Stepping out and Stepping UP!

[cagzmom]

interesting --

last night i was talking to s20. i said "u sick of me not being over it..." he said "sometimes" i said "do you think i should be...?" he said "yes and no... but love you though.." we laughed and then i asked... "do you think he will ever want to come home..." he said "no.. i am sorry mom, but no. i think he will look back and say..dang wish i wouldn't have done that...but i dont think he will ever want to come home.."

just leaves you to think.

my kids through this entire thing have been dead on about x. AND I AM NOT holding my breath and not living..though i am still consumed with wonderings about him so often. What is he doing? where is he at... is he dating not dating? all of that -- all teh while knowing he doesn't think of me at all.

then i go to the next level of thought and that is Gods love for me. if GOD loves me he wants teh BEST for me (just like me with my kids...) and if GOD wants teh best for me what am I doing for me to obtain or even SEE what is Gods best for me.

See -so often in this journey, and i believe through my marriage I always equated Gods best with X and that was it. there was no more for me. (and that was ENOUGH) but now X is not part of the equation it is JUST ABOUT ME. Jeez' i hope this is making sense.

This isn't about whether or not I believe God wants marriages restored - that is a no brainer - YES. BUT this is about CAGZMOM and about what God wants for me right now - today - what does he want me to focus on? Waht GOOD does He want for me?

By living in the "what is going on with x" mode it doesn't seem like I give Him (GOD the ultimate life fulfiller) much room to show me what HE WOULD like to show me...

just thinking .. i know rambling thoughts of a LBS ..

moving forward doesn't mean that you don't love or don't want that person in your life. To ME it means LIVING my life and living it NOT BASED on teh outcome of someone else.