Of all the things I hate about this business, the thing I hate the most is the fact that she knows she has sexual power over me. That one truly sucks.
I was re-reading my posts about The Outing and the R talk that she initiated, and I remembered some more details about one aspect in particular.
She said during the car ride back that she had a lot of feelings for me, "different" feelings. "I like you. I care about you. And I have lots of other feelings, too, different feelings. And anger. And right now all I can see is anger."
And as she says this [so you sort of have to do the visualization thing here -- I'm driving, WAW's in pax seat] she reaches around with her arms and grabs the headrest on the seat -- something I don't think I've ever seen her do before -- which has the effect of causing her to arch her back a bit and, of course, push her breasts out.
And as I think on this today, it's actually the second time in recent days that she's done that. I recall (now) at least one evening where she did this, sitting in a chair and reaching behind to grab it in the same way, wearing her thin cottony sleepwear (and you can imagine the sub-fabric effects) and -- curiously -- not being bundled up in her robe (as she had been for the weeks after D-bomb).
Now obviously I've noticed, but don't seem to be processing in real-time. Afraid of the implications? Afraid of what I might do in response and set my DB'ing back (which of course begs the question if there's DB'in to be set back)? Or just afraid?
Wish I could puzzle it out, but I can't and know I shouldn't try. It's either a reflection of her new-found (MLC-related?) sexuality, an invitation, a tease, a taunt, or all of the above.
But it does hammer home quite nicely just how imbalanced the power is in all of this. I tried to kiss her once, in a nice way, a few days back and it was a disaster. Won't go to that well again.
