Permission to have affair?

[I tried hard]

What did you tell her when she proposed this idea?

[rickrued]

My wife has this dream in her head. We will separate and we will both let go. She will see other people, I will see other people. Then after some time, the stars will align, are paths will cross at 1:17pm on a Tuesday, we will catch each others eyes and bam we will realize we are the only ones for each other and fall in love again.

Sound nice, but probably not going to happen. The only way I know to make a relationship work is to stay in it and give it time.

So again, do I "let" her do it by not demanding a divorce first?

[rickrued]

It's not an idea. She is doing it. She is not giving me a choice. She is telling me, if I want to wait around until she is done, she will want to come back.

So do I wait, as Michelle instructs, or do I get the divorce?

[I tried hard]

Again, I cant give an unbiased answer.
As you said, this is divorce busting. She is asking for a separation. Whatever happens during that time, you spend that time working on yourself as DB says. In the end, you will endure. Speculating will eat you up. I have been there! Done the DB don'ts and do's. I've been to close to the situation and it ruled all my time mentally.
I havent re-read the book in a while but act as if your life has gone on. Dont say "ok" to this idea of dating and you'll be waiting. Tell her you need some time too and you'll decide while she is away.
Thoughts?

[I tried hard]

Didnt see the 2nd reply b4 I answered

[Amy M]

I've never felt that Michelle's techniques indicated that you should wait around for a straying spouse. I read her advice to be more like...get on with your own life and if they other party decides to come back and you still want them to, then that's great.

That's much different to me than saying, "It's okay. I'll be here when you return." I think the attitude is something along the lines of..."I will not wait around while you are being unfaithful. I will go on with my life. Maybe we can meet again one day and fall madly in love and live the rest of our lives together, but I'm not going to sit by in case that occurs."

If you think you are going to wait around, then I certainly wouldn't tell the wife that. I'd make her think that you will be moving on. Divorce takes a long time. You can file or just indicate that you will be taking steps towards filing. Either way, I think the message you want to send is that you don't intend to be there when she decides she wants to come back.

And, who says that it will be over in 6 months? I honestly thought that my H's affair would be over in 6 months after OW moved here to be with him. It's been 7 and 1/2 months since the move, and they have bought property together and are moving in together in a few months. He's much further from my home than he was 6 months ago.

The only way to make her think about what she's doing and really be forced to make a hard decision is to stand up for yourself and your marriage. Let her know her actions are wrong. Show her that you don't intend to wait for her and that you'll be fine without her.

Keep posting. You'll get good advice!

Amy

[I tried hard]

I agree with Amy. She may respect you more as well.

[rickrued]

Actually divorce would not take long at all. We have already discussed the details and have agreed to a non-contested divorce. We've already split assets and agree on custody/child support. Just need to sign the papers and in two months we will be divorced. I'm in Texas, they make it as easy as pie.

This is the problem, she knows how easy it would be for me to get a divorce. If I really was going to "move on" and not wait for her, then I would file. So, the fact that I am not pushing for the divorce proves to her that I'm willing to "wait" around. I don't need to tell her I'm going to wait, my inaction is already telling her that.

[I tried hard]

If you two have done that, than she sounds as though she is already mentally divorced (as my wife has). There is nothing that says you would never get back together in the future.

[MrBond]

Establish a boundary in terms of what you will not accept in terms of her dating and leave it at that. Tell her that if she cannot respect that, then she has to finish filing the paperwork.

She's taking her cake and eating it too. She's using you as a "backup" in case none of her other relationships work.

Let me put it to you this way. If there were a girl you wanted to date, would you want her to still go out with you if you weren't the first, second or even third choice?

The main thing you have to get back from her is RESPECT. That is what you are teaching your child. The idea that parents should RESPECT one another first and foremost.