thinking about this (both you & your wife) will never lead to resolution regardless of how much time you spend thinking and mentally rehearsing possible scenarios in your head.
You’re not going to figure out a way to make all this go away, and your wife is not going to wake up one day and know whether or not she wants to stay married or get divorced.
One of you has to get up and take a stand and I don't think your wife is going to do it.
People feel secure and invulnerable when they mistakenly think someone will continue to love them without their having to love that person back. Between you & your wife, who do you think is feeling that way right now, who is currently feeling secure & invulnerable?
Alright team, I have to talk a little about last night. I feel much, much better this morning after my encounter with the W last night.
She called and asked if she could come by and get a power drill and a ladder to hang a shower curtain. When she came over our dog went running up to her all excited and this upset her and she asked if we could go out in the garage. The realization of her actions were hitting her pretty hard.
When we went out in the garage I got her the drill and the ladder out and said here you go. Her arms were crossed and she was upset. I wasn't being a jerk or mean, I was being stern and strong. It just felt right. She asked for a hug and came to me for it. I did hold her in my arms for some time and then stepped back.
I knew it was coming, but I wasn't about to bring up the relationship. She brought it up this time trying to play the poor me card that she "had" to leave her home and things. After she said her piece, I had a few things to say.
The first thing that I told her was that I have been dishonest with her and myself in saying and acting like I supported her in her decision to leave. I told her that I felt her actions and decisions were unjust, cruel and disrespectful. She latched on to the disrespectful comment and flew off the handle. "How could I say it was disrespectful?" "When someone has had enough, this is how you are supposed to leave." It really bothered her and I think that I was the first person to come out and tell her that although her friends and family have been saying that to me. For her to hear it from me in a calm voice made an impression.
Don't get me wrong, during this entire event (~1 1/2 hrs) I was scared shitless that she was going to take my comments as an excuse to leave, but I realized in my head that I had nothing to lose, she had already found her excuses to leave. So I carried on....
There were several points where she would get the snarl, grimmace and loud voice and start putting me down. I immediately told her that those times were over. I will no longer be talked to like that or treated in that way. She tried acting like I was putting her below me with that comment,,,,,, she knew better.
I will post more details of the encounter as they come to me. When the conversation ended I wasn't in tears and confessing my love to her. I stood strong, proud and walked away. She got in her truck and left. The wave of emotion that overtook me after the event was a powerful experience,,,, I did break down at that point. I felt like I got to speak of how I truly felt. She called on her drive away to apologize for leaving the way she did and asked if she could come back later to get the ladder and drill. I told her that I had plans later and she could try calling before she came by.
M 30 WAW 29 T 15 M 5 ILYBNILWY 3/8/09 Separated 3/14/09
hi guys home from work now, read your posts and thank you, ive made a decision, im metting my wife in an hour, im making a stand for myself, i wont be nasty and i will be calm, but i am going to tell her a few things, i made this decision today while at work, i cant carry on like this. not sure what to say yet but im thinking long and hard about it i will post back later let you guys know what was said thanks
Beno if you're not sure of what to say don't bother meeting up with her. There would be no point and you would just prove her right: that you are weak and disillusioned and without her you are nothing.
You will get your chance.
If you need something to tell her, tell her that you won't allow her to disrespect you or use you anymore. Whatever she is doing now is her decision and you will make a decision for yourself as to how it continues in the future and that part will be YOUR decision. Leave it at, short & sweet and then walk away.
Remember, being strong doesn't mean be angry, it just means setting rules & boundaries for how people will treat you in YOUR life because that's the only life you get to live.
You just need to put the idea in her head that aren't going to be a doormat or a punching bag anymore and that any time she tries that behavior, you will just ignore her and walk away. When she wants to be calm & civil, that is when she will be allowed to be around you and talk to you and only then, and there will be no wavering on this issue.
thinking about this (both you & your wife) will never lead to resolution regardless of how much time you spend thinking and mentally rehearsing possible scenarios in your head.
You’re not going to figure out a way to make all this go away, and your wife is not going to wake up one day and know whether or not she wants to stay married or get divorced.
One of you has to get up and take a stand and I don't think your wife is going to do it.
People feel secure and invulnerable when they mistakenly think someone will continue to love them without their having to love that person back. Between you & your wife, who do you think is feeling that way right now, who is currently feeling secure & invulnerable?
Alright team, I have to talk a little about last night. I feel much, much better this morning after my encounter with the W last night.
She called and asked if she could come by and get a power drill and a ladder to hang a shower curtain. When she came over our dog went running up to her all excited and this upset her and she asked if we could go out in the garage. The realization of her actions were hitting her pretty hard.
