I woke up today and for a sec, thought this was just some bad dream that I just woke up from.
I had my last IC session last night, partly cause its kinda far now since I am at my parents house right now, and cause I'm trying to save money since I'm still looking for a new job. And somewhat cause I kinda got this feeling that the IC wasn't right for me.
Like last night, I was talking about how I had to move out to not see the W, and how I was trying to go dark and how it may trigger her to miss me or something. And the counselor kept telling me that won't happen and she thought it was a mistake to move out and go dark cause I'm giving my W exactly what she probably wants right now. Way to add more confusion to my already confused mind.
One thing we did talk about that made me think is that we got on the subject of how my W said she tried to get me to work on our M together but I didnt respond. And I always believed that I didnt' know. But the C asked if it was that I really didnt' know or I didnt' want to know. And then yesterday, I did find an old email where my wife asked me to take this relationship test. I do remember that one cause I was too busy and put it off and forgot about it. Of course she was mad that I didnt' do it. So it got me to thinking that maybe my W was right...maybe I didnt' respond cause sometimes I didn't want to hear it. And I kept thinking about why I wouldnt' want to hear something like that.
I think I was really afraid. I was afraid of what we would uncover and was afraid that it would lead to something that couldnt' be fixed, and maybe if I just gave it time, it would fix itself. I think I'm afraid of failure. And I didn't want to feel like I failed at this M.
For some reason, my whirlwind of emotions today is focused on me. Today, I'm suddenly feeling like maybe my W was right in all the things she complained about, and maybe I did mess this M up and I deserve this.
Just when I thought I already went through every emotion and scenario already, my mind finds a new one to try out. I guess if there is truth to what I feel now, there is something for me to learn from this.
But is this something that I should talk about if my W wanted to talk about our R, as part of validating what she felt? Or is it better just left for myself cause it won't help anymore, or can hurt the situation more?
