I am having a tough go since last night. I really miss having my W at home with me. I miss the friendship. I miss feeling complete in my life.
We still haven't communicated since she came over and visited on Friday night. I felt very strong after that discussion because I was able to come out say a few things that I hadn't been honest with her or myself about with the situation. There were a lot of peaks and valleys, but overall I think it went well.
My thoughts have started swirling again with the lack of communication between us. I understand that this is how it has to be and I don't have any intentions of breaking that oath to myself.
Maybe it is the holiday and this is usually a day of togetherness, but I am having a hell of a time picking my head up. I am feeling very down and out right now.
I reached a breaking point last night with my family. My parents, brother and his wife and close friend were over for a dinner. I was having a very bad evening and the anxiety was getting the best of me. I went and worked out for a couple of hours which helped. When I got home to my house full of people I felt overwhelmed with anxiety. Everyone was asking this and that. My brother was picking at me pretty hard about the situation. My dad was drunk (he is a very bad alcoholic) and was trying to talk. My heart was pounding and my chest was tight.
I just went into my bathroom and broke down. I couldn't handle it. About that time, my dad came stumbling in to talk and I snapped. I told them that I had enough and that he needed to leave. I couldn't handle all the additional stresses that were coming along with what should have been an enjoyable family evening.
It caught everyone offguard. I feel really bad this morning about the situation, but I hope they understand. I want to be the fun, joking, happy, smiling person that I used to be. I just couldn't be that person last night. I need them right now more than anything and I don't want to push them away.
M 30 WAW 29 T 15 M 5 ILYBNILWY 3/8/09 Separated 3/14/09