When we went out in the garage I got her the drill and the ladder out and said here you go. Her arms were crossed and she was upset. I wasn't being a jerk or mean, I was being stern and strong. It just felt right. She asked for a hug and came to me for it. I did hold her in my arms for some time and then stepped back.
I knew it was coming, but I wasn't about to bring up the relationship. She brought it up this time trying to play the poor me card that she "had" to leave her home and things. After she said her piece, I had a few things to say.
The first thing that I told her was that I have been dishonest with her and myself in saying and acting like I supported her in her decision to leave. I told her that I felt her actions and decisions were unjust, cruel and disrespectful. She latched on to the disrespectful comment and flew off the handle. "How could I say it was disrespectful?" "When someone has had enough, this is how you are supposed to leave." It really bothered her and I think that I was the first person to come out and tell her that although her friends and family have been saying that to me. For her to hear it from me in a calm voice made an impression.
Don't get me wrong, during this entire event (~1 1/2 hrs) I was scared shitless that she was going to take my comments as an excuse to leave, but I realized in my head that I had nothing to lose, she had already found her excuses to leave. So I carried on....
There were several points where she would get the snarl, grimmace and loud voice and start putting me down. I immediately told her that those times were over. I will no longer be talked to like that or treated in that way. She tried acting like I was putting her below me with that comment,,,,,, she knew better.
I will post more details of the encounter as they come to me. When the conversation ended I wasn't in tears and confessing my love to her. I stood strong, proud and walked away. She got in her truck and left. The wave of emotion that overtook me after the event was a powerful experience,,,, I did break down at that point. I felt like I got to speak of how I truly felt. She called on her drive away to apologize for leaving the way she did and asked if she could come back later to get the ladder and drill. I told her that I had plans later and she could try calling before she came by.
!@@#$%! HOME RUN!!!!
About !@$%%! Time!!!
Yes the feeling in you was indescribable and I said it would be, the amount of energy that has been building up inside of you because of this is incredible and if you handled it calmly without arguing like a crazy psycho then you did perfectly and don't worry about being emotional when you were alone after this had all happened. Releasing that kind of emotion & energy inside of you after someone has been treating you badly is not a common experience, release all that pain, it starts now, once you start letting go, each time you have to remind her that you won't allow her to treat you badly, you will be stronger and feel more confident.
Good job Making_It! I tell men all the time that a woman will pay much attention when the male uses a soft yet firm voice in showing his strength. When speaking like this, he is showing control over his emotions, over the stitch, and over her..... and it impresses her even if she flies off the handle at the time. It makes much more headway than any other way of talking to her. After she cools down, she will think even more about what you said. I loved the part about telling her to call before she comes over. You get an A+ from me!
Women may talk about how they want their H to change, but there is one thing a woman does not want and that is a H who will allow her to control him. She will! IF he let's her. But in her heart, that is not what she wants. Some people have never seen the old movie "Gone with the Wind" which has my favorite male character -- Rhett Butler. Do you know why Scarlett was drawn to him even though she tried to convince herself that she was not in love with him? B/c she could not control him. Oh, he spoiled her with his riches, and he loved her to death, but he would not allow her to use him and control him. And, the only reason she thought she wanted Ashley was b/c he didn't want her and was unavailable to her. Aren't humans strange?
You did the right thing and waited until you were alone to let your emotions break. If you will keep this up, I think you will start to see some big changes.
Take care, Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
for a few weeks ive been having little thoughts about by contribution to this break up, i would argue with myself that it was nothing on my part i was blinded, for weeks ive only ever pointed my finger at my wife, sure i know it takes 2 to make a marriage and 1 to break it, trouble is there was only 1 trying to make it, and that was my wife, ive been so wrapped up in myself ive never noticed my wife slipping away, ive lay awake most nights thinking why this happened, i could see it but i would try to ignore it, then post on here trying to convince myself that it was her that left for no reason, i pushed her away, i finally addmitted to myself that i was the main contributor to this break up, how could i not see this, i will shed some light on it, i realised that i was doing things without noticing them, i was ignorant towards her, the looks i use to give her, hardly listened to her, made her feel uncomfortable around me, said some nasty stuff, took some of her self respect, etc etc i could go on, now with that said yes i was a loving and caring and thoughtful husband and i do love my wife more than anything in this world, so you might ask why have i only just come out with this, truth is guys i was in denial, i did not think it had anything to do with me, over a few weeks i was telling myself its not you, but it kept on coming back, the same scenarios over and over. and i would push them away and say NO. so i decided today to meet my wife and tell her i acknowledge my part in this, i told her how i made her feel and how she must of felt with this mental abuse, how i would come home from work sometimes and check if she had done the chores properly, moan about things that dont matter, the mood swings, i hardly ever acknowledged her when we was out in a group, list is endless...
she broke down and said she couldnt believe id seen it, it turned her upside down, she said all was true and it was why she left, she said she felt like a posession of mine like a tv or games console, just use it when it suits, she said ive been chipping away at her love for me and it finally broke, she had to leave. she was in turmoil, she went on to say i tried to tell you a thousand times. yes she did tell me. did i listen? no i didnt, beacuse i hardly listened to her, how sad is that, i feel like ive cheated her and my family and i dont think i could ever mend it. i will post some more tomorrow, need to sleep.
so sorry guys if ive wasted your time, and rob hope this dosent stop you posting to me? thank you so much
rob and Sandi, Thank you for the words of encouragement. You both have given direction and perspective when I felt completely lost.
