I have spent the last hour or so reading this entire post. I have been DBing for about a year and a half. My H never left or had and affair or anything. Just drifted away and became angry and distant. 6 months ago he discovered he had a hormone imbalance. Since he started the medication he has become a different person. Much less irritable, more loving at times and much more into sex. Unfortunately there are other problems that have surfaced with his renewed sexuality. We have had to work through some things that I would never have anticipated. What we are left with is a marriage where he sleeps on the couch because he has difficulty sleeping and can watch tv without waking me. I go to sleep early because I am tired after working and dealing with house and kids. We have moments of great sex but little else in terms of intimacy. Add to this the fact that I started a new job and he is trying to launch a business. He thinks things are better but I can't seem to stop feeling sad and lonely. We rarely have the several day fights we once had and we do have moments of laughter and talk. He is getting pretty tired of my moodiness. Does this make any sense to anyone? How do I get him to reconnect with me and start creating those rituals? Am I asking too much to soon? I am exhausted. Thanks for your help.
I have to agree on the subject of hugging: Poepad said:
Quote: Cathy. This seems to be recurring theme, this hugging is powerful stuff, how come nobody included in the marriage manual.
I read somewhere else, how a WAW would have been swayed, had her H hug her in her moment of indecision.
A hug IS powerful! My WAH is hugging me at times and that gives me hope. Because I know him well, I know that hug MEANS something! His punishment when we would fight was to withhold physical affection, so now he is initiating it, I am confused.
Just my 2 cents...take all the hugs you can get from these aliens! LOL ~~~Debi
Hi LL, Hugs definitely work! When H and I had the talk which meant he came back the way I knew he was ready was because he hugged me.
You definitely should run and greet him with the kids, it's simple he sees these little wide-eyed kids run up to him all smiles and jump into his arms and W is there somewhere in the background. First words are probably going to be some sort of instruction or complaint. It's weird how we fall into these habits. Anyhow I read somewhere about a couple who noticed how the most friendly greeter of all in their house was the dog, so they decided to Top the Dog and now run towards each other arms akimbo and whooping then leap at each other for a big bear hug. OK maybe that's a little over the top, but since I read that I have been gradually acting more friendly and excited when H comes home. You know trying to push past the kids and get there first, stuff like that. We make a joke of it by I am sure H likes it and I do too. His reponse has become warmer too. Even when I don't feel like doing it I do it anyway now.
take care
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
regarding the spending of money and how I feel like h calls all the shots...
I didn't use that stance but I did ask if I could get "payed" like fifty dollars a week...
not money to "hide" but money so that when it comes to christmas or his birthday I actually feel like I bought him a gift rather than just went out and picked something up with "his" money...
it matters not to h where the money comes from...
but I think he did get the concept that I would like to have something that's mine...
I also noted that if there get's to be a build up of money and I wanted to get something for the house like say a kitchen island wich wasn't in the "budget" for the time, I could use "my" money to get such items.
h seemed to understand and it sounded like a doable thing...we'll see how it works out...I'll take the new job aproach...typically you don't get paid the first week at work so I'll let a week go buy before I mention it again.
the convo came from him talking about money so I wasn't just pulling it out of the air.
it would be nice to have my "own" money to make decisions with even if only a small stash...I haven't had my own money since we got married...even before the kids arived, I gave my paycheck directly to h to deposit.
Lucy, This is one I can help you on, during our couseling at the 5 year mark, we explain to the couseler that we argue over pennies spent.
The couselor's solution was simple. Each person gets so much a pay, say $50.00 each in your case and that money cannot be questioned. Does not matter is the others buys $50 of ice cream.
Next we had to ask permission of the other spouse for not normal purchases of $20.00 or more.
And finally, all recepts where placed in a box and a monthly ledger was filled in. This reduced money arguments to nill.
Quoting poepad: Lucy, This is one I can help you on, during our couseling at the 5 year mark, we explain to the couseler that we argue over pennies spent.
The couselor's solution was simple. Each person gets so much a pay, say $50.00 each in your case and that money cannot be questioned. Does not matter is the others buys $50 of ice cream.
Next we had to ask permission of the other spouse for not normal purchases of $20.00 or more.
And finally, all recepts where placed in a box and a monthly ledger was filled in. This reduced money arguments to nill.
poe,
we do not argue over money..and there will never come a time when I know what h does with all his money or have a say in how he spends his money...
he is a business owner and therefore has access to "other" money outside of "our" household budget.
fair?? probably not...
but...
I have a credit card... the atm card... etc....
I can go to walmart or wheverever and purchase clothing for the children or odds and ends of small amounts for the house without much question...h has never accused me of being a shopoholic has only on occassion asked that I try to keep the spending down a bit to catch up.
we carry no credit card balance...and that is how h likes to keep it.
when it comes to major purchases for the house...when they occur is at h's discretion...does that bother me??? well only if I want something for the house and I'm told "in time" is it hugely important??? no.
if I withraw 60 bucks from the atm to go out with my friends does h question what I did with the cash since that is not "traceable" via credit card?? no.
it is more about me wanting to have my own money just like he has his "other" money...
money that I can spend and know that I wont be questioned about or commented at for because it's MY money to spend however I want...if I want to use it to buy him a gift well then I bought the gift..if I want to buy something for the house that I want well then I can...
that's all it is...a bit of independence seeking is all I suppose it's something that should have existed from the begining of our m but I didn't think anything of it back then..but now that I don't actually bring in any pay it all feels like HIS money...and even though this "pay" would come from him...it is earned...maybe I'd start doing his laundry again.
