Healing from a lifetime of self-deprecation

[still hopeful]

Happy Easter everyone.

Journaling, April 12, 2009

Hello FIB and everyone else who happens upon my ramblings:

More clarity from what happens in my life. Today, sleeps in late from her late night out with her employee/'friend'. Her brother comes over and I don't pay too much attention to him because, quite frankly, I don't know the parameters of their brother/sister relationship since I don't live there. Regardless, XBiL plays around with my children and ends up with my D8 in XW's closet rummaging through her over-the-counter meds and prescriptions. I ask D8 what they're doing and D8 tells me that she's getting her uncle some Tylenol. I don't really think much of it, but thought it kind of strange that he came over and right away needs Tylenol. Shortly, I tell D8 that her mac-n-cheese is ready. XW asks me to get everyone out of her BR and I do. D8 comes down to the kitchen to eat. I ask D8 where Uncle is, and she tells me that he's smoking. That piqued my interest and I went and checked on him, but he was already gone. XW gets up shortly and looks for her purse, but it's nowhere to be found. XW suspects that Uncle took it, so she calls him but no answer.

XW asks me if I would go with her and our children to Uncle's place and I did. We get there and he's not there, but we spot him driving and turn around. XW parks in front of Uncle and I stay in the car until XW motions for me to come out. She tells me that he admits to taking her purse and refuses to give it back. She's beside herself and asks me to retrieve the purse. I knock on the door and Uncle talks loudly through the front window, eventually coming out and threatening to attack me. Not wanting to be in a fight with him, I retreat. XW asks me what she should do and I tell her to call the Sheriff, so she does, but not before placing calls to both her mother and younger sister. No answers. After talking with the dispatcher, XW tells me that she wants me to go in and get the purse physically. I tell her that I would not and that I wasn't going to jail for her or anyone else for that matter. (I related this episode to my friend who is a child advocate attorney and she was appalled that XW would encourage and urge this behavior/interaction in front of our children.) She tells me to just let him hit me so the Deputies would take Uncle in. I again told her that I'm not willing to go to jail for her.

Two Deputies show up and they discuss the situation with XW. They retrieve the purse and XW, the children and I leave. XW then leaves to go to work, and brings back her employee/'friend' to change the locks on the house. I'm polite and clearly uncomfortable with her lack of respect for me bringing her 'interest' around me but, as she said, it IS her house.

Lotta talking. Excuse me... but this is therapeutic for resurrecting the new me on Easter Sunday. I thinks it's appropriate.

ME: Is there something you need to tell me?
HER: No, like what?
ME: Are you dating DH#5? Is that your intention?
HER: Well, it's not decided.
ME: I want to get out of here.
HER: Well, if you can't be respectful of me and my guest, then fine, just leave.
ME: I've been respectful of your guest, the children and I'd just rather not be around you. Makes me sad.
ME: Besides, I've been over here when you've had male 'friends' spend the night and they spent the night on the couch. That wasn't the case last night. What, are you just f--k buddies?
HER: NO!
ME: Doesn't he work for you?
HER: Yes.
ME: Look, I don't care who you f*ck, but I will tell you this, you cannot make a bigger mistake than f*cking your employee.
HER: No one even suspects anything.
ME: Trust me. They KNOW. ALL of them. (I've already had this discussion a week ago about hanging out with him, but she apparently wants to learn the hard way; she craves that male attention 'fix', doesn't matter who, sometimes even from me.) And if she doesn't know already, your boss will soon know, too. (She now works for a very close-knit, family-oriented business. Should all go over real well.) I gotta get out of her. Thanks for helping me to see everything so clearly through your actions last night and today. I appreciate.

