Is the answer blowing in the wind?

[Trixi]

H said today at MC he really thinks we should just file and move on.

Counselor asked how that made me feel and I said angry, frustrated, but that I wasn't distraught. This isn't the first time he has said that and eventually he comes back. Not that I expect him to this time, it's just that he has said he is going before and so today's thing wasn't like some HUGE shock to me.

The difference is- I went on a date. That's right. I did. A guy I met at a meetup months ago is moving across the country and said he would have asked me out long ago if I had been in a different place. I said I would have said 'yes' if he would have asked and I was in a different place. So, we decided to go out this week while he is back in town packing for his big move. Initially, I said 'yes' to the date because I knew it would be "safe" since he is leaving town. No worries about things progressing too far or getting messy.

We held hands and kissed a little (very little) bit. The important thing (to me) is that I felt some butterflies. it gave me hope that somewhere out there is someone that I will like that will like me back.

Am I sad that my H doesn't want to try? Of course. But, at this point, I have done all I can. And more. I don't think it's right to D. BUT, as I said today in counseling- I have been released. I did not break the commitment. I have no more moral obigation to keep trying to resurrect a dead horse.

Thing of it is, even in counseling he said that there was a part of him that wanted to get back with me. And he turns to the counselor and says "I mean, look at her.She's a great woman. I love her."
Of course, there was a "but" to follow. "But I haven't been committed to her for so long; I just don't want to be married and try to make a long term thing of this."
He was careful to always add "right now in my life" "for now" "how I feel right now".

H came over after the appointment to pick up my (frozen) prairie dog so he can bury her at the the other house. I was mostly strong; only teared up a couple times. He hugged me a lot. Kissed my cheeks. He'll go to counseling on his own next week to see if they can figure out why he always comes back. He said that when he comes back he always feels safe, accepted, happy....and then he says "Wow. I know it sounds crazy for me to leave. I don't get it." Yeah. Me neither.

BUT, if I look at it realistically, there is no place for me in his life. He hurts me over and over with his self-absorbed actions.

Time to move on.