My wife and children are house-sitting for a few days which gives us the space my W wants. Last night I discussed the financial arrangement with my friend whose house I am going to for 3 months. This morning I was confused as to whether I should ring her and let her know the outcome of the meeting last night and find out how the Easter egg hunt went yesterday for the children.
On one hand if I rang it would look like I am persuing, on the other hand it could look like more of the same from me in that I just do my own thing and do not care (neglect). As it turned out she rang me this morning and said "I thought you would have rung to find out how the hunt went yesterday". I told her I was going to ring but was busy, I don't know if this was the right strategy and response but that is what I said. She also accused me of asking her friend a hundred questions about whether her friend was staying with her on Friday when my W wanted me to take the children home. I was suspicious as to why she wanted me to take the children home for the last night before she comes home on Saturday. I wanted to know if her friend was actually going to stay with her or was it just a ruse to get me to take the children home so that she had the house to herself. I have definately backslid because I have persued and I am kicking myself for it.
We had a heated discussion about the finance, so again, I feel we are just not making any progress. She also asked me if I had signed the divorce papers yet and I said no. When she asked why I said "I don't want this divorce", but before I could validate her reason for it she put the phone down on me. I rang her back after 30 minutes to ask her if she put the phone down which she confirmed. We talked for a while about money, I then spoke to the children which was hard as it's only been a day but I hate not being with them. We then exchanged two texts and I told her not to worry about the money. Her response said 'OK x'.
I feel pretty low at this point especially without a job and the pressure of my situation. Did I handle the above correctly or not?
- So what are your thoughts on that interaction reading back. Good and bad? - What can you identify in there, if anything, that are patterns of interaction between you and your wife? - Did that interaction bring you closer to your goal of saving your marriage? If not what can you do differently next time and if it did what can you do more of?
With my wife still in such an angry state of mind I do know that anything I have tried or said so far has been met with complete resistance. She has not wavered or showed any signs of softening her mood in the slightest, her only concern at the moment is to get the divorce sorted out as quickly as possible. When I re-read my last post I don't think I would have done anything different as she wants the space and yet she initiated the phone call to me. She was probably chasing me to see if I had signed the papers, I do not for one second believe she was ringing out of concern for me, she just wants her own way as described by Puppy. The fact she put the phone down tells me she is angry and frustrated as I am not acting the way she expected me to, I reckon she thought I would be the angry and confused one so that she can attempt to justify her decision to end the marriage.
Yesterday (Good Friday) was my sons 7th birthday. I went over for lunch to where my wife is house-sitting, though as a gesture I bought a lovely plant for my wife as a thank you for cooking us all lunch and as an Easter gift. I thought long and hard over this as I know from reading the do's and don'ts of DB'ing that you should not buy gifts as it could be construed as persuing. This gesture is a 180 for me as I am acknowledging the fact my wife is cooking lunch and is seen as a thank you, which, before the bomb I would have accepted the lunch without any gesture coming from me. I geed myself up to be as upbeat as possible as my parents-in-law were also there for the day, I had dresswd up and I also bought some wine. I greeted everyone, my parent-in-law and my children showing warmth, my wife barely uttered a word. She did not really take any notice or say much about the plant which did not surprise me, but I wanted to show my appreciation and also to show her parents I can be grown up and show I can be resposible and caring. The lunch went quite well though I was positioned at the tablw where my wife did not have to engage in eye contact with me, and in fact she never did during the whole meal. We finished eating at approximately 6.00 pm and I helped clear the table and offered to help which was not really appreciated. My wife said to me while I was drying up some dishes "you should not have bought me that plant". I responded by saying it was a thank you and a gift for Easter and I then left it at that and walked away.
I was due to meet some friends for dinner who are moving to San Diego so this would be the last time I would see them. The time for dinner was set for 7.30pm, as it was only just after 6.00pm my wife said "what are going to do know for the next hour"? this was a clear message that she did not want me there any more, I answered her by saying I will play with the children for a while. Inside I was fuming, when it got to about 6.45pm I said something I should not have said "OK Suzie, I know when I am not wanted, so I am going" (a backslide I think). I said this in front of my parents-in-law who said nothing. I said goodbye to the children and kissed my in-laws who were still happy to kiss me, so clearly they did not think I was being nasty or spiteful. My wife followed me to the door and said she was going to stay at her parents on Saturday. This would be the last night I would be at my home because I am moving out for awhile so I will be alone on my last night before I start moving my things out.
