I guess I just don't want to talk about it because I'm a little confused, frustrated, disheartened.
We went to church on Sunday, it was about divorce. In the program, there was a notes page, and it said, "Biblical reasons for divorce". So before the service started, I said "I know what these are" and I wrote them down. Adultery and abandonment by a nonbelieving spouse. I showed H and said "I have both." Evidently that didn't set with him right. He was offended. (Does the truth hurt?)
When the pastor was giving his sermon, he talked about other reasons for divorce - say your spouse had shown constant abuse that never lets up including verbal, physical, or constant lack of emotional and physical love. So of course H had write down "lack of emotional and physical love".
I got very emotional at this point and started crying a bit. Then of course H said he was sorry and felt bad. But that was his way of attacking in response to what I had attacked him about. Later I told him that I wasn't attacking him, I was just telling him what I already knew. So then he said "Basically you were boasting then." Which I had to agree, I guess I was. I guess I didn't have to tell him - he was going to hear it from the pastor.
After church we had lunch and then went to our meeting with the man from my church. That went fine, nothing exciting. H signed the "Promise plan" so when we left, of course I had to bring up one of the promises - no social interaction/outings with members of the opposite sex."
He said "I know what you're going to say."
And I said "Yes, you do. You can't be spending time with her and calling her at all if you want to figure this out."
Rather than tell the whole story, I'll just say that I'm not happy with the circumstances. Basically he told me he will still talk to her at class and sit by her sometimes. He's "not that kind of person". I said "Yes, I know, a confrontation is worse than saving your marriage".
He told me he was going to have a talk with her and he called me later that night to tell me that he had the talk. He says he told her that he can't talk to her outside of class and that he is committed to figuring out what he wants. He told her that he's not doing this for me, but for himself. (Don't know if that's good or bad, probably bad).
I know I can't believe anything he says and so the above may all be a lie.
I told him his word means nothing to me given what's happened in the past year.
I told him that when we get done with this program, if he wants to work on our marriage, then this talking to her at school is no longer going to be acceptable at all.
So the night after all this, he calls me to see if I want to catch some dinner. We did.
Then I begin to wonder - "Is he in need of female companionship at all times? Can't he eat dinner on his own?" (He was at Starbucks studying and wanted to grab a quick bite on a break)
So then I get to thinking "I don't want to be just there for him now that his other female companion is off limits." I was thinking about how I have said that no person can make you happy and you need to make yourself happy. I have wondered if I could be happy by myself for the rest of my life, and I do think that I could. That's not to say that I wouldn't have lonely days.
So I asked him this the next night (Could he be happy alone for the rest of his life?). The whole conversation was a mess and a big circle. I'm not sure it was the best thing to ask, but oh well.
So I haven't talked to him in 2 days (I know that's not long) and I don't really want to talk to him. I'm so fed up with his nonchalant attitude about his A.
He told me after our meeting "We hang out, but I never told her she was my girlfriend and have never given her any indication that she could call herself that"
Oh please!!!!!! ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!!!
I told him to stop living in denial. "As much as you don't want to believe the kind of person you've been, you need to admit it. (Unless of course, you don't mind being that kind of person)"
Oh no, of course he doesn't want to be that kind of person.
I told him to stop minimizing this situation!
All in all, things still are just not that great. I'm not expecting them to be, but it still sucks.
He doesn't seem to have much remorse other than "I know I'm in the wrong, I admit I am in the wrong".
That is not remorse.
So you see, I am glad he is going to go through this program with me, but my hopes are not that big!!!
I'm going away for the weekend to WI to visit the family, so I've got to go pack. But I just had to get that all out.......
Last edited by Belle; 04/10/0903:22 AM.
M:36 H:36 M 3 Y T 8 Y No kids Bomb 6/30/08 PA I filed 9/29/09 D final 1/22/2010
Hope you had a great weekend. I think your H agreeing to go through the program with you is huge. Let him take the lead now, stop trying to initiate R talks with him for awhile and definitely stop talking about the A. He will hear this as nagging and that's not what you want. Working on the M has to be HIS decision now - he already knows how you feel.
Also,
Quote:
"I know I'm in the wrong, I admit I am in the wrong".
That is not remorse.
It may not be full blown remorse like "My God what have I done, will you ever forgive me? I'm so sorry! But - it's a step to actually admit he's in the wrong.
Remember, this is going to be a slow, slow process and his brain is not functioning at full speed right now.
Hang in there!
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
H and I went through "Choosing Wisely" program. I don't think he thought much of it at all since he doesn't believe in the Bible and this program is Bibically based.
Getting him to finish off the "Choosing Wisely" program was an effort. He was very busy with school and didn't make it a priority. I told him that and of course that turned into a fight. During that fight I mentioned something about counseling and he whined "Oh, now I have to do that???" After the fact, of course, he said that was just a heat of the moment thing and he didn't really mean it. (yeah right)
So we went to our first counseling session and after 1.5 hours of talking to her, she recommended that H get counseling on his own. After she heard his life story and family history, (a train wreck), she said that he needs to figure himself out first before he works on a marriage.
