Stress, WAW and life in general II

[AJM]

JOURNAL UPDATE:

Yesterday was an interesting day. WAS was trying very hard to control things with me. I let her. I'm to tired to do much else.

She started txting me late in the day. Asking me about my day etc. I asked back if she'd gotten her burger (her friends were going to get her one for her b-day). I also told her about work and how I had an upcoming meeting about my hours. They're cutting them back and meetings like that are reminiscent of other jobs that didn't end well due to cut-backs. Similarities. She freaked a bit I think telling me not to lose my job etc.

I told her it was fine. I went to the meeting and she started txting me again to figure out if I still had a job. Wouldn't talk about her stuff until I answered that question.

We went to dinner last night as a family. It was good. Ate WAY too much. Still not hungry this morning.

We exchanged presents last night. She got me a thoughtful gift and a card which surprised me. In the card she tells me that she knows that it's tough right now and really complete hell but that she hopes I have a great birthday. My present was a gift card to a place that does cooking classes. I like to cook as a hobby. Bake mostly. I haven't had much interest in recent months in my hobbies but starting to get back to it. Thought it was very nice as it also indicates she listened when we talked of future plans for me.

On the other hand, I haven't spoken to her any more about her leaving. I need to wait until she's done with her boards and finals I think. I'm tempted to just throw it all in her face right now, but that's just me being resentful and angry. I don't have room in my life for resentment. I'm tired of being angry and resentful.

I'm tired in general. Emotionally I'm drained and have very little range any more. But I sense now is not the time to walk away. I still need her to be the one to walk away if that's going to happen. I'll still see if the separation is something I can do if she brings it up again, but I'm not sure how to get past the idea of dating somebody who doesn't want to be with you. That's a weird concept to me and one I can't internalize yet. Just the same, I realize that in the scheme of things I have been married for almost 18 years. This is a short time in that perspective. I'm not ready to throw in the towel although I am gasping for air.

My main concern is the kids. They don't deserve to see their parents separated. It may not be my choice, but I may have to get them to stay with WAS full time to prevent confusion. That breaks my heart, but it would be worse to split them like a rag doll I think.

My MC and pastor suggest that I get her to write it down so I don't have to guess at what she's thinking. Go figure.


AJ