Saving Military Marriage - 3

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Fitchk

OUCH!!!... sooo, let me see. First off, see a JAG L b/c they're free and what on earth do you have to lose? If they tell you that you need a civilian attorney (can't recall where you are stationed) get one. Big deal, you'll meet them at least once and get info but MAKE SURE they have experience with the military (maybe a former JAG in the area). There may not be an advantage to divorcing now, except if you want to date, and I KNOW what your answer is to that...but make sure you are not responsible for his debts, and change your SGLI and other beneficiaries. You don't want OW to benefit in any way from your demise or injury and trust me, I've seen some ugly situations in war and with marriages...

Okay, is it possible that God wants you to know all this b/c it's clear that you are not meant to be married to this man? Is that possible? We all have free will and maybe there were signs before the M (obviously there were, but did you get any of them?) that you overlooked or ignored, or didn't want to face or were too needy to see, and unfortunately you are being slammed with a lot of info now and all of it is pointing away from M to him now. I mean what is your real confusion about?

You are wondering now, how far off you were with your vision of him? I guess pretty far. So was at least one of his friends, who would have been a better man to have told YOU and or told your h to tell you the truth before the m...but that's not how it played out and now you know.

What else are you expecting to have happen or to find out, before you'll "know" what it is you are wanting to know? I mean for ME, God's clarity has never been a lightning strike. I've had to pray and sort of get thru some fog and see that it's kind of a 60/40 thing for ME probably b/c of the way I analyze. Maybe it's much clearer to Him...but for me, in your sitch, it IS clear.

So my question is, what are you waiting for as a sign? And is it all about whether to file or wait? Or are you thinking your h will "get it" and "wake up" and rush back to you realizing that ALL of the past was just one big mistake?

It wasn't. It's a PATTERN of behavior and the only reason I can imagine that he is telling you all this now, is to get through to you that it is over. Your sitch is short, and pretty dramatic and not that confusing as he is NOT loving to you, or acting in a conflicted way. He's just not a husband type although he's telling himself it's all about choosing wrong on his end and that NOW he found the RIGHT one so NOW he'll be a great h....uh huh...sure....it's not HIM, it's YOU and the other ex w, and the other gf's before...they were all the wrong women and now he has the RIGHT one and NOW he'll be faithful to HER...

yeah, whatever. Pray that he gets better and doesn't get killed there or die a jerk. And focus on yourself. Are you sure the fast is a good idea? Are you discussing it with your doctor? It concerns me on a number of levels. Don't confuse fasting with getting your h back. You are sufferring enough. Geez, get a gallon of ice cream or something...a bottle of good wine and a long bubble bath and cry and rent chick flicks, etc.

I think the mountain climb is GREAT and I wish I were younger. Damn, I hate writing that out! IT's a definite regret though, as I got pregnant after qualifying for airborne so I never went and got my wings. And climbing some serious mountains was also on my list but with little ones it gets too crazy and suddenly you are in your late 40's...(maybe it's not too late/???)

Back to YOU...I think I've said enough FC...I think you know the answers. But you sure don't like them and neither would I. Ask God for strength, b/c somehow I think he IS giving you guidance...it's the follow up that sucks for you right now.

But hey, I'm human and I could be way off. But dang, your h is probably doing you a favor by dumping all this crap onto you now. Call him in 5 years and maybe he'll be healed, but no, do not tell him this!! IT only works if he thinks he's lost you and he does not think that now. In fact, it is hard to miss someone you know you can have. IF IF there is any chance of a reconciliation I think it's from losing you and winning you back as he is not the type to spontaneously treat you well. This isn't a fluke for him, which is the terrible news. This is him. I think that is what he's trying to say to you.

I'd treat him like an alcoholic who just realized he has a problem, but he is not YOUR problem...he is HIS problem, and OW's I suppose...some catch for her...

I think the hardest thing for you right now is that you are finding out how long term the deceit was. So you wonder if your perceptions about anyone or anything are on target. This is a natural response to news that would floor anyone. But go back to my earlier post. Get c and find out what you overlooked IF anything. Maybe your h is the greatest actor of all time and ALL the good times were lies...He should go to Hollywood. Missed his true calling.

But maybe he's just a cheater who likes "feeling in love" and having lots of women in his life, as w's, as OW's, etc. There are guys like that. Some of them are around you in the military. But I just wish that the ONE guy you are supposed to be with who is out there now...won't get shrugged off b/c you are "with" your h...legally.

Someday you'll meet a man like many of the ones here. And he won't lie or cheat. He'll be a good man and you'll be happy together. In the meantime, fix whatever there is to fix in you, and heal....

I have said enough and you have had to "learn" enough for now for anyone. You must focus on the mission. My older brother is there now in Afghan, and just left from Iraq. He likes the adrenaline rush I can tell, and will likely lose his "new" wife as their m is about 4 years old and 3 of them he has chosen to be overseas in Iraq. When he returns to the US, as NO war lasts forever, he'll return to an empty home I think...and his d18 will be in college and she won't really know him either...and he'll "get it" when he turns about 60. My FIRST sil, is lucky my brother left her 10 years ago. She was so hurt back then, but she met a good man who has been a great step dad to my niece as my brother has gone off and hunted for adventure and adrenaline-- to keep him from looking within or whatever it is that motivates him to "keep striving, never arriving..."etc. There is a thread of that in your h, but my brother never actually cheated on his w so I have to hand that to him.

FC, forgive me, but your h has a pattern of being a really lousy h and bf. He is consistently bad at it. What else can I say? I'm so sorry!
My real question is about your past. Have you chosen poorly before? What were your other bf's like? Is there something in who you choose, or was this man, your h, the first time you've been way off? I'm hopeful you can gain insight here in case you played some role so that you won't have this horrible experience again. But there might be nothing here but dang, EXPLORE IT...who wants this again? No one. Good luck,

(( j ))