Reading through your h's responses, he tells you that you invalidate his feelings. You need to stay calm, listen to what he is saying, and validate his feelings. Have you read the resources on here?
If not, that is your homework assignment. They will help you understand what your h is going through and why. Believe me when I say that the new perspective helps immensely with letting go emotionally.
"Do you think that getting our affairs in order should be done without his help? If he's detached from me and our D, does that mean he thinks it's no longer his responsibility and should not be accountable for it?"
No I believe he realizes his responsibilities. It's just that he doesn't want to deal with you and your neediness. That's a 2x4. If you and I were married and we had that conversation you just posted, I wouldn't want to talk to you either because you bring up the resentments of the OW. alot.
You have to heal yourself from that first before anything else can be done.
"Yes I am so attached to him. I told him before that to me, the fact that he's not here now is not much of a difference for me, since he was traveling 80% of the time anyways..."
This is what you are saying to yourself but you don't believe it. Keep reading DR and DB to learn true detachment. If you need to vent, vent on here. Let it all out so that when you next see your H all interactions will be happy and friendly.
"What do you think H is feeling or thinking?"
I think he feels guilt, ashamed, embarrassed, angry, confused and most importantly...afraid. He's afraid that if he were to come back you would latch onto him and not let go. He needs to feel like it's safe to come home. You show him that by NOT showing your neediness and stop giving him the guilt trip about the OW.
Become the strong woman that you have the potential of being. Become confident so that if he comes back or not, it doesn't matter to you.
Think of him as a stray dog. He comes into your yard and is afraid of the new surroundings. If you come out and start chasing after him to keep him, he gets scared and runs away or stands his ground and bares his teeth. But if you were to make the yard non-threatening and safe by leaving out some scraps of food here and there, then water, then whole meals, he will feel safer and secure with each meeting. It will then get to the point where he will allow you to pet him when it's safe enough.
It's a long process and I think you need to start off as if he just left even though you've been at it for 2 years. You've just been doing the wrong things. Come up with a game plan and a list of goals. Then make them happen.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Just wanted to offer my support. I've been at this for 2 years too. You are getting awesome advice from very wise people - please follow it!
Stuck, thank you for this. I need a new game plan and goals and this really helps me too:
Quote:
Think of him as a stray dog. He comes into your yard and is afraid of the new surroundings. If you come out and start chasing after him to keep him, he gets scared and runs away or stands his ground and bares his teeth. But if you were to make the yard non-threatening and safe by leaving out some scraps of food here and there, then water, then whole meals, he will feel safer and secure with each meeting. It will then get to the point where he will allow you to pet him when it's safe enough.
It's a long process and I think you need to start off as if he just left even though you've been at it for 2 years. You've just been doing the wrong things. Come up with a game plan and a list of goals. Then make them happen.
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
I realize that I've been doing all the wrong things all this time, and I wish I'd started DB back when this all started. I don't know if DB will help our M now, since so much damage has been done, but either way, it would help me...
I've made no contact with H. I'm just reading and learning...
M51, H49, D21 M 23yrs, T 28yrs 3/07 - OW Bomb 6/07 - move to MIL's; OW relocate 10/07 - OW2 Bomb 5/08 - secretly move to OW2's end/08 - secretly get beach apt w/OW2 2/09 I petition Legal Sep, not served yet
You are absolutely right, it is like a Mexican standoff! My H is such a passive-agressive meglo-maniac! (Not sure what that is, but my friend keeps calling him that!) I have to wonder why I would even put up with any of this!
Btw, my H had been quite verbally abusive (and in writing) that he even came to the house one day when I was out and deleted all his emails. (But luckily I back-up my computer so I still have them...)
Originally Posted By: brandnewday
Somewhere in the MLC archives are the emails from my Husband. I also had to learn how to rethink and how to speak differently.
The other thing you have to remember, is that anything in writing can be used against you, be careful.
I'd like to read some of your archived emails from your husband, could you give me the url? Would you say that you learned to rethink and speak to him differently by becoming sympathetic to his going through MLC? (Or did you just act as if he was the greatest H in the world? j/k!)
But honestly, I wouldn't be able to pull it off - I'm definitely not that great an actress. I'd have to think of this thing he's going through as a major illness.
Well, I am truly grateful to have my daughter, she's gone through a lot, but she's always been there for me. I wish she had a better relationship w/H, but he's not been a great father these past 2 years. She only deals with him if she has some business, (college-related or getting him to turn the cable back on!) It's sad that he chose to go nightclubbing and vacationing with OW instead of spending any time with her.
Thanks all!
M51, H49, D21 M 23yrs, T 28yrs 3/07 - OW Bomb 6/07 - move to MIL's; OW relocate 10/07 - OW2 Bomb 5/08 - secretly move to OW2's end/08 - secretly get beach apt w/OW2 2/09 I petition Legal Sep, not served yet
This is an example of one of the emails he sent me.......
Quote:
What infuriates me is your self-righteousness in your messages and in your responses when it comes to your behavior. You still have not grasped what you did to me and others . You have no idea how much [censored] you made me eat. You get a little whiff of discomfort and you say I am being abusive. How do you think you would stand up to your own brand of abuse? I have not yelled at you. At best I have been trying to talk over your rantings. I am on a laser site focus about what I want. You are wither going to work with me or against me. There is no middle ground. There doesn't have to be an ugly confrontation when it comes to the divorce. You don't have to threaten me with the elements of law and what I should pay and how much you could take and paying for everything. I AM GONNA BE LIVING IN A SLUM AND YOU GET TO LIVE IN A HOUSE WITH MY CHILDREN. Don't be so smug. You treated me like [censored] for 20 years and you get a house. Life is fair isn't it? All I want is peace and to be legally free of your madness. I want to be left alone. Don't you get it. EVERYTIME I try and play fair and nice and patient with you, you have to bite back. You have to act uncivil and THEN CALL ME RUDE! You are infuriating. You truly don't see how you behave. You don't need to solicit advocates for yourself. GXXX HXXXX is not a pastor. This isn't Chatsworth. (I know how you work.) You get a form. We agree to the terms. We get a paralegal to notarize it and submit it to the courts. THAT'S IT. No one gives a [censored] about marriage counselling. You are grasping at desperate straws. LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY... I don't want to be married to you. I will parent with you, but I don't want to be married to you for one more day than is necessary. I am sick of your threats and your lies and your manipulations and your delays and your irrationalities. Even when you say you need to shut up and be still, you still don't do it. Today was a great example of how terrible you are at submittig yourself with humility to the one you offended. (If you happen to be a Christian this week, this is considered actions in keeping with repentance.) That's why I call you arrogant. You have a dramatic "I'm sorry" and you think your penance is paid. Yo have no respect for me. YOU HAVE NEVER LOVED ME. This only continues to prove my point. You treated me with utter disrespect after I spoke to you calmly and repectfully. THEN you had to accuse me of trying to do something under-handed. YOU ARE PARANOID. Don't you see it? Even when you get your way, you still are choosing to make my life a living hell. Thanks for your love again.
In answer to your question....
STOP trying to explain yourself to him STOP trying to defend yourself to him.
Keeps things simple.
Validate what he says.
And using certain expressions like "I am sorry you feel this way".
When they are MLC-maniacs there isn't much point in trying to rationalize something with them.
It is like looking for logic in an illogical situation.
Someone has to change the steps to the dance you have both been doing.......
Last edited by brandnewday; 04/12/0904:29 PM.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
