It has been a while. It is hard to keep up your thread, lots of good discussion going on.
I don't have much to offer, besides I hear your agony. I share the same emotions as Acorn that I thought you were so much happier than us in that you were piecing. But I guess that was not completely right. Nothing in R is ever easy.
I just have a couple of questions, some of which may be based on some misceptions. So please ignore them if they are way off base.
About $$, about trusts, I see all of them important issues in R, and they seemed to create lots of anxiety in your mind. Do they have something to do with the fact that you chose to stay home taking care of your little ones? I know taking care of your loved ones is gratifying for you, but have you ever clarified with yourself with your goals in your life, and whether the path you are on would lead to a fulfilling life for YOU, LL? This is the life goals of LL we talk about, in regardless of the worldly responsibilities imposed on you. What are some of the life goals that you are in the path to achieve now?
Second, If I remembered correctly, either the father of yours or your H walked way from the family. That was a devastating event. Is it possible that the experience somehow contributed to your distrusts and perhaps other destructive behaviors? How have you come to terms with that experience so far?
That said, I would like to say that you are doing well to practice what you have learned so far, like your ability to share your feelings with your H and us, wherever appropriate. It was a great risk you took whenever you shared that with your H, especially about your fear of rejection of hugs, and it seemed that you got reciprocation. Good for you.