There were a couple of scary moments when she said that me telling her these things makes her decision easier (implying that she may leave). Although it did cause me to hesitate, I carried on.
Her friend (neighbor's wife) that she went to dinner with immediately following the discussion came over to talk this morning. I was expecting her to tell me that my wife said that she is further away after our discussion. To my surprise, the friend's perception is still that my wife is still very confused. The friend felt that when she left originally, she had her mind made up to leave, but is now second guessing. She is acknowledging that I have changed (primarily with communication and understanding), but is still not sure if she wants to work on the marriage. She told the neighbor that I would change permanently if she were to come back to the marriage. She misses the friends, family, lifestyle, and things but isn't sure if she misses me. I was happy to hear that her friend explained to her those things are all pieces of the marriage. Those things were built and created as a marriage, not by us individually.
We haven't had any contact since she called back to tell me that she doesn't ever want to leave like that.
beno, Keep your chin up and quit beating yourself up. EVERYONE makes mistakes and has weaknesses. Like you, I have (hopefully HAD) a problem with communication. My wife truly feels that she tried talking about things at one point, but ended up just giving up. Yeah, this is tough to stomach and hard to admit to myself. It is even depressing. But you know what??? There isn't a damn thing that we can do about the past other than learn from it, correct it and move forward with our newfound skills. Understanding and acknowledging is the first step in correcting it.
I am having a tough night myself with swirling thoughts, regret and self pity. The anxiety has my chest tight and breaths shallow. I am the only person that can get myself out of this and am looking for some way to do that (healthy way). I will figure it out however!
M 30 WAW 29 T 15 M 5 ILYBNILWY 3/8/09 Separated 3/14/09
after meeting with my wife yesterday she said she is so releived ive come out and said what i said, she feels the world has been lifted off her shoulders and mine to, she said she almost give up hoping i would see what the cause was, she says this totally changes things now ive acknowledged it. she thinks now that i should get some personal counseling at first then maybe we could look at going together, she said her feelings will take time to come back and there is no saying they will, she is willing to take things real slow, she said this is the first step forward but there will be lots more to come, she hugged me so tightly and said thank you, what do i do now?
beno, I am in the middle of the mess myself, so take my advice for what it is worth.
Follow your heart and be true to yourself and her. Don't be fearful. Be open, honest, sincere and yourself. I can't see how you can go wrong by being that way. That is the way that I am trying to be in my situation, although it seems like things are changing between our situations.
Good luck and keep posting!
M 30 WAW 29 T 15 M 5 ILYBNILWY 3/8/09 Separated 3/14/09
thank you making it things have turned on there head, she hinted that maybe we could live seperate and see how it goes, she didnt atually say it but i got that feeling,i didnt want to pressure her into to much. but she did say she dosent think she could live back here, she feels it would do more bad than good, so my feeling is she is thinking of a new place and maybe a new start, itold her i dont want to pressure her into any decisions and i wanted her to make her decision for her, not for me, and not for the kids just her,
my emotions are all over the place, cant believe i was so blind, so wrapped up in my own little world and i never give a seconds thought of the damage i was causing, i fear i have took to much from her, dont know if it can be fixed, i sure hope to god it can, im so so sorry for all the pain i have caused, i will follow my heart and just pray to god the outcome is in my favour, but whatever happens i just want her to be happy, my heart bleeds for her, i do know 1 thing though i have to forgive myself for my actions otherwise things will never change for me, i have a counseling session booked. so see how that goes, speak soon guys, im going to see if i can find any threads with my situation,
beno, Thank you for the words of encouragement in my thread. I am really happy for your situation. I have nothing, but the highest hopes for you and your W. Please stay in touch and I will certainly stay engaged on your thread. There are a lot of similarities in our situations and I want to follow how things work for you.
robx and sandi2, You two have been a true inspiration through this ordeal and I value your opinions/advice greatly. So as not to continue hi-jacking beno's thread, would it be possible for you to jump in on my thread in the link in my signature below? I am feeling confused again and not as strong as I was feeling earlier last week and can really use your help.
Take Care!
M 30 WAW 29 T 15 M 5 ILYBNILWY 3/8/09 Separated 3/14/09