It has been a while. It is hard to keep up your thread, lots of good discussion going on.
I don't have much to offer, besides I hear your agony. I share the same emotions as Acorn that I thought you were so much happier than us in that you were piecing. But I guess that was not completely right. Nothing in R is ever easy.
I just have a couple of questions, some of which may be based on some misceptions. So please ignore them if they are way off base.
About $$, about trusts, I see all of them important issues in R, and they seemed to create lots of anxiety in your mind. Do they have something to do with the fact that you chose to stay home taking care of your little ones? I know taking care of your loved ones is gratifying for you, but have you ever clarified with yourself with your goals in your life, and whether the path you are on would lead to a fulfilling life for YOU, LL? This is the life goals of LL we talk about, in regardless of the worldly responsibilities imposed on you. What are some of the life goals that you are in the path to achieve now?
Second, If I remembered correctly, either the father of yours or your H walked way from the family. That was a devastating event. Is it possible that the experience somehow contributed to your distrusts and perhaps other destructive behaviors? How have you come to terms with that experience so far?
That said, I would like to say that you are doing well to practice what you have learned so far, like your ability to share your feelings with your H and us, wherever appropriate. It was a great risk you took whenever you shared that with your H, especially about your fear of rejection of hugs, and it seemed that you got reciprocation. Good for you.
as always great to hear from you and you bring up some valid points...most significantly
Quote: Second, If I remembered correctly, either the father of yours or your H walked way from the family. That was a devastating event. Is it possible that the experience somehow contributed to your distrusts and perhaps other destructive behaviors? How have you come to terms with that experience so far?
it was my father.... growing up I knew there was something wrong with my parents r but I didn't give much thought to the fact that they shared different bedrooms for a while.
it wasn't until I was about 16 and my mother while I was arguing with my father told h (then bf) that my dad had not lived with us for a while when I was little (til I was about 3 to be exact)
dad had cheated on mom...mom threw him out and eventually took him back (she got tired of being alone with three kids)
dad continued to cheat but mom didn't always know...she knew of some but I suppose chose to ignore it.
eventually we moved to a new house and things seemed wonderful (in my moms eyes) for about ten years..
then shortly after I was engaged I got a call on the 4th of july while at work from my mother that she had caught dad with another woman the night before.
dad moved in and out of the house had several different apartments.
I wathced my mother drown in her mysery...I wathced them go back and forth...pretending to be a loving couple getting over a mistake to fighting and his leaving yet again.
dad couln't make the decision between my mom and the new lady (wich is not a word I use to describe her) even though he supposedly tried to cut it off with her.
mom eventually had enough and filed for d...
my dad to this day says he didn't want a d...but admits he probably wasn't going to give up ow and wanted both.
does this effect the way I now see my h?? it didn't before because I never compared h to my father..they were two different people with little similarities...
now when I look at h there are some and I can't stand it..something as simple as the sniffles makes me cringe as my father often had the sniffles (and no it's not related to cocaine use) I suppose it's just a guy thing.
is it fair that I hold these thoughts of h being like my father..nope...but wtf am I suppose to do with the fear...h started the wheels in motion..
my mother even says they are different...and I suppose they are...it's just hard to trust.
as far as my personal goals...well I know that I can't fully envelope myself in anything for a few years (when dd starts school) but I do have some things in mind...my mother worked hard to put me through college and I will not let my degree go to waiste..I am still young and the kids wont be so dependant forever.
I realize this is a forum with R or M, so I am glad you did not take offense of my questions, as I have more to badger about your feelings and communications with all of your immediate family members, not just with your H...
Quoting lostlove:dad had cheated on mom...mom threw him out and eventually took him back (she got tired of being alone with three kids)
I am sorry about that experience you had about your Dad. How do you FEEL about his decisions and actions? Anger, devastation, fear, or anything else? Did you talk about these FEELINGS with your mom? How does she FEEL? Can you and your mom openly talk about this terrible experience, or you feel that it is a taboo that you are compelled to protect her from getting in touch with this past history?
On the same token, did you share your feelings, in a calm and non-judgmental way, with your dad? Can you talk about this at all with the idea to understand more about the circumstances involved? Can you tell me, in an objective understanding, what kind of person (not the sense of good or bad, but what kind of personality) he is, what his feelings were when he had those cheating actions, what his thought process were, his achievements in his life besides R, and how he feels now towards his decisions over the years?
Quoting lostlove: as far as my personal goals...well I know that I can't fully envelope myself in anything for a few years (when dd starts school) but I do have some things in mind...
Well, LL, how do you FEEL about this choice? I know you are a dedicated mom and taking care of the kids and your home is a gratifying experience to you. But do you feel comfortable with where you are so far with regards to your plan, or you feel you are imposed with the obligations that inevitably distract you from where you want to be personally? After all, do you feel satisfied to define the life of LL by taking care of family and kids? What are the plans, no matter preliminary or detailed, that you have to define LL's entire life in the future that you can share with us?
How about your mom? Where do you see her, by your OWN standard, in terms of having a successful and balanced life between her career and the kids? Did you share your feelings about your own life plan, as I mentioned in the previous paragraph, with your mom? Did you feel you want to do more than she did after you earned your degree, but for some reason your mom’s choice seemed to have become your path?
Again, please just take whatever you would feel comfortable or relevant to share with us, as these questions could very well be off base. I would just like to understand how you look at those issues with regards to who you are and how you feel comfortable with what you have from the prosective of yourself and your family members, not just your M...
