Well another one got locked - we're at a point where she is moving out in 1 week.
Long conversation last nite She started with custody. She agreed to Thur, Fri and Sat for me. She would then have Sun, Mon and Tues. We would alternate Weds. She would pick up when they woke up on Sun. I told her I would sleep on it but it seemed reasonable. I wouldn't really have a Fri or Sat nite out, but that's not my priority right now. I can always change that if that's what I want.
Ironically I was going to agree to alternating weekly starting Sun, with twice a week visitation. I've got to decide what is better
She also talked about how she felt it would be better if we were flexible and worked together in the context of the parenting agreement. I told her it made sense
Also, I got her to agree to support of $1200/month. I feel a little bad about that but I need to start protecting myself at some point. I just have to get her to sign it before she talks to her lawyer.
She then started talking about all the stuff that she needs to do in order to get to her apt next weekend. I told her this is not what I want but it is something that she wants. I do love her enough to not stand in her way but it hurts me to see her leave. If she wants/needs me to help, I will because I do love her even though it will be very painful for me to help. She asked me to help her take apart a bookcase/wall unit I said she could take and help split the kids toys. In my mind it seemed like I got off easy but I made her feel like I struggled to agree
I did tell her that I will likely take down our larger wedding pictures after she leaves. Not because my feelings have changed but because it would be too hurtful to look at them everyday. She offered to take them. I said I would put it in her craftroom and shut the door. I did say I would leave up a few of our smaller pictures though. She said she still has pictures of me up in her cube at work.
I then reminded her about considering pausing any divorce stuff until she healed and was sure there was no "Happily ever after" for us. She said right now she doesn't see a possible happily ever after with me, but she said she would consider it. I did tell her that I'm really not sure what "Happily ever after" looks like either as that is something that we would have to talk about and agree as it needs to be a shared vision. Right now I just have half the picture and when she is ready, I would love to hear hers.
We then talked about how frustrated she was about how the counseling was just focused on the past. She seemed it just kept reopening the old wounds/hurt. I agreed, acknowledged and validated. I asked if she would be more comfortable talking about what we could be doing differently. She said she wasn't ready to talk about future type stuff but would prefer to talk about the present. I said I would talk to our counselor next week and let her know
She then said that she would like to help me plan and setup the kids B'day party. I said I would appreciate that.
I then told her that I would like her to think about making time for us. While I will be respecting her space while she is healing, I don't want her to think that because I an not calling and asking, that my feelings have changed. She did say that if there was something going on that I would like to invite her to that the boys and us can go to, she said I should feel free to invite her. She said not pressure or guilt her into, but invite. I said I would. She said she would need to think about making time for just the 2 of us.
I then told her I do not feel that the seperation does not mean the end of the marriage and I will be behaving as such. If it does wind up with a divorce, I will then move on and change my behavior. She agreed, although caveated that does think the marriage is over, she says she will act and behave like she is married until the divorce is final. She was worried that she thought I would become a jerk to her if we are divorced. I told her that I will be treat her with respect as I can not look at my boys if I am not treating their mother fairly. She seemed ok with that
One other thing she talked about is that she is still hurt and angry. She feels like she can't trust me to be vulnerable and love again. She said its like having a really good friend do something unthinkable to you. Can you be trust that person to be friends again?
I said it had happened to me before and I was able to be friends again
I asked if she had
She said it happened to her but the friendship wasn't the same afterwards. Oh oh I thought. This is going to be a long road back.
Overall, hard conversation. I feel comfortable with what we've come to agreement though. I'm not happy as I still don't agree with the seperation. She seemed satisfied though.
So its pretty firmed up, she will be starting in her apartment next weekend
The journey continues down the dark path....
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
