WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 6

[confusedinpa]

"She has said that she needs help to get this done quickly. I do not want to help. I feel that would not be the right thing to do. She needs help packing and moving things. I don't see doing that. Anyone have comments on that?"

Help her. You don't want to come off seeming like an @$$. If she was a really good friend, what would you do?

That is a really tough question. If she was a really good friend I would help her, even if I disagreed with what she was doing. How do I resolve this against falling into the Mr. Nice Guy syndrom?

Reading all your posts yesterday and today shows that you are really backsliding badly. Come on, I mean now you were entertaining thoughts of a new job just to get away? I know they are just thoughts, but what about your kids?

I have 4 words for you. SNAP OUT OF IT!

You went from being very strong in terms of keeping the DB principles to being self-centered again. Re-read your posts from yesterday and today. "I" don't believe in this, "I" don't believe in that. "I" don't know how I feel.

I've been trying to re-center to myself again. It is just so hard to do as everytime I'm gain some traction, I get hit with another thing by her. She even commented how I seem to have wild mood swings lately - being all upbeat singing and dancing with the kids to the radio to being all down and hurt. Isn't it natural/normal to feel hurt when you see parts of your life disappearing everyday?

What happened to being compassionate to what your W wants? If you don't go back to being compassionate to her needs and wants, you are dooming yourself to failure.

She's moving out of the house not the M. Deal with it. Take it one day at a time. Stop thinking about the future that hasn't been written. Stop mind-reading her. How do you know that when she leaves she won't come back? The last time I checked, the only person who might know could walk on water. There's your 2x4.

The compassionate things is to help her. I know that is the right thing. That is what I would do if she was someone that was alone on the road with a flat tire. I would stop and help.

I'm just torn between what my therapist and DB coach had said (not helping her leave the house). Not being an enabler. It is hard to choose what is right.

Get off the pity pain train and act like the man you were a couple of weeks ago. Put the brakes on the backsliding. You mentioned that you had no anger, but that's all I've been seeing these past few days.

We ALL go through this. I did when my W left. When she walked out that door, I was afraid like you, but came to the resolute decision that it was out of my hands. I left it up to God and fate. Of course I prayed for things to work out, but I learned that even if they didn't, I and the kids would be fine. I would have told you there was no way my W was ever coming back. And you know what? She did.

Did you help her move when she left? How much help did you give? From what I remembered, you mentioned she moved in with family. So did she take furniture like my wife is or just clothes?

When she leaves DO NOT GO DARK! You are nowhere near being at that point because your W has wanted to included you in things. Go DIM. Which is where you invite her to things but not everything and if she invites you, go, but not to everything. Keep things cordial, light and very friendly. In every interaction you have together, show her the man she M.

My therapist and DB coach had suggested Dark. I was really torn about that as it would be too much like I was in the past. I know I won her over by making her feel like the most important person in my life. I do agree DIM makes more sense

Most importantly, stop dwelling in the past when you two are talking. You both are repeating old themes and all those weeks of C has not helped a single bit because YOU can't see why she doesn't see things YOUR way and SHE can't see why you can't see things HER way.

You keep saying that she is free to go. Is she really? Seems like you're still clinging on and that once she leaves, you feel you can never be friends with her again. It's not going to work that way.

You will survive and she can work out the mess that's in her head.

I guess that was a long 2x4.

Thanks for the 2x4. I see I have a lot of work to do.