Episode IV: A New Hope (?)

[dday101798]

Hi Lucas, thanks for visiting my little world. Hope your situation pans out for the best.

That said, update:

Didn't hear from kids since Wednesday night "visit", when I saw them this Saturday they said she wouldn't let them use her phone, ugh.

Anyway, Saturday morning went to the mandated parenting class on how to help your children cope with the stress caused by divorce and what to do and not do. Man oh man, when she goes to hers next week, if she's upset now, she really going to be upset come next Saturday and i fully expect her to be calling me and balling her head off uncontrollably. Why? Because every thing thrughout the class that was covered, technique and approach, I have done spot on for my kids. And the final moral of the t whole calss is exactly what I 've told her ever since day one when she left and EVERY time she bluffs thinking of reconcilling and I say "I wish you would" followed by "our relationship may be over, but you need to remember, this is the rest of THEIR LIVES that will forever be affected by this". Quoted to a T in class.

Also, one of the videos they show will also shed light to her on what it is like to grow up with divorced/seperated parents as I did, so that will be a two-fold reality check.

And lastly, if she is indeed blind to the emotional strain she has put our children under by lving with OM right off the bat, right in front of them as I begged her not to, that is going to tear her to shreds when it hits home and she comes to understand why I am fighting for custody of them.

i can't wait to see/hear about her experience with it.

Anyways, I am goin gto try and keep this short, but she left for her brother's house apparently in the middle of the night Friday and didn't even tell the kids she was going. Left them in the care of her alcoholic uncle, real nice, but responds to a text that I can pick them up at the police station at 1:30 as "agreed" earlier in the week, I never agreed, I didn't trust it.

So I went to the PD and went over everything and they said it's fine as long we agree to it. So I took them, went skateboarding again, they had fun. Got em a couple new outfits (that blew her away). We were pressed on time, so I took up her offer to keep them until 9 instead of 7. So, we're playing football in the PD parking lot at 8:50 waiting for her to get them, and S10 who's been working on his passing form, threw a perfect tight pass at point blank range, right in to my nose and broke it. He was so amazed, he was expecting me to be screaming at him, which I didn't. LOL, the first thing I said after clearing the birds from my head was "nice form on that one".

Anyway, we continue pass around for a bit and I check the time and it's 9:10, so I call her and leave a message wondering what was going on. She called back a few minutes alter and said she overslept, yeah, ok what ever, get off OM, put your clothes on and let's go. She couldn't even look me in the face when she picked them up. Oh, and s10's latest assignment in his worst class is missing no thanks to her, she has managed to screw up every one of that poor kids projects all year long so far. He voluntarily worked on it at my house on Saturday to get it done. But now all his research is lost so I had to give her his library card and we were all of 2 feet apart and she couldn't look at me?

Oh, then yesterday S12 calls me on his phone a couple time during the day. The final time, they were left in the house unattended while STBX & OM went to get coffee. Nice, see you in court honey.

My transforation this past few weeks finally makes sense and mostly came to a realization in the parenting class. I accept it now, I've gone through my phases in various order and now I accept. I love the woman and I always will. I forgive her for what she's done as she's not solely at fault. I accept I can not change her nor can anyone else. She will answer the prosecution of her own conscience when that day comes.

On a last note, got s10 a HUGE suprise "present". In passing our time at our house last summer when she left, I started to teach him to cook/grill. When I moved, I left my propane grill, but cousin has a charcoal one so I settled to just use that. s10 refuses to cook on saying he's scared. So, yesterday, found a hell of deal on a nice stainless steel grill and snagged it up for him. Can't wait to see the look on his face. And no, i'm not trying to "buy his love" or anything, I already have that without any monetary influence, she's the one that' been wowing them by showering them with random gifts and constantly eating out or something.

[dday101798]

Hmmm,

interesting. I've spent the bulk of this morning reflecting and reading back on just this thread alone and even tho I'm only 5 pages in to it, I came to a realization. I feel as I do now because I forgot one key event in the past few months. Moving out of the house. I had said to her "the moment I walk out that door, there's no going back". And I think that's where I'm finally at, closure.

I think I can safely say now, the one thing that hasn't been said to me, good-bye Tracy, I love you, but I'm not in love with you.

That just puts everything at ease now. Looking back at all the times I let her bait me in with a feeling of hope for a chance, hence the title of this thread, and all those times it was just to be a safety net.

The net is gone, I dropped it at some point, you are forever in control of your own destiny now. I will be there as your friend, no more, no less. Shame, for the sake of our children it coudn't be different, but, would it have been for the better or for the worse in the long run?

I said my peace, and I've taken my faults in accountiblity for our failure. I hope someday as you have before, you acknowledge yours, but this time, take them to heart and know that I tried.

[dday101798]

Heh, day is only a few hours old and interesting already. For starters:

Mine:
Gemini(5/21-6/21) "Calls for a radical action are balanced against a strong need to make sure the course you take is going to produce substantial results".

