I would never use the word rebuild in the R again, this sounds like we are going to go back how things were. This is going to be all new, and never bring up the R to her, only if she starts to speak about it.
I remember a very real moment in my sitch when I realized I have said all I could say to her, I told her how I could not understand how she could do this to the kids, the family, me, how she has not thought this through at all, how she is selfish, yada yada yada. SO she knew how I felt, after that I had to change for myself, and if she liked what she saw, she would come back and eventually she did.
We are going out tonight for her birthday just the two of us and she told me she is even more excited to come home after dinner as the kids are spending the night out. 180's work, go back to just being friends and having fun together.
As far as the family goes, only my mother and father knew of our R problems and of course they took my side, and my wife knows that. She has been slowly building her relationship with them again and it is very hard but once, the initial meeting is over she saw that they were going to treat her like they always treated her, she is my wife.
Thank you for the advice dburt. I guess I look at rebuilding the marriage vs. repairing the damage.
One internal battle that I am fighting is that I haven't been honest with her about how I feel about her leaving. I have told her that I don't agree with her, but I can respect her decision. I am having a hard time telling myself that I respect her decision when I am not sure that I do. Her decision was disrespectful to me, our home, our family and every aspect of our life that we have built together. She justifies her quick action by saying that she refuses to be in relationship where you have to discuss the possibility of leaving, you just do it if you are unhappy.
During all of our discussions/meetings, I have been overly sympathetic and scared to have an open discussion for fear that it will push her away. It hurts me more because she starts out nice and then starts putting me down and telling me about everything that I didn't do for her during our marriage. There is another side of me that wants to remind her of the good things, but I know that will just cause more resentments.
Thank You dburt!
M 30 WAW 29 T 15 M 5 ILYBNILWY 3/8/09 Separated 3/14/09
No use to bring up the good things, she will lie to your face. My wife said all kinds of things that were just not true, things like not having fun on trips in which I know she did, but this would not justify her feelings so she would lie and tell me how she never really loved me, no fun, hated sex, blah blah blah, script script script of the waw.
How can you say you respect her decision, I sure as hell don't, I do not respect those that want to quit on something that they vowed not to, especially without even working on it nor even letting me know something was wrong. I let her know that up front, and that was that, no use of going over it again and again. However, I think your time has past to blow up at her as I did my wife in the beginning. But I sure would not tell her that I respect her decision.
Remember people do not like to think they make bad decisions, so sometimes they need to maneuver away from a bad decision with keeping their dignity, (eventhough it would be more dignified, if they just said, well I am sorry I did that, lets work on this thing).
No use to bring up the good things, she will lie to your face. My wife said all kinds of things that were just not true, things like not having fun on trips in which I know she did, but this would not justify her feelings so she would lie and tell me how she never really loved me, no fun, hated sex, blah blah blah, script script script of the waw.
How can you say you respect her decision, I sure as hell don't, I do not respect those that want to quit on something that they vowed not to, especially without even working on it nor even letting me know something was wrong. I let her know that up front, and that was that, no use of going over it again and again. However, I think your time has past to blow up at her as I did my wife in the beginning. But I sure would not tell her that I respect her decision.
Remember people do not like to think they make bad decisions, so sometimes they need to maneuver away from a bad decision with keeping their dignity, (eventhough it would be more dignified, if they just said, well I am sorry I did that, lets work on this thing).
Rambling now, are you getting what I am saying?
Burt
I absolutely get what you are saying! Thanks for the advice.
It is amazing how similar these situations are. How they repaint history as being horrible and full of misery. If it was that damn bad, why the hell couldn't they say that? Why were they laughing, cutting up and seemed to be enjoying the living [censored] out of their disasterous life that they could no longer bear to be in?
Sorry for the sarcasm, but I have to vent it somewhere.
I am giving her the space that she asked for when she left. I am also reflecting on just how screwed up this sitch is. You don't make love, go out together, hug and kiss each other and then the next night say "I need a separation" without talking about it. Never even mention a peep about being unhappy in the marriage prior to this. Go get an apartment, new furniture and run out the door. Then say "I don't know what I want, so give me time". Fortunately, I am in a position that I can keep things afloat, but she had responsibilities outside of the marriage that she just ran from that I am now dealing with. Now she is playing the poor me song saying that I have all the friends, family and the house and she is in a 1 BR apartment that she can bearly afford because of her bills. The sympathy and sorrow that I had is fading quickly. This sitch has been entirely her decisions and it is dragging me through the ringer.
I love her and I do want to work things out, but this sitch is NOT ok with me!
