Oops!!.......I think I've dropped the rope!!

[Silent Chrleader]

I'm so tired of feeling so depressed! I am on AD's and have a supplemental med for the panic attacks if/when they hit, and I know that a lot of these feelings are hormonal too, but I'm so tired of feeling this way!

Took GD (with D24 & E) to photographer for first pix. She is sooooo beautiful! Will put up on alt asap. Then we went out to IHOP for late lunch. Saw H drive by in opposite direction on the way to IHOP, so called to see if he was going to house and needed us. He was in a really bad mood. Has a cold. Mad at S18 for not doing enough work at the house.

Talked to MIL and invited her to meet us at IHOP. She couldn't but said she wanted to see me this week. I asked what she thought of "dream house" (H took her up there the last couple days instead of me....) She loved it of course. I said it was good she had some good time with H, but didn't ask about any of it. Told her I was taking her advice and have a date next week. She said that was good and she would call this week to get together with me.

D24 told me H had told my mom that he will file for D on the 18th. On the way back to my place, called H. Talk about a lot of stuff. He doesn't want to be around either of the kids. Said not to talk to or listen to anything they say. I told him I loved my kids and they love me and they love him too if he would only see it. He told me again that he would not "surprise" me with D papers, but would talk to me. I told him that he seemed to tap dance around that subject which left me guessing and I didn't appreciate it. He basically said too bad.

I told him that I just wanted to make it clear that my wish to not do D until needed was only in order to keep benefits and he had agreed to that. He said he hated it when I used the words "agreed" or "promised".....I told him I just wanted him to know that I am not "hanging on" the way he seems to think I am. Told him I did NOT want to be with the man he has chosen to be, and just because I show emotion because I lost something that I feel had value, does not mean that I want him. I said I don't agree with what he has done but those are his choices to make and I am moving on.

I told him that I am trying to face my future with an open heart and mind whatever it holds. I also told him that I am dating and that if I found the chance to be happy I would take it, and that if/when I give my heart again, it will be real for me and I won't look back. He said if I had the opportunity to be happy, I should take it. And I told him that he should be aware that I am actively looking for it!

I have been "texting" with another guy from the "dating site", and he we talked on the phone last night. I'm not sure what to think of this guy......He has a really "out there" sense of humor. He reminds me a lot of my brother who if you recall is a flaming alcoholic, but who is real wonderful guy with a big heart and a load of fun to be around. So, anyway, this guy seems to have a sweet side, and he makes me laugh which I really appreciate right now.....but......I don't know......I don't trust my own judgement very well any more......

The guy I am having coffe with on Monday seems to be a lot more easy going and laid back......

This is so hard for me!!! I've never really dated anyone but my H, and I really don't want to be doing it now, but I gotta move on!!! Everyone I know says this is a good thing, including my H!!

I know I am so lucky in so many ways! I KNOW!! I have great friends, a family that loves me and I love them! Even H's family is supportive of me (even though they are concerned for him too).

I just feel so confused. I hate my job, but I would be a fool to leave it because I will never make the money I make there somewhere else! It's my security now!

I feel like I'm being pulled in every direction and yet I feel paralyzed and afraid of any step I make!

[dl443322]

Hey friend, listen, where I'm from we tell it like it is so here goes - STOP CALLING YOUR H! PLEASE! You are not doing yourself any good. He is not hearing you. You should not have called him when you saw his car. Let him contact you.

And he could tell you all day long he is not going to file, but he will when he wants and there isnt anything you could do about it.

Have you seen a lawyer just to get info and start getting prepared? You really should.

I know you and I struggle so with depression and anxiety. I am glad you are on meds just monitor and make sure they are helping and see doc to adjust the dose if you need to.

I am sorry you hate your job. I am still looking for a full time one - not much luck. Are you still going to go and take a class? I think you should.

Listen, are you dating because everyone is telling you you should or because YOU want to? It should be what you want. You could still move forward without dating S. Just do things you like, keep exercising, fix up your home. Just dont dwell on h.

Really S, please stop calling him. Stop talking about him to your children and your MIL or anyone else. It is only hurting you.

Try to enjoy your beautiful GD. Hang in there, friend. Happy Easter.

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, BM.

OK, I know you are right as have you all been about the calling of my H and the big "backslide" I've been doing the past month. You may recall from the the title on this thread, that I had been in a much better place regarding detachment.......

But, then my GD was born......and I found out that H had a GF.......and suddenly S18 and I are moving back to the house (which still needs the flooring put down throughout the house, half the deck not done, the gas furnace in the fireplace downstairs needs to be hooked up, paint inside & out)......and S18 is completely refusing to cooperate in any way.......and a lady at my job that I don't like because of her brown-nosin' back stabbing ways gets promoted and now has the ability to set personnel policy which she proceeds to do with great gusto [which results in me either taking a cut in pay or having 15 hour days including commute.......I take the cut in pay]......and we still haven't done the bankruptcy papers and I'm starting to get those fun phone calls from debtors H hasn't paid........

And Yes, I'll happily have some cheese with my WHINE!!!

But, hidden in all that crud that really hit me was the fact that H has a GF. Now, this may seem like what's the big deal?? Of course he would be getting a GF.......but actually, that was sort of the boundary I had placed in my mind and heart that would be the breaking point. See, the secretary I could rationalize as the "fantasy" he went to because he was unhappy and she stroked his ego......and remember H and I "dated with benefits" during August to October of last year (after the "one night" with secretary). During that time we talked about dating other people, and I had told H that that was the point where I would close the door because I felt that wasn't looking to "clarify" things, but would only cloud things more. Of course another person would be great because of the newness, no baggage or history to get over......

