PM Thread #5 - Hope new plan works

[PositivelyMommy]

Thanks so much Davidswife. To tell you the truth, trying to get a reaction from H IS one of the reasons I am doing this, amongst other very good reasons as well. If everyone in the triangle is happy with the way things are, then we can be in it forever. But I am not happy in this love triangle and I want to destabilize it. I am just telling my H something which he knew already and have felt from the very first is that if he cheats on me, I will leave him. But as yet, he has not suffered any consequences to his choices so now that our tempers have died down, I am letting him know in a kind gentle manner. The consequences are still the same, I feel the same way, it's your choice.

I told him as much tonight when HE suggested we talk about my moving away with kids. He wanted to know if this is my final decision or what. I told him that I am trying to plan for the time when we need to move, we can. I am trying to plan for our (the kids and my) future. I prefer to stay here and have kids stay here AS A FAMILY. But I will settle for second best (moving to be with my family) if I cannot have my first choice. I am just preparing for my future, the kids' future etc. I told him it's really his choice, not my choice. I said all this in a matter-of fact manner in a gentle tone. My DB coach said I can say anything as long as it is in a loving, gentle manner. I am so glad I was able to pull it off.

I did ask him if he thought we could be a family again. This is the first time I have asked him since August. I felt uncomfortable but was mentally prepared for the worst answer. His reply was that it was hard. I didn't argue with him. I kept telling myself, just listen, don't talk, don't talk. Don't argue with him. So I didn't. I kept SILENT. After a few moments of silence, he said, 'I need to think about it.'

So I guess it didn't go as bad as I prepared myself for. The convo went as well as it could have. What happened next was even more surprising.

He then really opened up to me and poured his heart out about the recent developments with his dad. Apparently their R is kaput. He was upset and crying. I felt so bad for him and I tried to tell him that he didn't deserve this. Then I said, "I know you don't need my advice but this is my take on the situation........" He listened, he really listened. I know he still feels the same feelings about me. He even mentioned our twenties together when we used to visit his dad. I know he is thinking about our early days. I know I am helping him to be a better man and be a happier man. Maybe he is processing the pros of our Marriage again. The rock that I was for him, the fact that I supported him, that I helped bridges for his relationships. I tried to show him my understanding of their relationship and that his father loved him and did not hate him but he shows it in a very misguided, unhealthy way that destroys relationships rather than build them in a healthy way. I was trying to tell him in a gentle way not to give up yet, just give his father time.

Then my H admited that because of his dad, that he has a very hard time with confrontation and he can only do it in bite-size chunks. I was thinking, no kidding, you avoid it at all costs so I don't know what you really think most of the time and think every thing is hunky dory when it's not.

We talked for over an hour. Just like old days. He talked about his work and his career choices and I told him that I think he was extremely good at his career and have nothing to worry about while other people need to scramble, he is very very fortunate. I gave compliments and boosted his ego but I really meant those words, he really is good at his job and he deserves my recognition of it. One of the things he said about the OW is that she thought he was smart. So I think he really wants RECOGNITION in his career so I want to be sure I gave him that. I also said he is behaving differently with the kids as well (in a good way). (He is definitely more engaged in these last two days since I told him about my thoughts on moving.)

All in all, I think he felt what I felt, the strength of our M at its best when he was having problems. I am his biggest cheerleader and emotional soundboard. I always have been, that has not changed. I think I gave him food for thought about permanently leaving me.

When he was leaving he said, 'Thanks for talking with me.' I replied, 'Anytime.' And he looked back at me. I really think that he thinks I hate him and want nothing to do with him. But I think after tonight, by my actions, he can see that is not the case. I have told him last May that I don't hate him, I love him. But emotions were running high so I don't know if he believed me. But now I think maybe he might be open to the truth, I do love him. I want to be his friend and I do not hate him. It's just that I cannot live here in the same city if we cannot be a family, that I cannot bear for him to be with another woman. That he is lying to kids.

But still it is up to him. But I played my hand, he needs to decide now. I am keeping my eyes and ears open and my mouth shut. To see if he continues to reach out to me. I am waiting for my fish to come to me. Wish me luck!