When driving in this morning, everything from yesterday started sinking in. I had called last night to talk to my boys. When she answered STBX sounded rather depressed and withdrawn and was not making the most nutritional of meals. At any rate Ikept conversation short and sweet with her and did not get back on the phone with her after OM erked me by constantly disturbing the boys while I tried to talk with them.

Anyway, while dirivng I came up with a settlement pitch I think I will submit today that may end all this: Joint custody with myself as custodial parent, she get's extensive visitation rights and does not have to pay me support and I will keep her on my health benefits for 1 year or her re-marriage, which ever comes first. We would also negotaite them living with her (MINUS OM) for the remainder of the school year (so June) and I will provide assisting income to be determined for the duration of that time.

Hers:
Virgo(8/23-9/22) "Continue to state your position firmly. Once the adversary fully understands, you'll have solved the problem"

Kind of speaks for it'self. Additionally she texted me this morning, first time in weeks, saying I could have the boys on Easter if i'd like for family as she has nothing planned. I simply replied, I'm doing dinner on Saturday and the boys know this and left it at that.

I'd like to try and call earlier tonight before OM gets there. When he's not there her and I have civil conversations, but after yesterday epiphany, that might not be an issue anymore, but none the less it would be nice to talk to her without the distraction.

[dday101798]

Did as I hoped and called earlier last night. At first i thought she wouldn't answer, but she did right before the voice mail picked up. Still somber sounding. Didn't ask/comment about the settlement offer. We just basically shot the breeze for a few minutes waiting for S12 to get home and get on the phone. I thanked her again for the offer on Easter but that I was doing dinner on Saturday, went through my itinerary and she became even more somber.

Then she said "it's fine anyway because we have to go to church on Sunday for the Easter festival". Well, me being the one who wanted us to start going to church regularly when things started to fall apart reminded her that it was last Sunday, always a week before and the boys knew this too, then she got even more somber and asked to call back in a few minutes.

When the boys called me a few minutes later it came to my attention OM was there already. And, each one of my boys continually asked "do you watn to talk to Mom?" which in my experience means 'Mom wants to talk to you'. However in keepin gin with my new found streingth I knew talking to her would only lead to another attempt of her to try and break me down or something and declined and simply said, no, I can talk to mom anytime, I called to talk to you.

I know they (STBX & OM) are not getting along and that's not my problem. Nor is it my problem that creates an issue for any holiday plans they may have had. I'm awaiting to see if she has the brass to ask to come to my family dinner, I highly doubt it, but after the New Year's event that she still proclaims she wanted to be with me and was not a gimmick to keep in the house, I'm keepin gopen mind to a polite response in telling her that wouldn't be a good idea.

Anyhow, seeing the boys tonight, bowling as usual, this time on a TIGHT budget, so tight I can buy them dinner, but looks like I'm not eating eh well, it all about them.

Few odd things involving S12 - due to his set-backs from abuse as a baby by STBX's X, he's not the greatest speller yet. When he does send me text messages, he uses erratic spacing and mis-spells. Last night, I get a text around 10pm (when they should be in bed), "Dad what are you doing" perfectly spelled and spaced and punctuated, so i know it wasn't him. He's also particular about his brother using his phone so I'm sure that's not the case or he would have put his name afterward. Wonder what that was about? Also, S12 asked "can we give Mom a ride home again?" after I declined to speak with her.

The strangeness continues.

[dday101798]

Whew!, Finally made it reading throught the entire thread, what a ride just this episode has been.

I would be interested to re-read the 3 that proceed it just to remember how far things have come, but not to revisit the pain and anguish of learning the hard way.

Also in re-reading there were a few folks that popped in out the blue and offered their support, to which I extend my thanks. For anyone else who's been following along and not posted, I hope the posting of my situation and how it's evoloved to this point (as unfortunate as it may be ) helps you along in yours, for better or just to get through.

I should start a thread (and probably my last) in "divorced but not done" or something. Just don't feel like starting a new one though.

OH! LD (lonelyD) where the heck are you brother? it is my assumption that you hit a point where you don't want to deal with it right now? I understand, I took several breaks from posting as well. Tried to send you a PM but received a message I had to be an administrator to do so? :screwy:

[dday101798]

wouldn't you know, when you overcome one thing you're tackled with another.

No sooner then I come to terms and not let her get to me anymore about the D and especially A/OM, i get put to the test with another and more sensitive, the kids.

Seems OM thinks he's "dad" now, tells MY kids to call him so. also, kids have told me previously that he yells at them in attempt to discipline them which upsets them. Every time i told L of this, he said just journalize until it becomes something more. Well, last night, S10 tell me of a physical altercation with OM in which S10 kicked OM in the face (that's my boy ) when OM tried to ground him.

Dropping them off was so hard. I sooooo wanted to go and jack that ugly s.o.b. in the face repeatedly until I felt better. Enter my change, previously, I would have and not realized it was wrong until it was all said and done. But last night, as hard as it was, i listened to myself and stayed out of STBX and OM's line of sight behind my truck. Wheeew, [pats self on back] that was rough.

