Husband of WAW

[antlers]

This is what I'm doing. I'm eating a lot of crap...I don't like the taste. But I sure dished out a lot of crap myself over the years...TONS of it.

THAT'S NOT VALIDATING!!!!!

To her it's NOT "CRAP", I can not stress that enough. If you think what she says now is "crap", buddy, you might as well pack your bags now because later on when she reaches out for you in an attempt to do what you so hope for, guess what, you're going to think that's "crap" too and let your chance blow right on by!

There is reason in her mind to say what she is saying. You need to just listen to what she says and try and understand why and if you can't just go along with it and figure it out later. That is validating.

That said and in conjunction with your first reply, don't make this a 24/7 endeavor and rush it. Devote some 'R & R' time to get your mind off things for a bit. Even if you figure all problems out and make those corrections in a week (which is impossible anyway), guess what? It will mean nothing until she is ready. So if you're hunter than you've also got a be a hands on do-it-yourselfer as well and know the motto, if you're going to something, do it right the first time.

WHOA! Let me be more clear. I didn't mean it the way you took it. Whatever she vents at me, I validate it. I understand that she feels that way, and I understand that she feels justified in what she says. I listen to whatever she says, most of it painful to hear, with the attitude that those are her feelings and thoughts right now, and I understand that. I even tell her, "I understand that you feel that way."

Maybe it was a poor choice of words on my part. I meant that I was hearing some really hurtful and hateful stuff from her for a while now, and I just listen to her and validate it. Period. It hurts to hear this stuff coming from her that is directed at me, but I'm 'taking it on the chin' because that's what I need to do right now. I'm not going to 'get into it' with her at all. And I also realize that I spewed forth a lot of hateful and hurtful stuff directed at her over the years.

I Know that PATIENCE is paramount.

[dday101798]

Okay, I just interperated "crap" as you were there, she was talking and all you heard was "blah,blah'blah [yes dear I see your lips moving but not hear what you're saying].

Good, your clarification shows hope. i got on your original statement because that was a mistake I made, i wasn't listening, I wasn't validating and drove her to upgrade the EA with OM to a PA.

That said, continue as you are. It sounds as if you two can at least communicate effectively. How often do you? Who initiates it and how?

[antlers]

Okay, I just interperated "crap" as you were there, she was talking and all you heard was "blah,blah'blah [yes dear I see your lips moving but not hear what you're saying].

Good, your clarification shows hope. i got on your original statement because that was a mistake I made, i wasn't listening, I wasn't validating and drove her to upgrade the EA with OM to a PA.

That said, continue as you are. It sounds as if you two can at least communicate effectively. How often do you? Who initiates it and how?

Not much communication at all right now. She initiates it, and it's always cursing and anger and rage directed at me regardless of the issue at hand. The only time we talk is when she calls to do this.

[dday101798]

Gotcha.

Well, from the sounds of it, she's entitled to curse you out a bit. Like you say "take it on the chin", listen and don't throw your 2 cents back.

She's not making these calls when drinkning or anything right?

[antlers]

Gotcha.

Well, from the sounds of it, she's entitled to curse you out a bit. Like you say "take it on the chin", listen and don't throw your 2 cents back.

She's not making these calls when drinkning or anything right?

Nope. She's just incredibly pissed and hurt. She has reason to be. I know that. I want to do things right; God knows I made nothing but mistakes when this separation first came about. She is like a different person when dealing with me! She told me recently that she doesn't care about me at all anymore. That hurts. I remind myself that I've said plenty of hurtful things to her in the past...things I didn't mean. I was just pissed and hurt. That doesn't justify my behavior though. I was plain wrong.

[dday101798]

Okay, maybe you're taking a little too much on the chin, but she's giving back the fair amount you dished out.

Although ask yourself this, if she really didn't care about you anymore at all, why bother calling?

Of course she's a different person when dealing with you, she's now the person you made so "pissed and hurt' enough to leave you.

[antlers]

Okay, maybe you're taking a little too much on the chin, but she's giving back the fair amount you dished out.

Although ask yourself this, if she really didn't care about you anymore at all, why bother calling?

Of course she's a different person when dealing with you, she's now the person you made so "pissed and hurt' enough to leave you.

Yep.

There sure is a lot of emotion there for someone who doesn't "care anymore".

This I know. And that's a hard thing to know! I messed up bad.

[antlers]

I didn't think there would ever come a time with us that she would ever leave. She did. I do wish that she would have, at some point, said to me that she was unhappy to the point that if things didn't improve that she would be leaving. That never happened. I was caught totally off guard when this came about (her saying that she was leaving). I made many mistakes, bad decisions, and behaved badly during the past. I was flat-out wrong. But, I wish that I had a clue that she was unhappy to the point of leaving 'before' she actually left. I own what I did in our past. It's a hard lesson to learn. But I am learning from my mistakes and bad decisions of the past. I just hope that I don't have to pay for them from now on by loosing forever my wife.

[dday101798]

I would assume your post is out of desparenty from continued lack of communication?

Like I keep saying, no doubt she did try to tell you , you just weren't listening. How long would you say your behaviour carried out?

[antlers]

I never knew things were as bad as they were. I never knew I was doing as much damage as I was. But we NEVER had a discussion about things being so bad that it warranted one of us actually leaving! I wish we had!
That said, I own what I did to cause the problems that I was responsible for in our marriage.
I think it's typical for a LBS to be caught completely off guard when told that their spouse is leaving them. I was!