Oops!!.......I think I've dropped the rope!!

[Silent Chrleader]

I'm so tired of feeling so depressed! I am on AD's and have a supplemental med for the panic attacks if/when they hit, and I know that a lot of these feelings are hormonal too, but I'm so tired of feeling this way!

Took GD (with D24 & E) to photographer for first pix. She is sooooo beautiful! Will put up on alt asap. Then we went out to IHOP for late lunch. Saw H drive by in opposite direction on the way to IHOP, so called to see if he was going to house and needed us. He was in a really bad mood. Has a cold. Mad at S18 for not doing enough work at the house.

Talked to MIL and invited her to meet us at IHOP. She couldn't but said she wanted to see me this week. I asked what she thought of "dream house" (H took her up there the last couple days instead of me....) She loved it of course. I said it was good she had some good time with H, but didn't ask about any of it. Told her I was taking her advice and have a date next week. She said that was good and she would call this week to get together with me.

D24 told me H had told my mom that he will file for D on the 18th. On the way back to my place, called H. Talk about a lot of stuff. He doesn't want to be around either of the kids. Said not to talk to or listen to anything they say. I told him I loved my kids and they love me and they love him too if he would only see it. He told me again that he would not "surprise" me with D papers, but would talk to me. I told him that he seemed to tap dance around that subject which left me guessing and I didn't appreciate it. He basically said too bad.

I told him that I just wanted to make it clear that my wish to not do D until needed was only in order to keep benefits and he had agreed to that. He said he hated it when I used the words "agreed" or "promised".....I told him I just wanted him to know that I am not "hanging on" the way he seems to think I am. Told him I did NOT want to be with the man he has chosen to be, and just because I show emotion because I lost something that I feel had value, does not mean that I want him. I said I don't agree with what he has done but those are his choices to make and I am moving on.

I told him that I am trying to face my future with an open heart and mind whatever it holds. I also told him that I am dating and that if I found the chance to be happy I would take it, and that if/when I give my heart again, it will be real for me and I won't look back. He said if I had the opportunity to be happy, I should take it. And I told him that he should be aware that I am actively looking for it!

I have been "texting" with another guy from the "dating site", and he we talked on the phone last night. I'm not sure what to think of this guy......He has a really "out there" sense of humor. He reminds me a lot of my brother who if you recall is a flaming alcoholic, but who is real wonderful guy with a big heart and a load of fun to be around. So, anyway, this guy seems to have a sweet side, and he makes me laugh which I really appreciate right now.....but......I don't know......I don't trust my own judgement very well any more......

The guy I am having coffe with on Monday seems to be a lot more easy going and laid back......

This is so hard for me!!! I've never really dated anyone but my H, and I really don't want to be doing it now, but I gotta move on!!! Everyone I know says this is a good thing, including my H!!

I know I am so lucky in so many ways! I KNOW!! I have great friends, a family that loves me and I love them! Even H's family is supportive of me (even though they are concerned for him too).

I just feel so confused. I hate my job, but I would be a fool to leave it because I will never make the money I make there somewhere else! It's my security now!

I feel like I'm being pulled in every direction and yet I feel paralyzed and afraid of any step I make!