We're headed out for a drink tonight. I txtd her earlier to see if she would. I plan to also ask her what she means when she tells me she doesn't expect me to wait for her. I don't yet get that.
The rest will be light and airy I think. I hope. I'm tired.
Later all,
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I here ya' I need a vacation too, far far away all alone. I feel so drained and feel so wasted. Feel like quitting too, just like he has, so to speak, it's rough. My girls keep me fighting.
M:28 H:30 DD-9| DD-7| Baby- Due 11/10 T-14 | M-8
10/08- Bomb 4/09- Failed attempt at Marriage Fitness Program 3/10- WH moved out. 7/10- Informed me he's filing in Aug
Drinks were good. Light. Airy. We had some wings. That's about it.
I didn't bring up the conversation because earlier in the day she told me she got her test date for this weekend for her big national boards retake. She has to pass else repeat the year. Next week she begins finals.
Last night she was edgy. She started talking in a snippy and snide manner. I calmly told her she could talk to me differently and turned around.
We ended the evening watching tv together on the couch and talking about the kids. Laughing and talking. A quick have a happy birthday tomorrow (it's both our birthday today) and that was about it. She left a note this morning wishing me a happy birthday. We'll open presents tonight. She leaves for her test in Lynchburg tomorrow. Then Sunday we go to Easter service and then her aunt's house to be with her family for Easter. My family is all in California.
I still need to ask what she means when she says she can't expect me to wait for her. That puzzles me.
On my end, I think my biggest hesitation with the separation with her is that I don't want to put my kids through this. That, and I don't really know what she has in mind (as my MC pointed out). I have to get her to doc it which should show her I'm serious about the consideration and will help me to better understand what she's thinking.
Meanwhile, work is on me about my hours. Sheeesh. This is going to be one wild ride of a birthday today I think. Meeting this afternoon to discuss
Good news came yesterday. My sister is having a girl! I tried to not say I told you so, but it slipped out :0) My grandmother is also doing well - she's walking around and is not needing as much help these days. My grandfather is not, but that's to be expected.
All in all, I'd have to say that I'm going to buckle myself in today and see what happens. I'm sure the best is yet to come, but not sure I'll still be able to feel anything when it gets here. My emotions seem, stunted somehow.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Yesterday was an interesting day. WAS was trying very hard to control things with me. I let her. I'm to tired to do much else.
She started txting me late in the day. Asking me about my day etc. I asked back if she'd gotten her burger (her friends were going to get her one for her b-day). I also told her about work and how I had an upcoming meeting about my hours. They're cutting them back and meetings like that are reminiscent of other jobs that didn't end well due to cut-backs. Similarities. She freaked a bit I think telling me not to lose my job etc.
I told her it was fine. I went to the meeting and she started txting me again to figure out if I still had a job. Wouldn't talk about her stuff until I answered that question.
We went to dinner last night as a family. It was good. Ate WAY too much. Still not hungry this morning.
We exchanged presents last night. She got me a thoughtful gift and a card which surprised me. In the card she tells me that she knows that it's tough right now and really complete hell but that she hopes I have a great birthday. My present was a gift card to a place that does cooking classes. I like to cook as a hobby. Bake mostly. I haven't had much interest in recent months in my hobbies but starting to get back to it. Thought it was very nice as it also indicates she listened when we talked of future plans for me.
On the other hand, I haven't spoken to her any more about her leaving. I need to wait until she's done with her boards and finals I think. I'm tempted to just throw it all in her face right now, but that's just me being resentful and angry. I don't have room in my life for resentment. I'm tired of being angry and resentful.
I'm tired in general. Emotionally I'm drained and have very little range any more. But I sense now is not the time to walk away. I still need her to be the one to walk away if that's going to happen. I'll still see if the separation is something I can do if she brings it up again, but I'm not sure how to get past the idea of dating somebody who doesn't want to be with you. That's a weird concept to me and one I can't internalize yet. Just the same, I realize that in the scheme of things I have been married for almost 18 years. This is a short time in that perspective. I'm not ready to throw in the towel although I am gasping for air.
My main concern is the kids. They don't deserve to see their parents separated. It may not be my choice, but I may have to get them to stay with WAS full time to prevent confusion. That breaks my heart, but it would be worse to split them like a rag doll I think.
My MC and pastor suggest that I get her to write it down so I don't have to guess at what she's thinking. Go figure.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
My D17's Dad and I divorced when she was 2. She went between our homes until she was 14 1/2. The entire 12 1/2 years she went between our homes it was hell each and every time she left (even tried to make the switch as a pick-up from school). The reason it was hell was because her Dad saw his visitation as a time for her to NOT be with me, not as a time to enjoy HER. I have a few friends who are divorced, and have awesome R's with their exes, and the kids do beautifully. I think the underlying reason is that they are genuinely enjoying their time with their kids, and not seeing it as time they've "earned" for the kids to be away from the other parent.
It always made my H sick to his stomach to see her leave... she would be crying and clinging to one of us. And, H felt he couldn't affect anything being the StepDad.
So, I tell you this, because I saw your comment re: letting W have them full time so they don't feel like a rag doll. My thoughts are, if done with the best of intentions for the kids and yourself, and NOT done out of spite between you, the kids will thrive. I have proof with two friends. Their kids are doing great. The parents are doing great.
You can too, if you have to.
Let's just hope you don't have to!
And, btw, I feel as you do re: separation. Not sure I could do it!
There's a post on here re: article in an online magazine regarding M's and sticking it out. Look for it, think it was Friday or so. It is interesting, and hopefully, true! If I can find it quickly (before Easter bunny arrives), I'll post it back to you.
Be well, friend. Happy Easter!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Thank you MB. I do greatly appreciate that. I've been soul searching exactly that issue - am I doing this to spite her? To show her a lesson? Or because I truly want to be with my kids.
I have no intention of trying to be friends beyond the marriage. That's too much pain for me right now to even contemplate.
That's the thing: the mc keeps telling us we're a very different case than anything she's ever seen. Mostly because she says we love each other very much. Go figure.
Just the same, the situation is what it is. I'll have another conversation with the MC tomorrow. I'll be bringing some of this up with her and see where it goes.
I'm guessing I am just about at the point that I have to face the reality of it and consider getting a lawyer. Before I do that however, I think it is only right to hear WAS proposal (if she'll do one; we haven't been able to talk about it) about the separation she's after.
It saddens me. It really does. But I cannot do anything for it except listen to her. I am not able to change her mind. She may not be able to either.
Take care, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
