Well, yesterday and today were a mixture of emotions for me. I ranged from being both sad and angry w/XW.
Sad b/c of the loss of family which really hits home when D brings up how much she misses us being together. Then the anger hit as I started to think of XW not trying to save us, her making up her lies, her affair... everything.
Then last night as D asnd I were coming home from an Easter party where we both enjoyed ourselves (D probably more than me), but when we were getting gas, D brought up the marriage thing again and we talked a bit while the gas was pumping (and D was cleaning the car windows - not a professional job as they look a bit worse than when she started, but she felt good about doing it and the job she did, so I complimented her and let her keep going. I can always re-do them later).
D told me she understands our not being married is both of our faults and she said that "mommy loves (BF) now." To which I replied, yes she does, then D said, "But we don't get to see (BF) much any more, but it is ok. I'm ok if Mommy doesn't have a boyfriend."
So I told D I was sorry b/c I knew she liked (BF), but then the mixture of sadness and anger came up.
This is the start of things that I was praying my baby wouldn't be exposed. Another man come and gone from XW's life and I know it will only continue from here. That is why I'm sad for D and angry at XW for everything she's doing that I have to undo.
So, I was twice as down when I took D back to XW today. I didn't want her to go away - I never do - but today was as bad as it had been in a while.
So, that is where I'm at right now. Easter was good and she enjoyed the meager fare the Easter Bunny left for her. I think that too played into things as I'm so f-ing strapped for cash that I couldn't get her the things I wanted to and do Easter up more.
I realize it is all inside of me and D didn't care or notice, but it is another thing that brings up the sad/angry feelings for being in the state I'm in.
I HATE DIVORCE! It just sucks for everyone involved! No other way around it.
I know things will be better in time, but for now, for today, I'm not a happy camper on many fronts.
