I'm curious as to how much -- if any -- you all would change your advice here if the marriage were effectively dead, by mutual consent. In other words, two parties agree that it's not working, they've tried everything they can do, and they agree to either separate or divorce, but it' takes awhile in their state. One spouse wants to date -- probably while the two spouses still even live in the same house, but with some "rules" -- while the other says "we're still married; you can wait a few months."
I have a friend in this exact same situation.
Some additional details, from an e-mail just this morning:
She would never characterize it this way, but it's become apparent to me that she doesn't really want a divorce (she's said so, and shown as much), or even a "separation" in the normal sense of the word (her having to fend for herself, logistically and emotionally, on a day-to-day basis).
It could be just me, but I'm not sure I'm seeing these as being the same situation at all. In the first case, it seems that there is a timeline, in X months we will be divorced/legally separated. In the second case, it seems that the expectation is that the marriage won't be ending any time soon, and that there isn't any plan to do so.
I'm not big on the idea of dating while the marriage is still in place. But, I could see possibly being persuaded that it was not totally out of line if the spouses were no longer supporting each other financially and emotionally. Clearly not the case in the case from the letter.
Of course, as has already been pointed out, trying to control the other spouse is a losing proposition. So it seems to me that the only course is to set the boundary, and enforce it. Meaning that the letter writer says something along the lines of, "I can't tell you what to do, but I will not live in this situation if you ..... In order to maintain my integrity, I will have to ....."
Like I said, in a case where it is really "just" time until the divorce occurs, but the spouses are not supporting each other (and I could even picture this in the same house, I think) I might think differently.
