A recent thread over on the Infidelity forum ("Wife Wants Permission to Have an Affair") prompted this question, which I thought might be better posted here:
I'm curious as to how much -- if any -- you all would change your advice here if the marriage were effectively dead, by mutual consent. In other words, two parties agree that it's not working, they've tried everything they can do, and they agree to either separate or divorce, but it' takes awhile in their state. One spouse wants to date -- probably while the two spouses still even live in the same house, but with some "rules" -- while the other says "we're still married; you can wait a few months."
I have a friend in this exact same situation.
Some additional details, from an e-mail just this morning:
OK, after a long talk with my wife last nite, some things in her foggy mind are becoming clear to at least ME right now.
She would never characterize it this way, but it's become apparent to me that she doesn't really want a divorce (she's said so, and shown as much), or even a "separation" in the normal sense of the word (her having to fend for herself, logistically and emotionally, on a day-to-day basis).
No, what she seems to really want is my permission for her to have another AFFAIR, or some sort of "open marriage."
In her dreamworld, she would love for:
- me to continue to support her financially;
- me to have my own place (not here), BUT, me to come over here in the evenings and cook dinner for the boys and clean up, and help S10 with his homework, then get the hell out and go back to my own place so she can have her "space";
- her to not have to work full-time, or even take on any more hours (says it's "impossible");
- her to be free (and have my blessing) to "begin the rest of her life" by dating other men.
It's great work, if you can get it. :o)
Mind you, most of the above she obviously never SAID it that way, but now that I'm sober (the wine was flowing pretty good last nite as we were talking, and I just let her go), it's crystal-clear to me.
She apparently has become friends with a girl named ______ at the office. She's very recently separated, and (wait for it ....) she cheated on her husband (but OF COURSE "that's not the cause of their marriage coming apart" -- typical infidelity SCRIPT). She is supposedly going out for drinks with this girl either tonite or tomorrow night, and I smell a rat. Her appointment book is written as such that it looks like the entry originally said "Drinks w/ _______ & ????" and then the world "girls" was written underneath the "????"
Her cellphone is now locked, and she keeps it with her most of the time, just as she did back when she was having her affair. She's changed the username and password to the account, which I'm going to discuss with her today.
She's bought at least one new pair of black thong underwear.
Oh, and this guy _______ from the office, the resident "wolf"/avowed atheist, has a fully-furnished condo near here that he said we could use any time we want before the end of August, "no charge, of course" -- apparently he had gotten it as part of HIS divorce, and now neither he nor his wife use it. She let that one hang out in the air, but the hope was clearly that I would want to jump on that as a place for ME to crash (see "so she can have her space," above).
So add it up, and what I see is the usual "enabling girlfriend," recently separated, who has probably befriended my wife and they commiserate. And i think this girl has gone into "Oh, honey, we need to get you a DATE, so you can start gettin' on with the rest of your LIFE, girlfriend!" mode. In fact, I wouldn't be suprised if these drinks were for FOUR this weekend (I asked her who else was going, she said "I'm not sure yet ... she knows a lot of women...." and I said "Any guys going to be there?" and she said "______'s boyfriend," and then changed the subject. So THIS girl, altho still married and only recently separated, has a boyfriend, she's bringing him (why would you do this if you're just going to go out for "girl's night out"????), and I'm thinking a potential blind date set-up for (my wife)???
So the question is, Puppy, what do I DO about all this, (which of course is NOT the same dynamic as if we weren't actively figuring out the end of our marriage right now, but nor does it give her carte blanche to disrespect me), much of which is only speculation???
My instincts are to sit her down this weekend and have some sort of in-person talk version of the e-mail I almost sent her. That "I can see where this is going, (wife), and this is NOT going to happen this way again" talk (she had an affair two years ago). Option 2 is to sit her down similarly, but have it be more of "Look, I can't control what you do, but I do NOT approve of dating while we're still married, and I don't appreciate you not being able to wait a few months nor do I think it's appropriate parenting."
