Thanks for the thoughts! Of course I was feeling a bit whiny when I wrote it. Then I remembered how much I longed for normal, boring during the drama of last year.
Last night I went back to the hospital to volunteer. While in the ICU I saw the male nurse who folks at the fund raiser had spoken highly of and shared that with him. I added that I hadn't been around because I was so drained from my last visit.
He spent time explaining how the after effects of Reiki or any thing that deals with energy works and demonstrated how to take care of it. I did it while waiting for my daughter's rehearsal to finish once I was done at the hospital and didn't think anything about it.
This morning I woke up feeling so deeply refreshed, so at peace and calm. I went back to sleep, conked out again until the doorbell rang, and had the same sensation again. It feels like the sleep is cleansing, doing all sorts of healing/relief/release. Since I'm free today, guess what... I'm going back to bed again!
Just rub that in!! You must need it so feel free to indulge. I just wanted to check in on you and see how our Katie was doing, plus hopefully "hear" your soothing words.
Glad you are good. When I get some time I am going to have to check Reiki out!!
Hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Life is going pretty good though I'm still more likely to see where I lack rather than what I do well.
I have an exercise I do for the "Is this anxiety or a problem solving issue?" When something comes up that I avoid repeatedly, I write down everything. If it's an endless list of what if, what if, how much, how can I.. etc... it's marked as anxiety. I do so much emotional and dog chasing tail mind work that there's no way anything can get done.
If I keep hitting a brick wall, not having a clue even after trying different tactics, it's a problem solving issues. Asking others for help usually works well.
Ex wanted to talk to me 'live' on the phone about our tax return we're obligated to file as married filing jointly. As usual, I didn't pick up the phone. Then I figured, it was already done by a professional, it was numbers.. what was the harm? "The refund seems really low compared to other years." That was it!
Ah ha.. but your dear Gypsy decided to ask him about the other outstanding issues.. like direct depositing his check as decreed in the divorce settlement (something he said couldn't be done but the payroll can do). Felt a little anger from him with him telling me to let him think about it. (??) It went to other issues.. like the 401(k) that has still not be rolled over to me well past the 60 day limit.
He asked me why I was questioning his word in transactions without documentation. I just need a paper trail. He kept asking.. and I finally said that because I saw that he kept $50 in the credit union account but would have me pay $13 for one thing, $7 dollars for another.. that he wasn't being consistent about splitting everything 50/50.
Now I knew it was the wrong way to go and I tried to tell myself to shut the F up.. but no, it came out. After all, what is half of $50 in the grand scheme of things? I was just so tired of him being petty and snippy.
"Gypsy.. you are a miserable person, living a fantasy life full of misery..etc etc." I bit my tongue knowing saying anything wasn't worth it. I ended the conversation on a business note, got off the phone and screamed, feeling all shaken. Why in the hell did I do that to myself? After about 10 minutes I was back to normal and let it go.
My emails to him are bare boned.. just the basics needed. The next day I wrote specifically why I needed his canceled paychecks because it is next to impossible to get refinanced if I don't have a year's worth of alimony checks... that his inconsistent amounts (where he'd deduct additional money he felt I owed) and irregular deposit dates worked against me. I was lucky to find an entity who would lend me money but they there stopping the program.
That day he started sending me all sorts of information I'd been asking for for weeks. I don't know if his lawyer told him to hop to or if he had a change of heart but getting the information was a relief. It brought another set of issues......
Ex and I have about zero communication with almost all of it email. I get in trouble when I talk to him.
After a day of him pulling through, giving me the numbers and data I needed I felt such relief. As I drove I remembered how I felt with him when things were positive. He was in my mind in a soft fuzzy way. I missed the husband, the friend, the one I loved, who loved me. I attributed it to lots of contact not being negative. What would have been our 26th wedding anniversary was yesterday, Good Friday.
I realized that deep within I love him, feel connected to him in a quiet positive way. That it comes out when he's nice to me. It wasn't something I really wanted to accept because it's so much easier when I can point the finger at him. But it is what it is. At the same time, I won't live my life on crumbs of affection or goodwill. I'm glad I can feel the good and the reality at the same time and feel at peace.
Here's to exiting (albeit slowly) the cave of anxiety and fear.
People change....period. He changed and decided not to take you as a passenger during his journey to change. My STBX changed as well. She is NOT the same person I fell in love with, and when I look at it that way, I can stand back and be reflective and clinical about it.
That being said, the whole process blows a huge hole in us: who we are, how we once defined ourself, our own sense of worth and self esteem, the total betrayal by someone you once trusted implicitly. Only time can take care of that, and for some of us, a LOT of time.
You are a smart, reflective woman who will get through this. You, like me, take your cynicism with you wherever you go! Sometimes "black humor is the best". One of my good friends in Iraq who spent most of his days on the roads once said to me in November of 2007: "I think I'll hold off on Christmas cards this year!"
hey gypsy....i know what you mean about the spouse being nice. i have those same feelings on occasion. however, as fltc stated so eloquently, it takes time and these folks are NOT the same people we fell in love with. i always like to add...their loss and better now than later....
you have a lot to offer Gyps...i have said that before.....we can not let one person (no matter how much we loved them) continue to affect us.
looks like sticking to formal emails is the best, talking to them other than that is like putting your face in front of an exhaust pipe. The best of luck on your house paperwork, I hope all goes well.
Quote:
feel connected to him in a quiet positive way. That it comes out when he's nice to me.
I hate this feeling, I pray daily it goes away -- when we talk about the kids and we are in agreement and stuff it feels...ugh...nice...then, I have to remind myself that he is living with his gf and how things really are, that we aren't a happy couple talking about our kids. I dont' love him, but there are remnants there from years of being M that make me feel that way I guess.
Hijack over, I just had to say that since you pinned point the feeling I've been having when I talk to him.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
It's been a very busy time with friends and family.
My dad went into the hospital again. I felt a strong need to be there and everything fell into place (right priced, place for my daughter to stay along with our dog) that allowed me to fly out 3 days after buying the ticket to visit. It was very good to see my dad and my mom.. and my brother. I'll probably go out in a month or so to help my dad with organizing his stuff. The way I helped my mom impressed him.
So many little things have been happening that add up to big things. Going with the flow, not fighting something that seems right keeps taking me to better places. Over the weekend I had an incredible time with my sister, so much angst from our past gently dissolved, at least for me.
On the way back (a 90 minute drive through picturesque hills) I followed my urge to go to the hospital and do Reiki. I had an incredibly moving experience with a young woman, who later said I was her angel. Describing the flow of energy, how much sorrow, hurt she released is beyond my ability. I was shaken by its simple completeness... kind of like trying to describe the feeling of holding your newly born baby in your arms.
All sorts of shifts of awareness and thoughts have tweaked me.. in a good way. Although I looked at refinancing, I decided that selling the house was a better option. I have firm numbers on what I'd get for selling my sporty car which I can use to build a monetary cushion or use toward a down payment.
I'm facing things I avoid. Ex's words no longer make me quake. I simply have no interest in talking to him. His actions have burned bridges, at least for me. I'll work on getting over that rumbling tension inside but I keep the thought of forgiveness toward in the forefront.
