mind to justify leaving the marriage (my usual fear that I need to get under control). Am I handling this the right way in your opinion?
I talked to her about us seeing individual counselors or therapists and she said that she isn't seeing anyone for herself because she feels well balanced and not in need. I mentioned that this may help her in deciding what she wants and she at least acknowledged this. I am not getting my hopes up on this though, it will be her decision.
The conversation did end on a more positive tone. We actually lightened up and complimented each other on the other's character. I told her that while I am upset and our conversations have been deep and difficult, that I am not attacking her character or who she is. I told her that she is a great person. I just don't agree with walking away from everything as suddenly as she did. She responded with compliments on my character and that she finds me to be fun and funny.
The complimenting lead to us talking about starting with a friendship. We discussed that since the ordeal, we haven't been able to be friends. We talked about finding something to do together on Tuesday night. I am hoping like hell that we can go have a light-hearted fun afternoon together, but I told her to call me if she wants to do something. I didn't want to push it on her. Any suggestions on this?
Once again thank you all for the support. It has been a tough weekend. I just got in from a 3 hr workout and it seems to have settled me down some.
M 30 WAW 29 T 15 M 5 ILYBNILWY 3/8/09 Separated 3/14/09
I agree with the others, don't beat yourself up over it. This is an extremely difficult time for you. Your emotions are running high and the holidays are difficult.
You need to take care of yourself first and foremost. If that means not dealing with your family right now then that's ok. Let them know that you appreciate their love and support, and what you need right now is (to listen, some space, whatever you need them to do).
Also, if you feel like the anxiety is getting the better of you, make an appointment with your doctor to discuss getting some meds to help you out. Many people here do, it's nothing to be ashamed of. I got a mild anti-depressant which I ultimately decided not to take (would have interefered with my nightly glass or two of wine!) and also something to help me sleep which I did use until I got back on track.
The anxiety is almost overwhelming at times. I originally went to a doctor and they prescribed .25mg Xanax. Honestly, it didn't phase me. I have been taking two (0.5mg) at night to sleep only, but I am waking up in such a down mood.
I have to do something to manage the depression and anxiety so I scheduled a doctors visit for tomorrow at 2:30. I am having an extremely difficult time with my workload right now and I am very concerned about my performance. I have spoken with my Director and he has given me full 100% support as he just recently went through a divorce. It is helpful, but I also know that I have to get back on track. Hopefully some sort of anti-depressant will help with the wandering thoughts and really low points. I have never taken meds for this type of thing in my life, so I am apprehensive.
M 30 WAW 29 T 15 M 5 ILYBNILWY 3/8/09 Separated 3/14/09
Yes, that was a big backslide. But best to learn from it and move on.
Who called whom? Who brought up the relationship issues? No more R talks unless she brings it up. And then you just listen and validate. Listen to me: she will NOT understand your pov, she will NOT agree with you, she will NOT tell you something you want to hear.
Bringing up that you want her to see an IC is trying to control her. You cannot control her actions/thoughts/feelings. You can only control yourself.
Have you read sandi2's list of things to do? Find it, read it, live it.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
hello friend our situation is almost identical, my wife said the same to me about her telling me a thousand times when we were together that i was pushing her away, and yes i didnt see it either, only dirrerence is i told my wife i respected her decision to leave and it must of been really hard for her to do, and i knew she didnt wake up one morning and decide to leave, she must of been battling with it for some time, at first i did feel all those things like, why would she just up and leave like that, how can she do this to the family, she is selfish, she is heartless, etc etc. but actually she is none of these things, it took great guts to do what she did, and without it things would of got worse not better, i know how my wife thinks, and by me realising those things and not telling her that i thought she abandoned me and the kids, she now has the upmost respect for me, i dont know your wife and i dont know her values so dont know if this is something she would like to here from you, my wife and i are great friends now, there is never any talk of our marriage unless she brings it up first, when we are together i completley detach myself for our situation, but most importantly im myself around her, beacuse if you act like something your not she will see through this, become her friend again, yes do organise something together, cant say what only you know what your wife enjoys, but make it something different than the stuff you would normally of done, make her laugh, excite her, shes already said your fun, show her how much fun you are. just make sure you detach yourself, remember your starting a friendship, good luck
I called her after several rounds of text messaging about a restaurant. We discussed the question and then she mentioned the relationship. She told me that she felt she had no other choices/options other than to leave the way that she did. This is where I really slipped because we went back and forth several times. I need to work on just listening and validating, I will focus on that. I haven't read Sandi2's list yet, but I will try to do some searching and see if I can find it. She has been posting on another thread and has been extremely helpful. I agree with your comment on the IC, it is controlling and I can't control her.