Then in late September, H had his "Major Life Event" of his High School Reunion, where he was going to show all these people that so looked down on him just how successful he had become......but they didn't even remember him.....and didn't want to talk about what everyone had become, but what their memories were of high school.

Then a couple weeks after he gets back from the reunion, his oldest sister (and really a mother figure in H's eyes) died of breast cancer. H was asked to be a pall bearer and refused.....and then agreed at the last minute. This was very hard for him.....and when we got back home H said he wanted no contact for a month for him to think.......but then he had the big fall out with S18 and the secret of the PA was let out of the bag........and H has been running ever since really.

I knew H would "see" women. He had said he had had drinks with a woman or two here and there, but nothing he would call dating. I guess I buried my head in the sand and hoped that the shy sweet tenderhearted guy that until the secretary "seduced him" had only been with me, was still alive inside him. So, this was a real turning point for me. Even though, this seemed like such a small thing in the greater scheme of what was going on, it really was a point at which I had to look in the mirror and say "OK, that was your boundary.....are you going to stick to it?"

So, I fell off the wagon so to speak and have really floundered. I thank you all for trying to give me what I know was spot on advice. It did no good to call him. It didn't help. He's gone and can't hear me or his kids or anyone and it's all likely pushed him further away actually.

But, at this point, I'm not sure if I care about that stuff any more. I have been honest with him and true to my own ethics and values, and I have loved him through thick and thin to the best of my ability. But, the H that I loved and will always love is gone, probably forever. And even if he were to have an epiphany of some sort and change his mind, I don't think I could ever get past all this. Or more correctly, I don't think he is capable of doing what it would take to help me get past all this. The past month, I have been struggling to take whatever foolish hope I still have inside and kill it. It hurts me and hurts my children. They don't see it as standing anymore. They see it as being a sucker to H's sh**.

As for the dating.......I have been on a dating website for several months, but I haven't really contacted anyone through it. Just sort of seen it more as keeping my eyes open to possibilities thing. Well, in the long drive back from CA with MIL she gave a lot of insight and advice, part of which was to "get out there". So, when I got back I sent out a few "winks", and surprisingly actually got a few back......so I am sort of seeing this as trying to just keep my mind and my heart open and letting it lead me where I need to go......

I want to be happy. I want somebody who actually thinks I am a great woman! I want someone I can have fun with and be myself with and know that I am accepted and loved for who I am!! Someone who likes animals, and children, and thinks that family and relationships are the most important and worthwhile things in this life! I want someone who will hold me when I cry and tell me it's going to be OK, not throw up his hands and shake his head in disgust when I "turn on the f'ing water-works".

Maybe the guy who wrote that card to me really never exhisted exept in my (and H's?) imagination.....

[glamgirl]

SC you are going through lots of emotions right now. You know that contacting your h has not helped bring him closer. Hopefully you can find yourself detaching more. It will help with the emotions, when you do.

I am not so sure of the dating for you. It doesn't feel right for some reason. I think it will only help to add more confusion and emotions on top of what you already have. If it helps you, then continue to do it, but I have reservations about that.

Your h was all those things, don't forget that or take that away from your M. He just isn't that person NOW! Just step back and focus on you and your family. They all need a strong and stable mom.

Happy Easter!

[naej]

Hi SC, I have to agree with Glam,
You had a long m and it is bound to take you a long time to get over it. (not sure if you are D or not) but whatever don't try to play tit for tat you will only get burned.
I so understand the things you want me too but we do have to be healed fully to make that happen.

I guess looking does no harm but be careful you are v vunerable at the moment.

Hope you have a Happy Easter.

[dl443322]

SC, my friend, I know you are in pain, of course you are. This is hard stuff. Really it is. Your h is in MLC. That is obvious. So, DBing still applies. This is for you, not him.

Dont keep analyzing and trying to figure out why h is where he is. It doesnt really matter. What matters is you and your family. That is why it is so important to detach, GAl and try to keep a positive attitude - for you.

I personally dont think you should be dating. You are not emotionally in a good place right now. There is no hurry. Do it when it feels right to you, not because MIL or anyone else says it is.

Sweetie, take it one day at a time. Get through each day, focusing on you.

Your marriage and memories are real. He is in crisis right now and needs to take his own journey. And you need to take yours.

S, please dont call him, dont keep giving him so much head space. And you never have to explain or justify to us why you are feeling like you do. This is a crazy ride, full of ups and downs and remember we all backslide and we are here for you.

Have a great day!

[Silent Chrleader]

H is moving in with OW. He is also probably going to file for D. I'm devastated. Don't feel like I can take any more.

[naej]

HI SC, I am sorry.((())) Did he tell you are did you hear via the grapevine?
You will survive this and eventually be the stronger for it. I know it doesn't seem like it right now.

Be kind to yourself and get plenty of rest and eat well. Our physical bodies react to our mental/emotional health.

Take time for you and decide what you want to do,never mind what H wants.
Take care.

[dl443322]

Oh, my friend, I am so sorry. Take a breath and be still for a little while. You are going to be ok. You will be. No one knows what the future holds.

You have been through so much and are such a great, strong lady.
Take it one day at a time. You could do this. We are here for you.

(((hugs)))

[Silent Chrleader]

Thank you all. You are such good people.