That night he brought dinner over. I told him something I've been thinking about for about a month now - I want to see his cell phone bill. At first he laughed it off. But when I pursued, he basically said "I failed". When I asked about him being intimate with her again he said "once". (Yeah right again). They were working on a project together and it just happened - "I don't want to talk about it".
After that, I told him that I can't talk to him anymore and I won't stand for the disrespect.
I know I've said it once before. But right after that he then agreed to go to "Choosing Wisely" and gave me his word through the "Promise Plan" that he would only see her in school and not call her. I didn't do the Transparency Plan. But I got the info I need without a Transparency Plan.
When I told him that I don't want to talk to him anymore or see him, he said that he's going to get his sh1t together and he hopes this counselor can help him. He says the stupidest things like "Don't worry, this R is ending. It's definitely fading away". (With OW). "The thing that sucks is that she is in all my classes. I guess I don't have to talk to her. She'll eventually get the hint." !!!!!!! What is wrong with this man that he thinks he has to give hints??? Can't he just be a man and tell someone something directly rather than hinting???
He's all about not wanting to hurt anybody which doesn't make a bit of sense considering what he's done.
This is all like a bad nightmare. What in the %$#!@ is is going to take? I don't plan on staying separated forever. I don't want to be married to someone like this.
Lucky for me, I have God in my life and he has given me and continues to give me so much strength, joy and happiness in my life. It is crazy!!! I don't know how it can be but it is.
I'm thinking about filing, but it is so hard. I'm getting closer to being ready but I just don't want to make a decision I will regret. Of course, I think a bigger regret would be to stay with this lying, cheating man.
Going to pray about it.
Last edited by Belle; 07/11/0903:58 AM.
M:36 H:36 M 3 Y T 8 Y No kids Bomb 6/30/08 PA I filed 9/29/09 D final 1/22/2010
I ordered Divorce for Dummies. I think that's a start. I need to educate myself because I know nothing about divorce!!!!
That is my first step towards filing.
H called yesterday after a week to see if I wanted to have him mow the lawn (I didn't answer, he left a message). He has done it for me a handful of times this year so far and it's nice to have some help.
But I don't want him to use it as a method to talk to me or see me because I'm not having any of that.
I think I might just tell him "Thanks, but no thanks".
M:36 H:36 M 3 Y T 8 Y No kids Bomb 6/30/08 PA I filed 9/29/09 D final 1/22/2010
Belle, I'm probably the wrong one to ask, because I've waffled on this so many times over the past two years. I filed. She ended her affair. We put the D on a 3-month "stay" (hold) -- twice. Then I withdrew it. Then we went to a mediator and started working things up again (no repeat infidelity, just long-term SSM issues).
Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
However, I will say that at the time I originally filed -- July 2007 -- I was exceedingly sure, because she was in the middle of an affair, unrepentant, deceitful, and frankly not a fit mother. I think the infidelity makes it much easier to make that tough decision.
And I will post what's going on with my sitch soon.
But Puppy, I just want some advice from you for a friend. You always have AWESOME things to say and good advice.
It's not a marriage thing, just a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. My friend was dating this guy for 8 months and he was kind of noncommital but recently has told her there's no one else he wants to date and she's the only one. But she's had an awful feeling in her gut. A few things that happend here and there and then he canceled their weekend to go camping (this past weekend) - he told her that he had talked with his Dad, who he has an estranged relationship with, and they had decided to go camping. My friend could relate cause her relationship with her Dad is not that great. So anyways, we spied on him and of course he was with another woman.
She's going to dump his a$$ but she's going to talk to him, maybe tonight. I'm trying to help her on what to say, and need some good lines!!
Let me know if you have anything. She is going to run as fast as she can from this guy!
I bet you'll say it's not even worth her time to talk with him!!
M:36 H:36 M 3 Y T 8 Y No kids Bomb 6/30/08 PA I filed 9/29/09 D final 1/22/2010
It's a little tough to give good advice on so little info, but since these two aren't married (and I'm assuming no kids involved), I think she should tell him she needs to talk to him, and to request a meeting in a public place. When he arrives, she should look as gorgeous as possible, muster up all her courage (she should role-play this ahead of time), look him in the eye, and THANK HIM.
Tell him that "I just want to thank you, because I had been having a difficult time deciding on whether or not you were someone who I could spend a future with, and remain committed to. But now that you've lied to me about there being someone else -- and please, don't try to deny it, because we both know it's true -- it's made me realize that I don't want to remain in a relationship with someone who cares so little about me, and who shows such poor character. I wish you well, I really do, and thanks for some really fun times."
And then I think she should get up, and walk out, and go pitch black.