..... there, I feel a little better now!!! ;-)
M 30 WAW 29 T 15 M 5 ILYBNILWY 3/8/09 Separated 3/14/09
I remember my wife gave me a letter that finally let me in on what she was thinking, and it was generally this. She was not thinking at all, she just knew she had to get out and that before she could think about us, she had to work things out with herself.
That was the first time it hit me that she was really in a crazy f'd up place. She did not have a plan, did not think about the consequenses on our two boys, financially, or anthing else. Lucky for me, she started to go to individual therapy with a guy that was recommended to her by a friend. It really was very lucky she chose to do that for herself.
Any chance she can go speak to someone professionally? Maybe a mutual friend that could get in her ear?
I remember my wife gave me a letter that finally let me in on what she was thinking, and it was generally this. She was not thinking at all, she just knew she had to get out and that before she could think about us, she had to work things out with herself.
That was the first time it hit me that she was really in a crazy f'd up place. She did not have a plan, did not think about the consequenses on our two boys, financially, or anthing else. Burt
I think this true in a lot of cases where there is a walk-away-spouse.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I remember my wife gave me a letter that finally let me in on what she was thinking, and it was generally this. She was not thinking at all, she just knew she had to get out and that before she could think about us, she had to work things out with herself.
That was the first time it hit me that she was really in a crazy f'd up place. She did not have a plan, did not think about the consequenses on our two boys, financially, or anthing else. Lucky for me, she started to go to individual therapy with a guy that was recommended to her by a friend. It really was very lucky she chose to do that for herself.
Any chance she can go speak to someone professionally? Maybe a mutual friend that could get in her ear?
Burt
I know that my wife is in a very similar place, it is obvious by her actions and decisions. She is scared and panicking now, but won't admit it. I have suggested that she speak with a therapist as has her family. It seems like it has gotten some traction, but she hasn't taken any initiative to get one scheduled yet. I will keep trying that angle, but I don't want it to look like I am trying to "control" her life as she says. I really hope that she will. If not for us, then at least for her own personal development. Thanks bud!
M 30 WAW 29 T 15 M 5 ILYBNILWY 3/8/09 Separated 3/14/09
Yes, they rewrite history. My xBF told me the last time he remembered us having fun together was five years ago. Ouch. That hurt to hear but I knew it wasn't true. He also said we have no common interests.
Lo and behold, when he decided to pull his head out of his ass, he wrote me a long letter which included a detailed list of many things we enjoyed doing together.
Just wanted to relate this so you know it is script as dburt and others have pointed out and perhaps one day she will realize she's been ridiculous.
Also, about the "poor me" act, do not fall for it. My motto has been "He chose the actions so he chose the consequences." End of story. We have been discussing a financial settlement and xBF brought up that he's going into negative cashflow every month. I just bit my tongue and he then said "it is what it is" because he knows it's his own fault that we now have two households.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I am having a tough go since last night. I really miss having my W at home with me. I miss the friendship. I miss feeling complete in my life.
We still haven't communicated since she came over and visited on Friday night. I felt very strong after that discussion because I was able to come out say a few things that I hadn't been honest with her or myself about with the situation. There were a lot of peaks and valleys, but overall I think it went well.
My thoughts have started swirling again with the lack of communication between us. I understand that this is how it has to be and I don't have any intentions of breaking that oath to myself.
Maybe it is the holiday and this is usually a day of togetherness, but I am having a hell of a time picking my head up. I am feeling very down and out right now.
I reached a breaking point last night with my family. My parents, brother and his wife and close friend were over for a dinner. I was having a very bad evening and the anxiety was getting the best of me. I went and worked out for a couple of hours which helped. When I got home to my house full of people I felt overwhelmed with anxiety. Everyone was asking this and that. My brother was picking at me pretty hard about the situation. My dad was drunk (he is a very bad alcoholic) and was trying to talk. My heart was pounding and my chest was tight.
I just went into my bathroom and broke down. I couldn't handle it. About that time, my dad came stumbling in to talk and I snapped. I told them that I had enough and that he needed to leave. I couldn't handle all the additional stresses that were coming along with what should have been an enjoyable family evening.
It caught everyone offguard. I feel really bad this morning about the situation, but I hope they understand. I want to be the fun, joking, happy, smiling person that I used to be. I just couldn't be that person last night. I need them right now more than anything and I don't want to push them away.
M 30 WAW 29 T 15 M 5 ILYBNILWY 3/8/09 Separated 3/14/09
dont beat yourself up over that my friend, you did the right thing for you, beacuse this is about you after all, and dont worry about them not giving you support beacuse the true supporters will stand by you know matter what, your allowed to break down when you feel low, you just be the person you are, i know your a top guy i can tell, i feel your love, you just concentrate on YOU, your thee important one,
good luck my friend and just be the best personyou can be on that paticular day, take care and look after yourself