Please could someone read this and try and give me some clarity on the situation. Many thanks.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Up until that backslide there at the end (which really wasn't all THAT bad), I think you handled the whole thing beautifully. I think the plant was fine, the way you positioned it, and bringing the wine was thoughtful, and overall I think you pulled the whole thing off with some grace that is very admirable.
I moved into my friends house this afternoon, did a weekly shop for food etc. I had received 2 calls from my wife which I ignored for roughly 30 minutes. When I rang her it went to voicemail, I left upbeat message saying I was returning her call. At this stage she had no idea I was moving out, she assumed it would have been tomorrow, the idea being I call the shots for a change, be unpredictable and to give her the idea I was not 'clinging' to her or the house. I left her a message saying I had moved my things out and we must discuss the children again and monies to be paid. I finished the note with a smiley face and a kiss. This was to show I am in control of what needs to be discussed but in a nice way.
She rang me while I was shopping and she told me she had tried to reach me a couple of times. She asked me why I had taken literally every item of clothing, toiletries, shoes etc with me, I told her I did not want to have to keep coming back to the house to collect things. Again, I was trying to show her I was not going to keep running back to the house on the pretence that I had forgotten something. If I had just taken a few items, in her current clouded WAW mind, she would definately have complained that I had not taken enough things with me, and she would have said I had done it deliberately so that I could keep running back there to check up on her. She then agreed to meet to talk about the children and the Divorce paperwork.
I think I have played this situation today pretty well, I think now I need to go 'dim' rather than dark which was one of the reasons I am being cited, which was neglect. I will discuss childrens issues with her, though should I initiate any calls, texts to her regarding the children, or should I let her do the contacting? I am not sure how to play this.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Nice moves, Mark. Don't know what suggestions to make re: playing "dim," since UK seems to have different divorce rules than much of USA, particularly my little corner of the New World, which is "no fault." You ought to confer with the solicitor, but I fail to see how one can "neglect" one's spouse during a separation, the very purpose of which, it seems to me, is....neglect (of a sort).
I wouldn't stay dark re: the children, but I wouldn't make so many enquiries that they smacked of trying to find an excuse to talk to her. On Sunday evening, for example, you could SMS to get a reading on their schedule for the week. If they have significant events during the week, it's natural to check in on them if W doesn't contact you first. Otherwise, maybe call JUST to talk to the children.
In regard to going 'dim' i mean as a strategy rather than legal. I do not want to look as though I am doing more of the same because in the past I have not played a big enough part in their lives. I want to be a better father by spending more time with them, but I do not want my wife to assume I am pursuing her via the children. Also, I want to make sure I am not detaching totally from my wife, though she is definately detaching from me at the moment so I need to try and find a balance.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
My wife texted me this morning to ask me if I had told our neighbours about us. When she had asked me a few weeks ago I had said no, when she asked me again this morning I texted her and said I HAD told our neighbours about us a few weeks ago. In my text I added I wanted us to have an open and trusting relationship and this is why I admitted to my wife I had told our neighbours. She then rang me and said "You did it again, you lied to me AGAIN", this was because of my admission and wanting to start with a clean slate. She said I am a compulsive liar like my father (whom she hates) and I just been a weak man, I even admitted to her mother yesterday that I don't want to go but I have to (what a stupid thing to say to her mother - serious backslide). She also said I am persuing via the children and prying into her private life, all I am doing is asking her about her day ahead which was something I never did before, she said "why start asking now, you never did before and it makes me angry. Do not ask anything about me, only the children".
I feel down again because as soon as I feel I am making tiny steps of progress something like this happens and I feel I have gone even further away from my wife. I feel I keep shooting myself in the foot, but I have been so confused and had to vent to people that I should not have done, but I am so desperate for advice, guidance and agreement because of the way my wife is acting. I have never meant to harm my wife when I have lied, unfortunately, it has come back to haunt me.
Please can somebody tell me what to do at this point? I feel lost at this point.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
