i feel my wife needs a wake up call, she is unaware of her actions, i mean she will to a certain point but she cant see it through my eyes, i do know one thing for sure if she ever does see it she will come crashing down to earth, beacuse at the moment she is flying high, well guys im off to work now and im expecting a text later for cash, she wont be getting it, thanks guys
Hi Beno, I apologize for just now getting back to your thread. I see where you have received fantastic advice from Rob. I hope you will do what he has suggested b/c he is correct in what he has said.
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yes i have been pretending nothing is wrong, ive been carrying the burden of it all every last ounce of it, my wife has yet to experiance any loss, beacuse ive been and done everything i normally do for her, its not different for her, she is the one smiling and happy and going about life in an arrogant way, while im the one going through all of this and acting like nothing is wrong to her, so she cant see what she is actually doing,
All I will say at this point is stop pretending everything in the MR is fine. Stop enabling her to live alone and stop doing everything she wants you do to for her. As long as she does not have to suffer the consequenses of her bad decisions, she will never change. You say she needs a wake-up call..........what did you have in mind? As long as you rescue her and enable her to live like she wants........she will not wake up. She has it made!
You can receive excellent advice until the end of time, but until you decide to take the bull by the horns and do what you've been told.......your stitch will remain the same. Time for you to make the changes. Drop the rope and start living your life as if she is no longer a part of it and I can almost promise you that it will get her attention. But, you can't do it "just" to get her attention, you must do it for YOU! Most LBS do not want to do this, but it works very well when they have a WAS such as yours.
Hope you will think about it.
Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
alot of men believe that if they confront their wives during this period of separation, that it will be the quick end of their marriage and rather than face the end of the marriage right then & there, they would rather hold on to their wives in pain during a long & grueling separation period.
you feel weak and afraid and are afraid that her response will be one of anger toward you - and she knows that you are afraid to confront her on issues now, she has the power in this relationship and she can do whatever she wants.
Not pursuing legal separation or divorce at her end means that she wants the exciting single life, the thrill of the fantasy but in case it doesn't work out, she likes having the security blanket of a marriage and a husband who will ALWAYS love her and take her back if she decides to come back. The problem is that when they have all the time in the world to make a decision, do you think they will make a decision now or later about the marriage and if she takes as much time in the world to make a decision, do you think she will want to come back or do you think she will get used to living the carefree, no responsibility single life that you are furnishing for her?
in these situations where women leave their husbands in search of the new exciting single life, men don't usually stand up for themselves and tell their wives that this isn't right - their wives become cruel & mean to them, demand things, get what they want because their husbands figure that if they do everything for their wives during this period of time that their wives will magically fall in love with them again (obviously you've seen that the opposite is true, it actually repels & repulses them). Your wives can't treat you this why unless you allow them to, just remember that.
men are falling into the same trap that many women are climbing out of now, you believe you are powerless and can't do anything about this situation - women believe the same thing in previous generations and allowed themselves to be abused much like you are allowing it now, and you're settling for the role of martyr and victim: you talk to your friends & family, they feel bad for you, offer support, a shoulder to lean on, they don't understand why you are going through this and that this shouldn't be happening to you and it reinforces the victim theme in your head.
You are NOT a victim. You are EQUAL to your wife. As such you will STAND UP for yourself now instead of staying down and acting like a victim, you will demand what you deserve, EQUAL & FAIR treatment.
You are not a prop in your wife's fairytale fantasy where she can have her cake (go out, party, no responsibility, flirt, meet new men, etc. etc.) and know that if she wants to, she can come back home to her weak submissive husband because he will always be a doormat that she can walk all over. People enjoy that power when they have it and she has it.
You are not worthless & disposable, don't buy into that belief.
thinking about this (both you & your wife) will never lead to resolution regardless of how much time you spend thinking and mentally rehearsing possible scenarios in your head.
You’re not going to figure out a way to make all this go away, and your wife is not going to wake up one day and know whether or not she wants to stay married or get divorced.
One of you has to get up and take a stand and I don't think your wife is going to do it.
People feel secure and invulnerable when they mistakenly think someone will continue to love them without their having to love that person back. Between you & your wife, who do you think is feeling that way right now, who is currently feeling secure & invulnerable?
hi guys home from work now, read your posts and thank you, ive made a decision, im metting my wife in an hour, im making a stand for myself, i wont be nasty and i will be calm, but i am going to tell her a few things, i made this decision today while at work, i cant carry on like this. not sure what to say yet but im thinking long and hard about it i will post back later let you guys know what was said thanks
One question I have to ask you is this, what have you currently done about your situations: I'll use both you Beno & MakingIT. Have your wives legally separated from you, have they filed for separation or divorce? How long have you been separated/living apart?
Are you both ready & feel strong enough to do what must be done regardless if it means the end of your marriages?
(your next questions will invariably be what is it that we should do Rob but before you ask what you should do, look at your respective situations and be honest if you are strong enough to let them go or if you want to drag these situations on for months and possibly years?)
Sorry for the delay in responding.
My wife and I are not legally separated, but she has her own apartment. I also sent her all of her bills with her (car note, insurance, student loans, etc...). I took over all of the household bills although our incomes were combined. I have removed her from my credit card accounts. We have been separated 4 weeks as of today. Up until this past week it has been me pulling and her pushing. This week I have really worked hard on not pulling as hard (although I had a couple of slips). I am focusing on myself and am no longer initiating contact with her. She has initiated all contact in the recent week. I am working out and hanging out with friends and family. It is helping me put this situation in perspective greatly.
Rob, I am not seeing or hearing of any signs that an affair is going on. I got into her personal email, myspace, facebook and other accounts to check for any signs at all. I know that I shouldn't have done that, but I wanted answers as to why this was happening. I have found nothing and her best friends don't believe that there is someone else. With that being said, I am still on full guard and won't rule it out.
While I love my wife and I want to save my marriage, I refuse to let her drag me around emotionally like a little abused dog while she runs around acting irresponsibly. I haven't set a timeline on how long I will give it, it will depend on how things progress.
M 30 WAW 29 T 15 M 5 ILYBNILWY 3/8/09 Separated 3/14/09
