Ok, I need to journal about what happened yesterday. So yesterday I was home from work waiting for the cable company to come and look at the cable that H was suppose to. Lesson learned: get my stuff done from others and don't ask H to do anything. He didn't make an effort to keep his promise but I didn't push the issue anyway, I had decided to get someone else. So while I was home the door bell rang and I thought it was the cableman but I looked out and saw H's van in front, so knew it was him.
So H came in and said first noticed that I got a new piece of furniture. Then he said that he came for some cassettes (very old... H likes to keep his old stuff) from his crate in the basement. I thought at first he said he wanted to take the crate so I said let me see what's in it for me. Then he said that no he just wants to take his cassettes and he doesnt have anyplace to store the crate. Then I think can't remember exactly I responded with trying to get him to take it and he started to cop an attitude. We were starting to get into fight mode and he said forget it and acted like he was about to leave. I then did a big DB no no and said H come here when he was at the door. And then I gave him a hug. I just didn't want to fight. In hindsight I know I shouldn't have but I think my natural instinct is loving and in a stressful situation I think our natural instinct comes out. So you can 2x4 me here. Anyway, then I let him go get his stuff and remembering DB I went upstairs to my room and continued watching TV. It was funny that when I knew he was out of the basement I did these loud fae laughs just to show that I'm happy. So then he came upstairs of course and said he was about to leave but as usually he walked around the house to check the premises out. Funny thing is that he even asked me how is the alarm system doing. I think he uses the alarm system to do what his natural instinct tells him to do - protect. I told him it went off during the night but I took care of it and asked him again about the panic and ambush features in case some is attacking me. So then remember that he so needed his w2 the other day I reminded him about it and was going through the papers to find it and he said look for it later, uhhh?
Anyway, so when he was leaving he started to kiss me and stuff and I kept pushing him off and said, no not this time you so think you can just walk in here and I will fall at your feet. But I was not very forceful as I would have like (I swear I have this soft spot for H and he knows it and just abuses it). So he kept pushing it and I kept telling no just leave and as ridiculous as this will sound... I went upstairs and locked myself in the bedroom and told him to just leave and pull the door in I'll lock it after. Then H came to the door and kept saying that I need to stop being silly and that he just wants a kiss good bye and he's not going to run after me. Then I came out the room and there he went again so I then went to the bathroom and locked the door. Finally he said, fine I'll be the bigger man and show you so just come and lock the door.
So I went out lock the door and H started up again that he knows he's coming back home and I said please save that conversation for when you move back to your mother's place out. When H left he was suppose to just stay at him parents for a while and not live with OW. I even asked yea, I wonder if you've share that with OW. Then, get this, H said that when he comes homes he as some requirements (He has requirements) and I said I do too. So shortly after he left he was calling my phones and I didn't answer. He left a message to ask a question about the bldg and I just texted him back.
But the bottomline to all this: 1. I don't know what's worse to have a WS that completely moves on with their A or to have a cake eater like my H. H knows how much I love him and he abuses my love for him. It makes it so much harder on me to move on and detach. 2. I am way too weak because I shouldn't have to lock myself in a room. I should be able to tell him no and stand strong. After he left I was kind of mad at myself that I know I have such little self control. But its like being an alcoholic and having alcohol dangling in my face. I think I did better than I would have before b/c I would have been making out with H in no time and then wanting to beat myself up for letting it happen. I promise I am going to work on just being able to say no to H. 3. Also I feel its like what the Steve Harvey book was sayign that men cheat because there's no penalty. H has no penalty here. Damn he should be asking me can he come home not telling me he's going to come back home and I should be saying no you can't come home until he has worked for it. I do admire the women who when their men cheat they want nothing to do with them. I think that sets the boundaries of what is or isn't allowed. 3. H is just about games and I'm tired of it. He hasn't grown or made any change at all. I said yesterday that one of my requirements would be MC and he said we don't need that. I know what I need to do. bullcrap. Puppy, I did try though to say that we need to not discuss any of this until you have moved out from living with OW.
Yesterday, when H left I felt like do I really want him. We will be back to square one if he doesn't make a change.
