guys I appreciate the compliments but seriously don't place me up on a pedestal, I went through/am going through the same thing you went through, the only thing I did was finally give up at one point and when I noticed my wife kind of snapped back into behavior showing that she wanted me, it threw me for a loop, that's when I noticed that my previous wussy behaviors of giving in to her and giving her everything and taking crap, cruel abuse from her wasn't the way to go. Then when I stopped being afraid of her (and it was a scary point in time because I was afraid of her, it became near masochistic, I found myself loving her more even though she became meaner & more cruel to me during this process), a switch flipped inside of me after one episode where she really pushed it and said some rude & horrible things to me (including swearing & calling me pathetic), maybe it's just a personal self-defense mechanism, a switch that got flipped and said "how long are you going to take this?", "do you really deserve this?", "criminals in prison get treated better", etc.
That was the day that I moved back into my home, my wife had asked me to move out several months earlier and I did with my tail between my legs, I moved into $hitty apartment down the street from our home and paid every bill at our home and paid rent at my place, lived on credit fumes - it was actually a blessing in disguise, I had to diet didn't have much left over for money & personal expense. Anyways after the episode that I mentioned above where the "switch was flipped", I decided to move back in, nothing was worth feeling the pain & abuse that I was feeling, I pretty much let go of ever getting back together with my wife, when she got back from her trip with the kids (she went to visit her brother out of town for a couple of weeks), I picked them up from the airport, brought them home, she told me she was tired and that I could come back later on if I wanted to see the kids (kids were gone for 2 weeks, hadn't seen them for more than 30min. and she was dictating to me that I still had to wait to see them). It was an incredibly nervous feeling in my stomach, maybe it's comparable to a baby first learning to walk, I told her I wasn't going anywhere and that I had decided to move back home (take into account that we bought the home several months earlier, I spent 3 months renovating it and then we move in and then she tells me she wants me to move out & separate and I was the big wussy that actually did it because I couldn't understand why she didn't want to be with me anymore and I figured if I did everything for her that she would love me again and ask me to come back home). When she stepped into the master bedroom and saw that I had emptied one of the master bedroom closets and put my stuff in there, emptied the 2nd night stand and placed my things in there and she could see her stuff was in boxes - she went ape $hit, angrier, violent & more crazy than ever before and I didn't stop there, I then told her that I would allow her to treat me poorly anymore and I didn't care if we were ever getting back together, it wasn't worth feeling like a victim, an abused animal and that I would help her move out if she wanted. She left that day, drove off in a whirlwind and left the kids behind at home with me (no problem). I also stopped with the visitation schedule she set up for me and got joint shared custody of the kids and now have them 50% of the time (and usually more).
I started feeling better about myself because I stood up for myself, not in an angry combative way, but in a strong masculine way. Spellfire (aka Mike) a great source of support for me here on this site, gave me a great analogy. A man is like a wall to his wife, the type of wall depends on the type of man you are. A weak wall that she can punch holes in easily (she can be mean, uncaring, unloving, angry and treat you that way and you don't set boundaries, you jump at every request and when you ask for something you are shut down, you never win an argument and even those fights where you should be right, it gets turned around and you feel stupid for bringing the issue up and you feel like it was your fault in the 1st place, a weak wall is a weak man). Or you can be a strong wall that is tested for it's strength regularly but weathers each test and stands strong regardless of what happens, you command respect from others because you respect yourself, you are not a doormat, you are not a punching bag, and you set limits & boundaries for how people will treat you in life.)
that past 19 months have been the most life shattering, hurtful, painful, heart breaking, life changing & ultimately the most rewarding 19 months of my life. I feel like a real man now and I can honestly say that I was going through the motions of my life previously (working, paying bills, taking of family & home... wash, rinse, repeat) and now I enjoy my life, I really enjoy it and when you learn this and go through this, you will really enjoy your life too and you won't take yourself for granted for another person.