I am not going to approach her about us going out tomorrow night. I won't even mention it unless she brings it up. If we do end up going out I am going to try like hell to keep the relationship thoughts completely out of my mind. I just want to go and have fun like I would with any of my friends. This will be tough especially with the depression right now, but I know that I can do it.
Thank you!
M 30 WAW 29 T 15 M 5 ILYBNILWY 3/8/09 Separated 3/14/09
Although xanax is a short term treatment for depression/anxiety, maybe you should inquire about a more true anti-depresant like Lexipro or the like (prozac type). It takes a little while to kick in, but afterwards you can really deal with a bunch of stuff. Although it is a bitch to get off of, when things do settle down, it can really help with the right now.
Also, just be friends with this girl and I say this girl to make you think that she is just a girl, one of millions. You would not talk about an R with a friend or someone that you are just beginning to date. Try this mindset.
Although xanax is a short term treatment for depression/anxiety, maybe you should inquire about a more true anti-depresant like Lexipro or the like (prozac type). It takes a little while to kick in, but afterwards you can really deal with a bunch of stuff. Although it is a bitch to get off of, when things do settle down, it can really help with the right now.
Also, just be friends with this girl and I say this girl to make you think that she is just a girl, one of millions. You would not talk about an R with a friend or someone that you are just beginning to date. Try this mindset.
Burt
Thanks for the advice. I meet with the dr. in just over an hour and hope to come up with something. I feel bad because I hate taking meds of any kind, but I feel I really need it right now. I think a true anti-depressant may be a better option vs. xanax.
My W just called and said that she wanted to go out tomorrow night. She wasn't sure of what to do, but we can find something. She started it by saying "Lets go out tomorrow night because I know you wanted to get together". I told her that I didn't mind either way and that we can go out only if it is what she wants. She said that she want to go out, so I said ok and left it there. She said that she will call me back to finalize the plans.
I am feeling stronger today, but I have some concern about seeing her tomorrow night. I seem to have a long recovery time after our encounters. My goal is to keep the activity tomorrow night as purely friends with no R talk. Focus on friendship, not relationship!
M 30 WAW 29 T 15 M 5 ILYBNILWY 3/8/09 Separated 3/14/09
...She found out that I went to an art festival last weekend and said that she would have loved to do things like that with me, but I would have never done that if we were still together. She said that my more social lifestyle changes make her sad because this is what she was wanting two years ago. My rebuttal is, "Why didn't you just come out and tell me?". She usually responds with she doesn't want to be in a relationship where you have to ask/tell the spouse to do things. The other spouse should just know. This type of reasoning is impossible to rationalize with and seems totally out of her character.
I'm going to tell you this for any future discussion you may have with her on this.
Women will win most arguments because they're better at it, their brains are hardwired to be more mentally & emotionally intuitive, things that they can see & understand without direct communication isn't something men are gifted with. Stand your ground and don't cave in, be calm & strong, no arguing, yelling, you just make it known that this is what you believe to be true not just for you but for all people. Relationships are about people who TALK to each other, not about people who READ EACH OTHER'S MINDS. Tell her to read yours since she expects you to read hers.
Relationships that are really successful are based on honesty. Honest communication. You tell her and don't stand down either on this point that you won't tolerate the fact that she expects you to be a mind reader, if you were a mind reader, you would have picked the winning lottery numbers ages ago and would currently be a billionaire owning some special island in the south pacific. Furthermore if she really had this talent of being a mindreader that she expected you to have, she could have read your mind and would have known instantaneously that you were clueless about her unhappiness.
If she wants something from you, tell her she has to be honest about what she wants from you and just ask for it. If she can't be honest with herself about what she wants and can't be honest enough to tell you what she wants and expects you to be a mindreader and "just know", this is a unfair expectation and you won't be held to unfair standards.
