Ex and I have about zero communication with almost all of it email. I get in trouble when I talk to him.
After a day of him pulling through, giving me the numbers and data I needed I felt such relief. As I drove I remembered how I felt with him when things were positive. He was in my mind in a soft fuzzy way. I missed the husband, the friend, the one I loved, who loved me. I attributed it to lots of contact not being negative. What would have been our 26th wedding anniversary was yesterday, Good Friday.
I realized that deep within I love him, feel connected to him in a quiet positive way. That it comes out when he's nice to me. It wasn't something I really wanted to accept because it's so much easier when I can point the finger at him. But it is what it is. At the same time, I won't live my life on crumbs of affection or goodwill. I'm glad I can feel the good and the reality at the same time and feel at peace.
Here's to exiting (albeit slowly) the cave of anxiety and fear.
