Still here......

[Belle]

Haven't updated my sitch lately....

I guess I just don't want to talk about it because I'm a little confused, frustrated, disheartened.

We went to church on Sunday, it was about divorce. In the program, there was a notes page, and it said, "Biblical reasons for divorce". So before the service started, I said "I know what these are" and I wrote them down. Adultery and abandonment by a nonbelieving spouse. I showed H and said "I have both." Evidently that didn't set with him right. He was offended. (Does the truth hurt?)

When the pastor was giving his sermon, he talked about other reasons for divorce - say your spouse had shown constant abuse that never lets up including verbal, physical, or constant lack of emotional and physical love. So of course H had write down "lack of emotional and physical love".

I got very emotional at this point and started crying a bit. Then of course H said he was sorry and felt bad. But that was his way of attacking in response to what I had attacked him about. Later I told him that I wasn't attacking him, I was just telling him what I already knew. So then he said "Basically you were boasting then." Which I had to agree, I guess I was. I guess I didn't have to tell him - he was going to hear it from the pastor.

After church we had lunch and then went to our meeting with the man from my church. That went fine, nothing exciting. H signed the "Promise plan" so when we left, of course I had to bring up one of the promises - no social interaction/outings with members of the opposite sex."

He said "I know what you're going to say."

And I said "Yes, you do. You can't be spending time with her and calling her at all if you want to figure this out."

Rather than tell the whole story, I'll just say that I'm not happy with the circumstances. Basically he told me he will still talk to her at class and sit by her sometimes. He's "not that kind of person". I said "Yes, I know, a confrontation is worse than saving your marriage".

He told me he was going to have a talk with her and he called me later that night to tell me that he had the talk. He says he told her that he can't talk to her outside of class and that he is committed to figuring out what he wants. He told her that he's not doing this for me, but for himself. (Don't know if that's good or bad, probably bad).

I know I can't believe anything he says and so the above may all be a lie.

I told him his word means nothing to me given what's happened in the past year.

I told him that when we get done with this program, if he wants to work on our marriage, then this talking to her at school is no longer going to be acceptable at all.

So the night after all this, he calls me to see if I want to catch some dinner. We did.

Then I begin to wonder - "Is he in need of female companionship at all times? Can't he eat dinner on his own?" (He was at Starbucks studying and wanted to grab a quick bite on a break)

So then I get to thinking "I don't want to be just there for him now that his other female companion is off limits." I was thinking about how I have said that no person can make you happy and you need to make yourself happy. I have wondered if I could be happy by myself for the rest of my life, and I do think that I could. That's not to say that I wouldn't have lonely days.

So I asked him this the next night (Could he be happy alone for the rest of his life?). The whole conversation was a mess and a big circle. I'm not sure it was the best thing to ask, but oh well.

So I haven't talked to him in 2 days (I know that's not long) and I don't really want to talk to him. I'm so fed up with his nonchalant attitude about his A.

He told me after our meeting "We hang out, but I never told her she was my girlfriend and have never given her any indication that she could call herself that"

Oh please!!!!!! ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!!!

I told him to stop living in denial. "As much as you don't want to believe the kind of person you've been, you need to admit it. (Unless of course, you don't mind being that kind of person)"

Oh no, of course he doesn't want to be that kind of person.

I told him to stop minimizing this situation!

All in all, things still are just not that great. I'm not expecting them to be, but it still sucks.

He doesn't seem to have much remorse other than "I know I'm in the wrong, I admit I am in the wrong".

That is not remorse.

So you see, I am glad he is going to go through this program with me, but my hopes are not that big!!!

I'm going away for the weekend to WI to visit the family, so I've got to go pack. But I just had to get that all out.......