TBH Puppy I find this whole thread a bit confusing...Ordinarily, from my reading of your position, you would advocate a stating of boundaries and consequences - but you don't seem to be doing that here...what's different?
I'm just trying to understand...
Best - GFI
GFI, I'm not doing ANYTHING here, one way or another -- just collecting feedback.
Hi there PDT. You gave me some support and advice before I confronted my xW. Thx.
At this point, in her mind at least it appears to be a done deal and I'd say that her behavior points to her being intimate with other men fairly soon.
In that light and given that she is going to do what the hell ever she wants, I'd tell your friend to marshall his resources to get the best outcome to the divorce that he can. Additionally, I'd tell him that likely in a couple of years, she will come to her senses and return to being the woman that he knew before and that his goal should be to as quickly as possible become friendly co-parents. That goal isn't going to be helped by an acrimonious or contentious divorce.
So, he could do what I did which was to prime the pump and throw out a solid workable and eminently fair financial settlement and otherwise clam up completely about his life and where he goes and what he does and with whom.
I told my xW how much she was likely to get if the judge had to decide maintenance and support and how we could divide the debts and assets. I treated her as respectfully as I was able and again to the extent that I was able, I didn't ask her about the OM and where she went or with whom.
I also didn't tell her that I was buying a house. I closed the day after our final court appearance and yes, she was pissed when I told her about the house. But, I didn't need her thinking that if I could afford to buy a house, then, I could afford to pay her more.
That's what I'd tell your friend, to get his ducks in a row and pursue the divorce. It sounds to me like she needs the cold hard light of the reality of life without him for there to be even a hope of a change of heart.
Like I said, in a case where it is really "just" time until the divorce occurs, but the spouses are not supporting each other (and I could even picture this in the same house, I think) I might think differently.
VH, just trying to make sure I understand you correctly here. Let's assume there clearly IS still financial, emotional and physical support going on here -- NOT two people's lives, separated; you are saying . . . what?
Puppy
In that case (which seems to be the case in the letter, and not so much the case in the intro), I think a spouse clearly can set boundaries. Of course, the problem is that there's no point in setting them unless one is willing to live with the consequences of them being broken. Maybe some consequences that could be tolerated and still make the point could be on the order of not paying for a cell phone, or something along that line. Then again, if the wandering spouse is clearly not ready to divorce, the promise to start things in that direction if the boundaries are crossed might cause them to think twice. But I wouldn't want to count on it!
