Oops!!.......I think I've dropped the rope!!

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, BM.

OK, I know you are right as have you all been about the calling of my H and the big "backslide" I've been doing the past month. You may recall from the the title on this thread, that I had been in a much better place regarding detachment.......

But, then my GD was born......and I found out that H had a GF.......and suddenly S18 and I are moving back to the house (which still needs the flooring put down throughout the house, half the deck not done, the gas furnace in the fireplace downstairs needs to be hooked up, paint inside & out)......and S18 is completely refusing to cooperate in any way.......and a lady at my job that I don't like because of her brown-nosin' back stabbing ways gets promoted and now has the ability to set personnel policy which she proceeds to do with great gusto [which results in me either taking a cut in pay or having 15 hour days including commute.......I take the cut in pay]......and we still haven't done the bankruptcy papers and I'm starting to get those fun phone calls from debtors H hasn't paid........

And Yes, I'll happily have some cheese with my WHINE!!!

But, hidden in all that crud that really hit me was the fact that H has a GF. Now, this may seem like what's the big deal?? Of course he would be getting a GF.......but actually, that was sort of the boundary I had placed in my mind and heart that would be the breaking point. See, the secretary I could rationalize as the "fantasy" he went to because he was unhappy and she stroked his ego......and remember H and I "dated with benefits" during August to October of last year (after the "one night" with secretary). During that time we talked about dating other people, and I had told H that that was the point where I would close the door because I felt that wasn't looking to "clarify" things, but would only cloud things more. Of course another person would be great because of the newness, no baggage or history to get over......

Then in late September, H had his "Major Life Event" of his High School Reunion, where he was going to show all these people that so looked down on him just how successful he had become......but they didn't even remember him.....and didn't want to talk about what everyone had become, but what their memories were of high school.

Then a couple weeks after he gets back from the reunion, his oldest sister (and really a mother figure in H's eyes) died of breast cancer. H was asked to be a pall bearer and refused.....and then agreed at the last minute. This was very hard for him.....and when we got back home H said he wanted no contact for a month for him to think.......but then he had the big fall out with S18 and the secret of the PA was let out of the bag........and H has been running ever since really.

I knew H would "see" women. He had said he had had drinks with a woman or two here and there, but nothing he would call dating. I guess I buried my head in the sand and hoped that the shy sweet tenderhearted guy that until the secretary "seduced him" had only been with me, was still alive inside him. So, this was a real turning point for me. Even though, this seemed like such a small thing in the greater scheme of what was going on, it really was a point at which I had to look in the mirror and say "OK, that was your boundary.....are you going to stick to it?"

So, I fell off the wagon so to speak and have really floundered. I thank you all for trying to give me what I know was spot on advice. It did no good to call him. It didn't help. He's gone and can't hear me or his kids or anyone and it's all likely pushed him further away actually.

But, at this point, I'm not sure if I care about that stuff any more. I have been honest with him and true to my own ethics and values, and I have loved him through thick and thin to the best of my ability. But, the H that I loved and will always love is gone, probably forever. And even if he were to have an epiphany of some sort and change his mind, I don't think I could ever get past all this. Or more correctly, I don't think he is capable of doing what it would take to help me get past all this. The past month, I have been struggling to take whatever foolish hope I still have inside and kill it. It hurts me and hurts my children. They don't see it as standing anymore. They see it as being a sucker to H's sh**.

As for the dating.......I have been on a dating website for several months, but I haven't really contacted anyone through it. Just sort of seen it more as keeping my eyes open to possibilities thing. Well, in the long drive back from CA with MIL she gave a lot of insight and advice, part of which was to "get out there". So, when I got back I sent out a few "winks", and surprisingly actually got a few back......so I am sort of seeing this as trying to just keep my mind and my heart open and letting it lead me where I need to go......

I want to be happy. I want somebody who actually thinks I am a great woman! I want someone I can have fun with and be myself with and know that I am accepted and loved for who I am!! Someone who likes animals, and children, and thinks that family and relationships are the most important and worthwhile things in this life! I want someone who will hold me when I cry and tell me it's going to be OK, not throw up his hands and shake his head in disgust when I "turn on the f'ing water-works".

Maybe the guy who wrote that card to me really never exhisted exept in my (and H's?) imagination.....