Quote:

LL,

I realize this is a forum with R or M, so I am glad you did not take offense of my questions, as I have more to badger about your feelings and communications with all of your immediate family members, not just with your H...

<blockquote><font class="small">Quoting lostlove:</font><hr>dad had cheated on mom...mom threw him out and eventually took him back (she got tired of being alone with three kids) <hr /></blockquote>
I am sorry about that experience you had about your Dad. How do you FEEL about his decisions and actions? told him rather bluntly...dad I think you're a jerk for doing what you did, but you are my dad and I'll always love you. I still argue with him about it as he tries to give his foolish justifications...a whole bunch of bla bla bla the same stuff we have all heared from was's nothing very original. Anger, devastation, fear, or anything else? Did you talk about these FEELINGS with your mom? sure..and she expresses her feelings as well... How does she FEEL? she had had enough of my dad's crap..she does miss the "life" they had together..the functions, the people, the places, the vacations, the boat etc. but has her own life now...though it's not what she wanted she is ok with it most days. Can you and your mom openly talk about this terrible experience, or you feel that it is a taboo that you are compelled to protect her from getting in touch with this past history? nothing is taboo in my world. I think that's what intimidates some people when they first meet me.

On the same token, did you share your feelings, in a calm and non-judgmental way, with your dad? Can you talk about this at all with the idea to understand more about the circumstances involved? Can you tell me, in an objective understanding, what kind of person (not the sense of good or bad, but what kind of personality) he is, what his feelings were when he had those cheating actions, what his thought process were, his achievements in his life besides R, and how he feels now towards his decisions over the years? he has had many excuses and explenations as to why and how it happend...I don't know what to believe of him. what kind of person is/was he??? one who knows many and has many to call on when he needs something but not one to call on as he has his own agenda..one who is happy to eat a steak and a can of beans and live alone free to do as he pleases but also enjoys the company of others...he does admit that he misses a lot of things and that he would probably be better off both physically and financially had he stayed with my mom, but never hesitates to add that he never wanted a d..but also admits that he wasn't planning on giving up ow or other ow's...he doesn't even live with the ow that split the family..and yes he cheats on her too...his reply "what diff does that make..would you be happier if I lived with her etc." well sure dad it would make a hell of a lot more sense. but anyway...that's their life..does it effect me?? of course it does..but there's little I can do to change it.
<blockquote><font class="small">Quoting lostlove:</font><hr> as far as my personal goals...well I know that I can't fully envelope myself in anything for a few years (when dd starts school) but I do have some things in mind... <hr /></blockquote>
Well, LL, how do you FEEL about this choice? I know you are a dedicated mom and taking care of the kids and your home is a gratifying experience to you. But do you feel comfortable with where you are so far with regards to your plan, or you feel you are imposed with the obligations that inevitably distract you from where you want to be personally? After all, do you feel satisfied to define the life of LL by taking care of family and kids? certainly NOT. perhaps if I had a better r with h and felt more together I would be more content with giving up "my life" for the short term but where I don't feel a quality r with h or as much of a family I grow at times to resent it. and then feel guilty for feeling that way. What are the plans, no matter preliminary or detailed, that you have to define LL's entire life in the future that you can share with us? I just finished and passed my emt course, so I will be volunteering with the towns ambulance co. once dd starts kidnergarten or 1st grade (2-3 years out) I would like to try to get a job within the school system..anything to get in the door and get to know people, heck I'll be the lunch lady to start...I'd like to use my degree and try to get involved in the school guidance or councelors office and eventually when the kids are grown enough that I can work year round I think I'd like to be a family therapist or councelor wich may take getting a masters degree but heck I can do that.

How about your mom? Where do you see her, by your OWN standard, in terms of having a successful and balanced life between her career and the kids? she always had her own life...I feel like I got jipped, I know she tried but she was lost in her own muck. Did you share your feelings about your own life plan, as I mentioned in the previous paragraph, with your mom? yup! have to...she worked to pay for half my college tuition so I like to keep her knowing that I do intend to do something with it. Did you feel you want to do more than she did after you earned your degree, but for some reason your mom’s choice seemed to have become your path? my path and my moms path are only similar in that we both married cheaters.

Again, please just take whatever you would feel comfortable or relevant to share with us, as these questions could very well be off base. I would just like to understand how you look at those issues with regards to who you are and how you feel comfortable with what you have from the prosective of yourself and your family members, not just your M...

Chuck