Last posted on 4/7/09.

Someone else has a topic on this board that is "What the heck is wrong with me?" I'm thinking the same thing about me. My issue is really about me only, and not my XW. What the heck is wrong with me that I'm still stuck?

I've been told that I'll let go when the pain of hanging on exceeds whatever it is I'm getting from hanging on. I tell you, I even surprise myself at what a glutton for punishment and a doormat I've become in my sitch.

Chronicle of the last 6 months or so. Lost my job. Haven't been able to find gainful employment since. THAT blow really eats at my sense of self worth. On February 3rd, I was ina car accident because I ran a read light. I don't recall being distracted, but apparently I was. Luckily, I wasn't injured, nor was my son, but the young lady whom I pulled in front of crushed her little care and badly broke her leg. I've moved out of my place and in with a friend, as a stop-gap to moving back to my home town and in with my parents, so I would be able to be closer to my children (and yes, closer to XW, sadly). So, at present, I don't have a place to call my own. I didn't carry collision insurance (liability only) due to cost, and now I'm without a vehicle also.

I've been moving sideways for 3+ years now, deluding myself into thinking I've been doing the right thing and I've come to realize that the ONLY person I've been doing right by is my XW. This week, D8 is on spring break and I've been with her and S3, at my XW's house because I have no car to get them back and forth and my present 'home' isn't conducive to having them there.

So...I've spent this week at XW's house taking care of my children. On Tuesday evening, XW gets ill. She is so ill she can't go into work for two days. Today, she sleeps late, gets up, goes in and then calls me to tell me she's going out to dinner with one of her male staff. I don't say anything except fine. At 2:00am, she rolls in and asks me if I had just called her. I told her I had and what I said. She proceeds to tell me that she brought her male staff member home with her and was going to take him to his car in the AM and that she's going into work tomorrow. I just looked at her and said, "You don't owe me any explanation. Do what you're gonna do." She kept trying to make nice with me and I'm just done. She took this guy to her BR to sleep. Mind you, she's NOT my wife, and she owes me nothing, but I'm done. Tonight was the final nail in the coffin of my hope, as miniscule as it was. I had previously told her that hanging out with her male staff was a bad idea from a management standpoint, and in light of the fact that she's been with this company less than two months. But what do I know. She is who she is and I deserve both happiness and to be loved in return and THAT's not gonna happen in this relationship.

As my friend Wilbert's been telling me for ages, I MUST take care of me first or I'm worthless to everyone. Well, I've reached that state of being. I'm going home tomorrow. I may be moving back to my parent's to sort out my job and a car situation. Clearly, I was wrong in clinging to my hope to reconcile. I suppose that I can just chalk this up to the fact that WE ran our course, and it didn't work out for US. That's sad, but that does seem to be the fact of my life.

The worst part of all of this is that I'm going to miss my children terribly for a short while, but this is just a chapter in my life, that I WILL stop re-reading, hoping for a different result. I heard a sermon recently,
Quote:
"Don't EVER put a question mark where God has put a period. When something is over and done, let it go and move on to the next chapter in your life. It may be bitter, but God has another indredient (for my life). There's something in my future that will turn the sour into sweet."
THAT has been my choice pattern...any punctuation except a period. THAT's my life and my choice at this point. My move. I haven't been able to move onto my new chapter of redemption because I've been stuck, addicted to the old chapter of pain and control and suffering.

It seems that I've reached my limit for punishment from XW that I can willingly endure. It also seems that she hasn't reached her limit on how much she can dish out. Please, if anyone has ANY words of encouragement for me to continue on, I'm all ears. I pray. I do what I believe is right. I'm honest with people. I'm good to people. I don't get it other than this must be a chapter of my life in need of closing.

To my friend faithisbelieving, thank you for your encouragement. I do know that I'll be OK. I'm a good man who's made mistakes and learned from them. I'm an excellent father who's fallen down in the job market and can't seem to get on his feet. I'm feeling like a failure in those two areas: 1) marriage and 2) providing. On top of everything else, my stamina to continue taking what I take from XW is at its lowest point. I'm weak. I know that phoenixdeux is right that letting go it my only chance to reconcile, but at this point, after tonight, I see XW has no ability to forgive and move forward with me AND/OR she is not desirous of doing so. In addition to all of HER decisions/actions, I, for the first time, am seriously doubting that she is someone that I want to be with after 3+ years of consistently hurtful behavior towards me. But I have myself to thank and blame for that, as I am the one who taught her what treatment from her that I'm willing to accept. Either way, my only real 'choice' is to let go, and let God. Maybe this has all been His way to burn away all of my obstacles to Him and purify me to receive Him wholly. I know that faith is all about trusting God when I don't understand things, and I don't understand my situation with my XW at all.

I'm simply incredibly sad and broken over all of this. I suppose I could have been through all of this right away if I hadn't decided that we were worth reconciling and saving as a married couple. I'm grasping at straws here. There hasn't been anything firm here all along except XW getting her needs met thru me. I feel like such a sucker and a dummy. Is that what I am?

Last edited by still hopeful; 04/11/09 10:05 AM.

Letting Go Tom; JUST DO IT!
previously hopeful_husband

my A: Fall 05
W found out: Feb 06; separated immediately
W pursued D, final 7/11/07

me: 43
XW: 34
D8
S3
joint legal/physical custody