As i drove off, it became apparent as ever that STBX had some role in making sure S12 called OM "dad" as the boys indicated at dinner. I'm more than certain she expected me to blow up at that since I don't bother argueing with her anymore about our M and her A and she's running out of ammo for court, and knows her A is going to be her demise, i can't wait until she tells the judge "it's not like that" as she has said to me a hundred times over. The look on her face said it all.

I also in anticipation of call or text after she asked boys what my deal was and they told her, shut my phone off briefly before anything could transpire.

I am quite proud myself, hell I think I'll buy myself a beer tonight :lol:

Instead of blowing up, I did the right and alerted my L and will let him handle, and if he doesn't he's fired, looks like her reign of "temporary" custody is coming to a close as options are OM leaves "their residence" or they do.

[dday101798]

hmmm,first day that S12 hasn't called my phone like 20 times in row until i pick up when he got out of school (wonder who he learned that from? )

Probably ran out of minutes already. Even if STBX told him not to call me, he would anyway. He is becoming quite defiant with her, concerning, I tell him to be respectful and courtieous to his mother, but he continues to get shorter and shorter with her.

interuption to check e-mail....................

Attorney just responded me, apparently he missed all the times I told him OM is her "fiance" and wants to have a field day with that, agrees that instructing the boys to call him dad is inappropriate and the physical altercation, HUGE no-no(ya think) and we're going for emergency custody and a new round of order of protections this time on OM.

I need a beer, night all.

[dday101798]

ugh,

Called to talk to boys last night after not hearing a word from them. Got STBX's voice mail, just left a message that I'd like to talk to them.

Moments later s10 calls, still trying to figure out his suprise, he won't let up.

Then there is all this yelling and screaming in background the whole time. I ask him what in the world is going on, he says S12 is being "in one of his moods".

I constantly hear STBX and OM yelling at him to stop touching the eggs and re-arranging them. Hello! he's a special needs child, he fidgets with things when he's excited! Their eggs not fine china!!!

I ask S10 several times to put him on the phone, but apparently S12 just didn't want to talk to anyone. Finally after enough screaming I tell S10 to put mom on the phone. She gets on, attitude central and I simply ask why are you yelling at him so much and especially why is OM yelling at him, she says she's not going to "waste her time argueing" about how things are dealt with in her house. I say fine, goodnight and hang up.

She is going to to be the victim of her own creation. It is my sincere hope that she attend her parenting session tommorow SOBER and with a clear mind so that she may see first hand the poisinous enviornment our children are living in there. And most certanly she'll understand it that I have no choice but to forcefuly remove them from that enviornment.

They are being so hostile to one another those boys. Sure, they are siblings of close age and I fully understand some rivalry, but this is getting out of hand and they can only be learning it from the surroundings they live in.

Sad, truely sad.

[dday101798]

"Gemini(5/21-6/21) In the next few weeks, you should see a goal you'd realy like to achieve. You can qualify. Get your paperwork together and apply."

Another response from attorney today. My attorney talked with her attorney's firm, seems her exact attorney isn't wont' even take the time to return calls on behalf of her "client" anymore.

Anyhow, looking like a slam dunk, next court date was only supposed to be a status hearing, now it's going to be an everything changes starting now hearing. Sure would be nice if she'd just give it up. And my CPA says my taxes should be returned shortly with no problem and she's in big doo-doo in that respect.

[dday101798]

Decent holiday weekend overall. Ended up picking up my sisters before getting the kids on Saturday morning (STBX was at her brother's house once again so a friend of hers dropped thme off). Easter dinner on Saturday ran with out a single hiccup and for the first time in many, many years, dinner was on time.

Kids, mine and my neices had a fun time with the egg hunt I came up with, even my older sister said she was going to adopt it into her esater plans the following day. Kind of gave me a uplift, never really "planned" the activites, STBX always did while I either cooked or cleaned be hind the scenes. This time, I ran the whole show an it was a success.

Shortly before leaving to boys back I lightly asked S10 about the altercation he had with OM to make sure i had the story straight. He must have said something as his story all though consistent with the original claim, now makes lighter image of the situation. He's still upset that OM tries to "ground" him, but the incodent he previously decribed was a "accident".

Eh well, they've been coached, to be expected.

Here's the messed up part, STBX and OM shoewed up to get the boys, early and me boys and my younger sisters were playing catch in the parking lot. STBX upon getting out of car, damn near gave me a heartattack when she starts showering my sisters with politeness. WTF is that? All cheery, "HI! HOW ARE YOU!! NICE TO SEE YOU!!!.

We all saw though it as an act. I said not much of anything to her at all. Never really made eye contact once again.

So, sisters and I spent the rest of the night at a hockey game, was fun. Al though during the first period break they held a wedding on the ice. I had to leave for that.

Otherwise, finished up the new grill yesterday and started on some yard work to bring some life back to my cousin's house.

What i dont' understand is I thought she had her parenting session on Saturday. heh, maybe she forgot and blew it off.