XW takes me to my place.
HER: Do you have anything that you want to talk about?
ME: Nope. I said everything I needed to say both today and the other night. I've done everything I can do to work towards an attempt at reconciliation.
HER: Well, I've been badly hurt, and you just can't erase years of THAT in just a year or two ('course it's been 3). I don't want to go through that again.
ME: Yep, you've made that clear. THAT's what forgiveness is all about. Your holding onto all of it so tightly You clearly want' anyone except ME! Makes me really sad, because in my heart of hearts, I know we could have made our marriage what we both always wanted it to be from the beginning. I'll miss you.
HER: I'll miss you, too. I'm losing my best friend.
ME: I don't believe you. I've watched too much. And, I'm not your friend.
HER: You're not my friend?
ME: No. I told you that from DAY 1. NO room in that stable with all of your ex-boyfriends that you keep around. I'm not willing to be your 2nd boyfriend or 2nd husband and do the work while you share your bed and give your affection to someone else. Too painful.
HER: I'm really sad for you.
ME: Don't be. I know I deserve both happiness and to be loved in return and THAT hasn't happened with you in a long time. I only wish I had moved on so much sooner, like you did, because I'd be through all of this hurt already. Do you even know why I've held myself in 'pause' for three years for you?
HER: NO. I never asked you to. But, I'm not through. I'm not finished (with our relationship). I don't know what the future holds for me.
ME: Well, the good news is, you now have one LESS option to concern yourself with. I know that you future holds for me, ; happiness and love in return. The good news for me is that I've watched you and experienced all of this up close. You told me the other day that you would be devastated if I divorced you emotionally right now; totally devastated. I didn't believe you then, and I don't believe it now. Your actions bring clarity. Thank you.
HER: Well, don't talk to me about DH#5. You're living with your GF.
ME: No, I'm not. We sorted this all out a long time ago, BEFORE I ever decided to move in. I told her that MY feelings hadn't changed and weren't likely to do so. We'd be able to help each other out. Mutually beneficial. This was my last resort; my last local opportunity to stay near the children and you and to help you out as much as I could.
HER: No, it's not. She's in love with you, and you still....
ME: Yes, it IS my last option and NO, I don't. I made that clear before I ever decided on moving in. (This woman is going thru her fourth bout with cancer and is currently going thru chemotherapy treatment every 3 weeks. She's weak and I help her out as much as possible. Twenty masses removed from her abdomen in February. Am I getting something out of this? Yes. We both get something out of this set up.) I was offered this opportunity to remain near you and the kids 3-4 months before I accepted, and I didn't accept until AFTER everything else fell through. Believe what you want. You do anyway.
ME: You know, you still haven't stopped so you can think, feel, heal and deal. So you can forgive me and we'd possibly have the opportunity to work on reconciling. I believe you either don't know HOW to forgive, let go and move forward with me OR it's simply that you don't desire to do so. Running may just be easier. Either way, the end result is still the same, now isn't it?
HER: I may never stop.
ME: You may not, but I can tell you this. I'm exhausted from pursuing you. I'm a good man...with flaws, yes, but a good man. I deserve better. I deserve to be happy, and I'm going to make that happen. I'm sorry I failed you as a husband, I truly am. I'm really sad about all this.

We parted ways. I'm sad, but I said what I needed to say. I've done what I've needed to do. My conscience is clear. I've repented my sins. I've prayed for guidance and the clarity of His will to be evident to me. I've apologized to her repeatedly. I've improved myself. I've deepened my faith. I've done all that I can do, except let go, as Phoenixdeux advised. I've reached that point. I had the 'R' conversations I feared having; feared because I didn't want to hear and accept what I knew likely was my truth. Well, our first conversation was my first giant step and tonight was my second in the direction of letting go and healing. I hope that after today, the remaining steps will be smaller and hurt less as I hopefully take advantage of my own inertia and keep myself moving along in the right direction. Time will tell, but for now, I need to walk the walk; instead of just talking the talk. I need to not cave in to my desires to see my children, knowing I'm also incredibly drawn to her presence. It's all clear now. I've been told that when I really let go, much of the pain goes away. That's been my past experience.

So, here I am. Working on letting go, as Phoenix said:

Letting go doesn't mean it's over...it just means you quit pining away and start to look at her as your EX wife. I've been where you are. I'm remarried to her, so I know there is hope...but it was just being open to possibility of reconciliation, without actually expecting it, that was more helpful.

More apt words I have not run across. I will live my life acting "As If...", understanding that future in this situation is made brighter simply by my willingness to get unstuck; to move; to take action.

I need all of the encouragement you all have to offer; not to give up, but to live as though I've let go with the intention opf letting go and outward actions of having let go. Regardless of the final outcome of my sitch, I know that Phoenixdeux's direction again of:

Just keep a positive attitude. If it doesn't happen with your wife then you did what you could. If I were you, I'd tell your wife the truth.

I would frame it this way though: "I know it probably doesn't change anything with us, except to make it worse, but I need to have a fresh start at life and do things right from this point forward."

is sound. I did all of this, and as of right now, it didn't change anything nor make things worse, necessarily, but it did add clarity to my already murky situation.

Well, I've rambled on long enough about my journey, not to end my 'marriage' with my XW, but to find clarity and direction in moving forward in His direction, to make His will my reality; to move forward in the way that is best for me, XW, and our two beautiful and perfect children. Open to all who have a thought, preferably positive, to assist me in thinking, feeling, healing and dealing in my situation.