Update: W has been hanging out with an old friend from high school. He helped her move.
D8 had her Spring program yesterday. I went, wasn't sure if W would remember. She did. Came and sat with me but didn't say anything. I said Hi and told her she looks nice. Kept up my PMA (finding it easier now). We actually were joking and having some laughs. Having zero expectations makes it easier for me to be myself around her. No more butterflies.
Took the kids to her apartment. Her friend was there hooking up her TV/DVD. She introduced us. I'll admit I had some thoughts creep in as to if anything is going on between them. Squashed it. Does me no good. Can't go on what if's. First time in over a month without the kids so I went out and had a few cold ones with a couple of my boys.
I get a text from her this afternoon telling me she's going to be out of town for the weekend. Why did she need to tell me this? She knows I wouldn't have known if she didn't tell me. Pretty open for someone accusing me of prying into her life. I simply reply "OK. Be safe."
I get home and my son tells me he was disappointed in the visit. Hour and a half after I left she put them to bed even though they didn't have school today. he said she hardly said anything to him the whole time they were there.
She says she wants to be a Mom but her actions don't reflect that right now. Is it because she's not emotionally capable?
I think that may be part of it. She is in her own little world and it's ALL about her. It's sad when the kids see it too.
It's almost like they lose the capability to focus on anyone but themselves. My wife use to pick the kids up on her way home from work, then pick up a sitter, so she could workout for an hour. By the time she was finished feeding the kids then working out it would be time to put the them to bed. This was during the weekday. It's sad, they don't even see it man. All a part of the madness, you sound like your really getting a good handle on this. That's great. Patience with no expectations.
I was talking to woman I work with yesterday. Her and I are fairly close. I don't remember what we were talking about but it ended up bringing up parts of my situation. The more I talked about my wife and our R the more my friend said OMG that sounds like what I went through. She gave me some insight as to what she felt and went through and what she is feeling now about her xh.
She married and had kids young. Her husband was clingy and smothering. After 15 years of marriage she said "I've had enough, I've always belonged to somebody" and started going out and partying because she "missed" that part of her life. She didn't give me specifics as far as her divorce but it sounds like she divorced her h fairly abruptly. She told me she was glad that my W only wants to separate at this point and hasn't mentioned divorce.
She said going out and partying all the time was fun at first and then the novelty wears off after awhile. After coming home to an empty home time after time she began to miss what she had. They did not reconcile. She said that her and her x still care and love each other but so much venom and bad things were said during their split that they couldn't get past that.
Today they are both remarried. She said she was angry for awhile because her husband had changed into what she had wanted and he married her x best friend. She wishes that she hadn't rushed into divorce. She said she truly loves the h she has now but she will never feel fully comfortable like she did with her xh.
Well I guess to say I'm not needing anything is a bit over the top but my other screen name represented someone who was weak and lost. I still need support and patience.
I feel like my wife keeps testing me. I've learned that I was very codependent. My happiness was always tied to whether my wife was happy or not. I bring this up because I was controlling as a result of my codependency. I always had to know where she was, with whom, and when she would be home. So I think test #1 was last Friday when she told me that she was going to be out of town for the weekend. I didn't ask for any info, just said "OK be safe".
I believe test #2 was yesterday. I dropped the kids off to her and asked if she was going to take them Friday. She said,"I don't know. I may have something going on Friday night." I said, "OK. Just let me know either way." She looked at me for a few seconds and said that she would take them.
I'm at a point now where I am very calm when I'm around her and I actually am starting to recognize the different behaviors now.
Test # 1 and Test # 2...doesn't matter if they were on her part or not they certainly were for you, as in you saw them as tests...
Learning that you were codependant...holy crap!! That takes some hard guts to realize that, most people don't, most people cannot realize that they are copedendant...not without someone else telling them...long count for the joke to sink in.
F-ing A man, well done.
Answer honestly please, how do you feel now compared to a month ago?
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
How do I feel now? I feel like a man in transition. I've been able to take this time and really truly be honest with myself. Realizing the codependency, realizing at times I treated my wife disrespectfully, treated her as though I was better than her instead of as an equal.
I say transition because I have realized my problems and now am in the process of fixing them.
Yesterday my MIL invited me and the kids over for dinner on Easter. She called my wife to invite her and she asked my MIL if I was going to be there. My MIL said "Well yeah it's a family function and he's family. Is that alright with you?"
My wife said, "Yeah but he's been pushing too hard." When my MIL told me that I was like WTF??? I have really distanced myself from her in the past 3 weeks. MIL thinks my wife is uncomfortable with her feelings and has to say something negative about me to keep the focus off of her.
My w is trying my patience this week. She is so self absorbed right now. She's not taking the kids Sat night because she's going to a party. The plan was for her to take them Friday night. She texted me this morning.
W: I forgot so and so's bday party is tomorrow night so I will take them Sun and Monday to make up for it. (MONDAY IS HER NORMAL DAY TO TAKE THEM!!!) Me: I already made plans for tomorrow night W: OK I'll take care of it Me: Call me
She called me a couple minutes later. W: What do you want? (Oh how many different ways I wanted to answer that one) Me: I need to know where I will be dropping the kids off tomorrow and picking them up on Saturday W: Well I talked to so and so and her party isn't until Sat. I thought for sure it was tomorrow. Me: So? W: So I can take the kids tomorrow. Me: So after all this we're back to plan A W: Yeah I guess so
It just seems like she keeps playing games or poking me to see how I'm going to react. I'm staying strong though, just needed to vent.
It is a full moon and people do act more crazy than normal...Whenver I worked in the pharmacy(I do clinical work now) you could tell when it was a full moon-so many customers would be in bad moods/grouchy or more demanding than usual...just kind of weird.
I hope despite you change (and unchange) of plans you are able to have a nice Easter weekend with your children.
What was your screen name before?
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
Thanks for stopping by K. My old screen name was needhelpinmi.
Easter will be fine. We will see her at her Mom's house. I told my MIL to keep an eye out for our "dance". When we're together lately my wife tends to follow me from room to room. Quite funny actually.
